i am glad. are you?

ic.

2009-11-19T23:18:00.002+08:00

I am apparently not very good at concealing my feelings, at least not as well as I thought I could. Anyway I realised over this week that I wasn't that very excited about commitment, and I didn't want to proceed with doubt.

It took me a while to be free from my past shadows and freedom was sweet as a whole lot of new possibilities open up before you. I think I still need some more time, as I had picked up a few lessons from the past and needed to reflect on them before I render myself vulnerable once again.

I guess I used to yearn the prospect of company, where someone will always be there caring for you, but now I don't. Not yet..but am definitely over my past..It was a little bit of 'What were you thinking' on my part.

Ok back to study.

squareone.

2009-11-11T00:11:00.002+08:00

So I guess it's back to square one.

Another lesson learnt I suppose..Life isn't as simple as just following your heart, but the doubts and worry are enough to keep you from going forward. Until I figure that out, I guess it would not be easy letting anyone else in again. The feeling of putting your heart out there is simply too beyond me presently, and I figure this sure needed a whole lot more of guts and reasoning.

I should be feeling more, but am kind of numb. I would choose to attribute this to the hardening from previous experiences and not the possibility of I turning absolutely mercenary and heartless.

I need to learn to follow my heart again truly, and at the moment it seems kinda daunting and I don't know how to proceed. Not having any thoughts as burden I feel freer, but at what cost...? I feel more comfortable being cynical.

Until I figure out myself, I very much prefer to be alone.

ok

2009-10-25T08:43:00.003+08:00

Booked a new car last weekend. Will only be here in January, but I guess the process of looking foward feels good too.

Speaking of looking forward, I've decided to look forward and never looked back since. It's been a great feeling as well taking control once again and anticipating new chapters in my life.

I used to wonder how things could have turned out differently if I did not have to go through all of these. The period after December had been terrible, but I never regretted going through all of it as I learned a lot about myself.

Things are different now. I am not bitter anymore as I realise there's no result to it. Freeing your mind really makes you aware of the beauty of the things around you that you have been neglecting in all the bitterness.

=)

optimism

2009-10-04T00:42:00.001+08:00

I'm glad I went ahead with my decision to follow my heart. Afterall, I couldn't take a chance on my happiness.

I don't know how exactly things went, and I wouldn't know what it would be like in the future. I'm just glad I did not let my fear and pessimism get to me like how it had did for the past few months. I feel liberated and I feel as though I have the courage to embrace all possibilites and new chapters that might come my way.

My friends had been right from the start. All I needed was time to finally understand them.

i understand myself a little more

2009-09-29T21:16:00.003+08:00

I wonder if I should really follow my heart this time round. Quite afraid that I would make the same old mistakes that I have made in the past. My friend told me though that I shouldn't stop eating fish just because I had choked in the past. Pretty true..and I can say I have become too rational for my own good.

i know this feeling i think

2009-09-26T00:45:00.003+08:00

It's just all too familiar. It almost seems possible, yet I am afraid of making the same old mistake again. The past experience had caused me to lose faith in following my instincts, and this time I wonder if I was using too much of my brain.

I wasn't the person who would let any good opportunity slip but as much as I wish to start a new chapter in my life, there seemed to be too much holding me back.

I need a sign.

in the balance

2009-09-22T00:50:00.002+08:00

Getting hungry at times like these made me go out and get a McChicken, and now that I'm in not much mood to continue studying, I decided to blog.

I finally met her today. It had been a while and I was actually feeling jittery beforehand because I was apprehensive on what it would be like. As much as I wanted very much to see her, I was afraid it would be awkward. Well it wasn't, and I was glad it turned out fine.

I guess this time round I managed to say what I had wanted to say, and what had been bothering me all this while. I guess the best way is to face the whole issue itself, and only by laying all the cards on the table will one be able to decide the next move.

It also dawned on me that I had lost something. I had forgotten what it was like to be completely free from having your heart and emotions getting bounded to someone. Love just sucks you in, and it takes a while to lose it, even then there'll be still some left over, never going away.

I never regretted it once though. Being with her had been one of the happiest times of my life, and I would give anything to relive it.

cycle.

2009-09-14T23:02:00.002+08:00

Ice is the name of a dog. A dog I once kept. It was never a good decision to taking ownership of it, I had made a mistake back then and was compelled to find a better owner for him, and I did. I loved the dog but I had to let it go as we started to realise how little time we had for it.

She loved the dog too, much more than me in fact. I couldn't tell how much more, but it was obvious she loved it more. She blamed me for my mistake. I didn't have a choice though. I couldn't manage. Yes, it was bad judgement on my part and I regretted. Perhaps I had underestimated the impact of the action. I didn't want to admit that an animal could contribute to what was happening now, but perhaps it did play a role.

Maybe it was retribution. That I had made a bad decision adopting a dog and then going through the trauma of dealing with demands on both sides and being labelled irresponsible. Again, people had to be hurt because of a wrong choice. Probably I had paid for it, and the same thing happened to me.

I figure people normally had to give up things once close to them to make way for certain aspects of their life, so they could live with greater freedom without burden or responsibility, but this not necessarily bringing with it happiness. It happened to Ice, and it happened to me.

Tell me that's life.

the date

2009-09-14T10:18:00.004+08:00

Going out with someone so attractive is rather stressful, especially how all eyes seem to focus on her then drift to the guy beside her. It's just a date, but nothing else more. Not in my current situation.

I always had the impression that really pretty girls only look great with good looking guys, despite how almost everyone I know disputes it like crazy, boiling it down to my weird perspectives, suspiciously influenced by the media. Of course, we are not in primary school anymore, and looks probably play a secondary role in choosing a partner. It was only in those days when you say to an ugly girl you don't want to be her friend because she is ugly. Oh well, superficiality at its worst, but we were all too young. And kids are the most honest people in the world, no?

Anyway, she was a real stunner when she dolled up, and not just on the outside. She's a great person too. But I couldn't imagine myself dating her in a relationship. Firstly, she isn't available. Secondly, the words 'too pretty for me' kept popping up in my head. I figured out that as my confidence had steadily grown over these couple of years in other aspects in my life, I still can't figure why it takes a hit with pretty people. Maybe it's the theory of relativities when I walk next to her, or the constant pressure to look at least compatible.

Or maybe it's just the consequence of my past again, that is constantly hindering me in exploring possibilities in anyone else.

Afterall, I do know that I have what it takes, and it takes confidence to say that. And I know what I am capable of accomplishing. This shouldn't pose a problem to me, as long as I constantly believe in myself. Soon, I'll date pretty girls like her. Ha.

i need to think..

2009-09-14T01:47:00.002+08:00

It is borderline irritating sometimes that as a new chapter beckons, your past repeatedly pops out to stop you from moving ahead. What do I want exactly? The future is tempting with new possibilities, yet there's a figment of something that's growing really old clinging on.

But isn't life about constantly moving ahead and discovering, and throwing aside things that seem to hold you back? People move on for their own sake, all in their best interest and even things that were once held dear to them will be shelved for the sake of living to the fullest. Sacrifices will always have to be made in order to achieve happiness, even if it means causing pain. Now that's life right? It's all about opportunity cost. Economics, it's that simple.

I am no longer bitter as there isn't a point compromising my psychological well being anymore. I've done so for 8 full months and I don't know how many body cells I have destroyed, how many opportunites I have shut out, and how much fuel I have wasted flooring my car pedal, attempting to flush my troubles out of my head.

I also feel guilty towards my parents, who can read me like a book and instantly tell that I was troubled. I kept everything from them and refused to share, because my mom, especially will be worried. It was probably due to the inherent fear and more or less expected 'rational' advice from my mom, which was probably going to be the best advice I could hear, but also likely to be the most painful. I didn't want that, as I felt that I could continue living in hope. She probably noticed that I was quieter, and she had to ask.

I need all the affirmation I can get, to get me up and moving. I am afraid of letting go, as it's something am not sure if I will regret in future. Yet even holding on to just a bit is enough to cause pain and apprehension. I once thought I could live with it, but am no so sure now.

-

2009-09-10T21:44:00.003+08:00

I just felt like blogging again.

After almost a 2 month hiatus, I just felt like putting down my thoughts in words again. It feels good. However, given my busy schedule, it'll be fantastic if I actually found the time to reflect and ramble.

I guessed I have recovered enough to start putting things down in an earnest manner, and hope this time round I don't go lying to myself again. My hairdresser had told my best friend (we share the same hairdresser) that I looked like I was deeply troubled whenever she saw me. I expressed surprise, because I thought I was pretty good at concealing my feelings. But no, hairdressers talk to all sorts of people, they can tell, as put across by Howard. I'm impressed.

I think am more or less done with my situation. How long has it been? 8? 9 months? I've been on this rollercoaster of emotions for far too long, and painful as it might be, I have to suck it up and move on. I thought I had made a decision months back, but I don't know if I had been totally truthful. I greatly appreciate the company of my friends though, and I tell myself this time, if not for myself, I've got to do it for them too. They had my best interests at heart and still have. I should place bigger value on their judgement.

I guess the most painful thing is carrying false hope, and hoping it might somehow materialise again someday, even though all signs urge you to go in the other direction. And then, things happen and you blame yourself being stupid for having lofty ideas...but the next moment you build up false hope once again.

I'll probably spend the time building up faith in placing my heart out there again. Who knew it had to be this difficult..I gave myself too many chances to believe, but I think I had enough.

...

2009-07-28T23:31:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I don't know why I do or say certain things that eventually make me regret or feel like crap, 2 things I never ever want to go through.

For goodness sake's, I don't even know what I want right now, which leads me to such crap I'm doing to get by. I need to focus on the big picture, and work toward happiness. Sometimes I feel I should just be some heartless bloke, at least things would be so much easier.

Do I actually know what I want. Heck no. And this floating in the middle of nowhere is killing me. I wish time stood still to let me halt and think. But no, life goes on and things keep changing.

it's good

2009-07-05T16:39:00.002+08:00

Have been really busy playing nowadays. It's really great hanging out with close friends and getting to know them better.

Yesterday was especially fruitful, having piano lessons in the morning and then staying through the day, helping out on some cooking and dining together later on. It actually made me slightly more interested in cooking as it didn't seem as tough as I made it out to be. Hmm. I guess it's actually much easier if there are several chefs instead of one, which also makes it more fun when we cook together.

Caught 'The Transformers' near midnight and nearly fell asleep near the end. Having dozed off on the first one, I had to fight the urge as my eyes were already half closed..Fortunately I didn't and made it till the end.

I had never appreciated the presence of friends so much ever before as their company and conversation really did make me happier and probably gave me some new perspectives which I greatly needed. =)

i'm back

2009-06-22T00:10:00.003+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates...

Have been really busy recently with rehearsals and piano lessons. Had to spend the weekend picking and practising a song that I was supposed to perform tomorrow morning at some Korean Uni Exchange thing with NUS. It was kinda a last minute thingey because nothing was really confirmed until about Friday or so. And apparently I was the only one who signed up to sing so I had to do 2 songs. Later, I had found out that KO was singing too so I was left to focus on one song, which was a good thing.

I will be singing 祝我生日快乐 tomorrow. Love the melody and the lyrics and I hope I can do a good job. I'm glad the BBQ managed to 'lubricate' my vocal chords and throat.

Also on the 27th, I will be performing at Ngee Ann City for Shine 2009. Not sure of the time and exact location yet, but I will be doing a solo and a duet, namely 说好的幸福呢 and 传说. Only 2 rehearsals with the instrumentalists before the real thing, steep learning curve as always. We need to pick out our mistakes fast enough and improve quickly.

Ok I guess I will go to sleep earlier tonight. I need the rest so I will be in the best shape to sing well tomorrow. Wish me luck and I hope I really don't forget the lyrics...

what i have been doing

2009-06-13T20:27:00.002+08:00

Haven't been updating this blog for a while because I have been spending my time doing up another one that is related to the equity investment I'm making. Nothing much actually, just an avenue to record and review some information that I have read. Beats doing newspaper cuttings or making notes.

http://myinvestorinfo.blogspot.com

okayy.

2009-06-07T23:05:00.002+08:00

I've promised to take a step back and just carry on with life as usual. It's better for the both of us. It took me so long to realise that you are right and I guess I'll have to have that faith to rely on fate this time.

Though I'm not expressing it, deep down inside I really want to let you know I'm always there for you.

Ok. good night!

reasoning

2009-05-31T22:27:00.002+08:00

Before retiring for bed last night, I spotted a huge moth on the mattress. Feeling too sleepy to do anything and not wanting to disturb nature, I plonked down in the foldable chair I had, with just a pillow by my side and tried to sleep.

Which resulted in a not particularly spectacular night of rest as I struggled to find a comfortable position on the stiff canvas like material.

Spent today helping about the house, clearing up after the renovation and putting things back into place. Also caught up with some rest from the night before. By the way, the moth had died the next morning. Hmm.

Recently, I've been full of reason. Reasonable enough to stop with all the silly doubts, yet my emotions keep getting the better of me. One moment I'm in control, the next I'm overcome with the flurry of emotions that get the better of me.

It's not a really good time I'm facing now. Yet, I know I'm fully capable of handling it. Probably I'm choosing not to, because I'm still wondering which is the best path to take now. There seems to be only a direction, but how do I approach it I'm not sure. I need some help here.

There is this big urge to let her know how I feel, although it probably would end up to nothing. I don't even know what she is thinking now, and I surely can't tell. She seems almost passive and that kinda worries me. I regret the fact that I didn't try hard enough to make her stay, although it probably won't work..but I feel I could have done more.

v short post

2009-05-30T23:29:00.002+08:00

It seems that there is this huge urge to sing, make music and listen to them. It's something about music that releases me from the doubts I have and puts me in some sort of comfort zone.

I don't think I have much to say tonight. I'm very tired.

oh ok.

2009-05-22T22:50:00.002+08:00

Have been attempting to clear my mind these few days. Getting busy, distracted, occupied, spending time alone to straighten my thoughts.

Have been spending my mornings jogging at Tanjong Rhu and driving around with no apparent destination in mind, and it all seem rather effective in ironing things out. Learning to play the piano again after so many years, and it feels really good to be making some form of music. The way it fills my ears, the house, surely livens the mind and surrounding. It's probably one of the things that links me to you as well, though I haven't really heard u play much. One day I shall play a piece for you. By then, it shouldn't sound like crap.

Tonight should be a relatively early night for me. Going to wake up tomorrow for a run before joining my folks for breakfast.

i don't feel like sleeping

2009-05-20T22:45:00.003+08:00

I guess this break is absolutely necessary. Though I've been fighting the urge to sms or msn, I sincerely wish from the bottom of my heart that you are doing well and happy. Words can't describe the longing I have to take you out for breakfast again.

Even if I had to do it all over again, I would. I'll be there when you are ready.

clearer

2009-05-20T00:09:00.002+08:00

With a specific direction to move towards, I guess I feel less lost and hence the mind-wrecking frustration resulting from the helplessness has reduced...

I guess no matter what happens in the end, what is important now is I set out to do what I believe in. Things are made simpler in that case, where unnecessary doubts and worries are cast aside.

yea whatever.

2009-05-15T22:10:00.003+08:00

I guess today's singing session had been a great relief to me, though it wasn't much, it was sufficient. Singing helps me to escape from the reality of the moment, and it is only in those few minutes when I am in control of my voice. I am glad I don't do alcohol, and I can never understand why people will ever will.

The past few days had been rather bad but I didn't want to show it. How I wish I could be angry then things will be so much easier for me. How I wish those memories could just be wiped off the back of my head. If it didn't mean so much to me I probably could do so.

I guess that's too bad for me. No matter what I say or do, I am aware I can't change the situation. All I could do, as said before, was simply to live life and have some hope. It isn't easy though, and one way or another, I have this big feeling I might go crashing down in the rubble of doubts and fear along the way.

Following your heart is never easy, that's why so many people end up unhappy in the end.

words of the foolish

2009-05-15T10:56:00.003+08:00

Flooring the accelerator at every traffic junction doesn't seem to wash your troubles away. Looks like I need to find something else.

I figure one way of dealing with this issue that is eating away at me is to simply live life. Because there is simply nothing else left to do. I'm no fan of moping, I guess I'm past that stage. What is troubling me is how things ended up and the possibility of how change can itself alter what may happen in the future.

At this moment, any change will result in distance. I fear one day, no matter how I have gone with my heart, that I might still end up powerless against these changes. Can one simply rely on fate with no prior faith to begin with? Or are they really mutually exclusive?

I have to become a better person. Maybe only then I can be worthy. I don't want to walk out of this battered and weakened by worry and hopelessness. Even if I have to get to know you all over again I have to go on with this.

Call me foolish. In the eyes of the people around me, I'm probably seen as that dumb guy who can't move on. Afterall, they all make it seem so easy. Things might change..even for me, down the road. Maybe tomorrow a ravishing blonde will catch my eye or along the way, I somehow turn gay (joking by the way), but at this present, I can't lie to myself.

It's the worst injustice I can ever do.

is this resolution

2009-05-15T01:02:00.003+08:00

I guess this is one of those days that reality has yet again, hit a spectacular home run.

Except this time it's much more real than the other times. It is also proof that time, in some cases, doesn't heal. How much time do we need anyway? Do we need some sort of resolution before we can allow time to do the rest?

It was never over for me, even if it means sweeping everything under the carpet and trying to smoke reality with a nice smile. It will always come back and bite you. Hard. When you least expect it.

Faced with the possibility of losing something so precious is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. The worst being you can do nothing much to salvage the situation, as it is already the most ideal situation in the scenario. Leaving you with the only thing you can do, which is to have that little bit of faith burning at the back of your heart, just burning bright enough yet not too huge to consume you.

Not too much as it might lead to disappointment at the end. Yet, when it is time to take a gamble, I have to. Clearly, I can only follow my heart, even if it means earth shattering devastation at the finish line or the losses along the way. This is what I want and at least there won't be regrets later.

I have to take that chance. Yet, what makes it so difficult now is being helpless. There is nothing much left that I can do except hope. I want to be there, but I can't. The distance is threatening to widen and it's so scary because one day, it might grow so wide there may be no hope for salvation. All these while I can only watch from the sidelines.

Everyone around me is urging me to take the easy way out and simply forget for the sake of myself. I can never really forget can I, given how things turned out. I figure they are not me, they don't know you and simply because they don't see you like the way I see you.

confession

2009-05-13T21:15:00.003+08:00

It's usually because of some event that triggers my desire to write something. Hence the outburst of posts. Writing calms me down and puts my thoughts in a nice, organized manner. So I don't really write if I have nothing behind me urging me to. Even with the lack of inspiration I'll still churn out a post just to make those shapeless thought bubbles more concrete.

Anyway..I realised my motivation to study and get good grades comes from the fact that I don't want to fall behind others. It's actually to make me feel stronger and more confident, because average people are usually the ones getting left behind by others. I had enough of that back then, and I dread falling into mediocrity.

Generally, something I've discovered about myself recently is that I've been doing things to prevent myself from falling back to my former self. I needed to stand out, because I've realised being mediocre brings you no where. People won't take notice and if they do, they don't take you seriously. I hated the people back then.

This desire has consumed me. I'm doing all I can to break free and do things that gives me satisfaction and hope, yet the motivation behind all these seems to be grossly wrong. Now everything seems to be connected to my pride and ego and is beginning to change my judgement of others and oneself. I'm afraid I have become too real. Too competitive for fear of being left in the dust like before.

I guess that explains my aloofness. It seems I rarely feel strongly about things, and it takes much to move me. How I wish I could be more in tune to the things happening around me, the people around me, and not just me.

random rant

2009-05-13T20:55:00.002+08:00

I guess I should be happy.

Afterall, I have it better than most of my peers out there. I spoke to them, I know them, I feel so much luckier than I have so much.

Why am I not happy at all?

There is always something not right. I think I know why. I'm afraid to lose, afraid of losing. It's a very scary feeling, the thought of losing and also this particular thought itself. It's not as if I haven't told myself not to compare too much, in fact I think I know myself so well yet I haven't been very much successful in changing it. It's so scary it's borderline horrifying, the feeling of falling into a dark pit and can't do anything about it. Yet no matter how much advice you seek from the people around you, the only thing you can do in the end solely depends on yourself.

This fear sometimes clouds my direction and thoughts and prevent me from making progress. So it's pretty much a vicious cycle.

My inner soul needs counselling. There's ought to be something else out there that is satisfying, at least something that can last.

exams over..now what

2009-05-13T20:46:00.003+08:00

The period after exams is always filled with the usual post exam fun activities like karaoke and movies. I have 3 months of holiday, so I'm still deciding how to make full use of the time other than one off fun activites like these.

For one, I'll be picking up keyboard and continue on guitar self learning. And sing more, regardless of where, what and how. It's also important to keep fit, as a sedentary lifestyle breeds laziness and makes one feel sluggish. I wonder if I can get back to teaching though, although there doesn't seem to be a current vacancy at my old school and the June break is coming anyway.

I just hope there will be changes..positive ones that will occur in this long break. No matter what, it always feels good to have a positive change now and then. And appreciate it when it comes.

got it done and over with

2009-05-05T21:30:00.002+08:00

The exams are finally over...and Monday was mentally torturing.

It's like watching 3 episodes of LOTR in a marathon sitting. Was made worse by the fact that we had to line up about an hour before hand to take temperature. We were then ushered in with much haste into the exam hall, where last minute revision was done. Very unlike the usual system.

It was no wonder I registered a 37.8 before my last paper. And they hastily rushed me along to the 2nd station, where the nurses took a second, and deemed me 'normal'. It was slightly interesting that we had to walk past a really giant thermo scanner and as 37.8 popped up on the screen, some dude with a camera rushed up and captured several shots of me in rapid succession. I wonder if they do this to random people so they can post it in some school health board, or was it just for face recognition should something turn nasty.

It felt rather weird.

Not eating or drinking anything the entire day didn't help much either. All the time in between, or lack thereof, was spent on revision and temperature taking. Hence, the particularly heavy and spicy McDonald's dinner I had ordered out of gluttony and enthusiasm didn't go too well with the tummy last night..and this morning.

Ok, time on my hands..time to relax and enjoy. Phew.

Quick update admist the exams :/

2009-05-02T00:34:00.000+08:00

Spent the last month getting ready for the examinations. Already cleared 2 papers and having 3 coming Monday. Just a short update here.

Glad I survived my Grammaticalisation and Microeconomics papers. For 'G', I'm proud I survived thus far as it's a Level 3000 module, though am pretty unsure about how my grades are going to turn out. The examination was fine, but I didn't bother checking out my term paper results for fear that it might distract me from the studying. Had already been dealt several minor blows in the course of the semester.

As for microecons, I'm happy I managed to finish most of the paper smoothly and surely, a stark contrast to the disaster they call the mid terms. I've done my best, and whatever it is, whether it was enough to salvage my grade, I'm happy it's done and over with, and ended on a slightly better note. Would like to specially thank Oliver who came over to study with me. It really did help a lot.

Ok, I need to get back to studying now. Just a short while more before I hit the sack. Gotta brace myself for Monday. 3 papers. Morning, afternoon, evening.

Well at least it'll be over in a jiffy.

screaming in a vacuum

2009-04-05T02:29:00.002+08:00

I meant to sleep at 12am but I couldn't so I got back up to use the computer. Now it's 230am and I'm still here. Sleepy Sunday up ahead.

People want people to read their blogs. It's some sort of personal gratification and ego satisfaction to create an avenue to express their feelings. Some post big big while others do it discretely, yet yearn wildly for people to read their words. Maybe it's the desire to want people to know the side of you that they probably didn't know about. Some just need people to listen, and they hope by letting people have access, their feelings can be heard. It's like screaming out loud in a vacuum, hoping that your voice will be skimpily sufficient to get to the outside, yet you do not want to broadcast it. Oh ok what dumb analogy.

Yes. I want to be heard. How I hope people can read my blog and understand what I'm going through. It's not difficult to admit this given how I don't really give a heck to mostly everything around me. But I wonder who's reading anyway..I'm already grateful enough to pen down my words so coherently despite the wild thoughts bouncing off the walls of my brain.

I guess I really want a convertible. argh crap.

an attempt to escape

2009-04-05T02:16:00.002+08:00

In one of my recent thoughts of extravagance again, the idea of changing car keeps popping up. I love cars. Understatement.

I've always wanted a convertible or a sports car or a combination of both. This desire haunts me to the brink of being realistic and practical. It's not right man. Owning a car is already a blessing now, what the hell am I trying to do by hankering after something so lavish? Yet, that familiar feeling of longing creeps up everytime I see some flashy car that catches my eye. Oh heck, I even sit at a cafe facing out at the road so I can catch any sports car that rumbles by.

So how do I make dreams become reality? Go buy Toto tickets religiously twice a week and hope I strike the big one? My dad actually encourages me to do that. What crap..though there is still hope when you do that. Or wait for my stocks to actually post a decent return, then at least a convertible won't be out of reach. Speaking of which, I ought to reorganize my portfolio really soon.

I'm actually a brat. Bet no one knew that. I'm that chao ah beng your parents warned you about.

stop being emo and go sleep

2009-04-05T01:59:00.002+08:00

Get on with life, my friend. There's no use hankering over something that you know you won't get back, at least in the short run.

I'm probably fucking weak, and this loss is like someone yanking what you dear away from you so forcefully, you crumble under its loss. I've never really accepted it, though I have brought myself to understand. And trying to pick up the pieces is a tough thing to do, because you know your heart is some place, and it's difficult getting it back on track.

I don't understand why people ask me to move on like it's so fucking easy. It's not. Sanity is urging me to get my act together, while my heart refuses to budge. It just seems wrong to let everything go.

I've got myself hurt this once because I've followed my heart too much. Heck, I don't care if I get hurt again because I can only follow my heart and nothing else. It's just too much a burden if I ignore it.

I'm a wreck. I'm trying very hard to pull myself together. Really.

maybe if i sleep well my troubles will disappear

2009-04-02T23:36:00.004+08:00

The wonders of a good night's sleep.

It is puzzling how I'm starting to consider sleeping at 12am somewhat of a luxury but then I realise it was mostly up to me anyways. No one forced me to sleep at 2am.

Should I sleep early today? Haven't done much work recently and the guilt is crawling up on me. The bed is pretty tempting though. Maybe I really should be sleeping. Lessons at 8am tomorrow and if I'm really serious about getting up to run at 630am then I should hit the sack soon.

I need an escape now. Just a brief one..away from the books and issues that haunt me incessantly. Yet, at this point, it doesn't seem that I have anyone or anywhere to turn to. Just myself facing tremendous bits of debris life is throwing my way.

Maybe I really do need some sleep.

honest reflection hor.

2009-04-02T23:15:00.003+08:00

Where has the drive gone? It almost seemed sucked out of me, leaving a gaping vacuum within, while I rush to fill up the nothingness.

It seemed that I have lost a lot since the start of the sem, yet gained quite a bit too in terms of experience and self awareness. Now, that is fantastic. Yet, I haven't been truly happy. Behind the facade of things that seem to make up a 'fufilling' life, there is just an empty shell.

I don't think I ever progressed as a person. Maybe I'm still the stubborn, sensitive, selfish individual who refuses to learn from mistakes and let the world around control my feelings and actions. So many times I've told myself to just be myself and move on, yet the past still has a certain hold on me.

It's also particularly disturbing how I seek solace in material. You don't spend to feel happy..it's just..wrong. Yet, I never had 2nd thoughts about spending, at least most of the time and it just almost seems that I'm living only on temporary indulgence. Like some sort of drug.

Maybe I'm really a brat afterall. Spending on good meals, the car, clothes, stocks without even needing to go to work like my friends. And deep down inside, beneath everything else, there's really nothing at all. Just a lonely soul with not much substance.

ok so am really happy like a pig in shit

2009-03-29T00:12:00.002+08:00

The hair salon is a scary place. Ever since many years ago I had stepped into some random salon and turned my hair into a disaster, I had developed a phobia of visiting salons. From then on, my hair was only managed by a trusty old barber located in my humble neighbourhood hawker centre.

He was safe and he made my hair decent, short and neat. Nothing spectacular, just safe. I dreaded anything new from then on, and always opted for the safe option.

That was why today I felt so nervous when I stepped into a hair salon again. It took a great deal for me to make this decision. Not with much persuasion from Howard who ensured me that everything was going to be fine. I had wanted to try something new because my hair was really growing to a crappy mess and very uncomfortable. I needed some sort of distraction...from the stress I was facing..and even if the experience turned out bad, it would be something 'refreshing'.

I also figured it had grown sufficiently long to allow an extent of creativity and a risk had to be taken if I didn't want to look like an uncle anymore.

Let's just say it turned out better than expected.

Duff Vader

2009-03-22T23:47:00.004+08:00

So Duffy's concert was a blast, and a fantastic addition to my otherwise mundane weekend.

It wasn't even something I had planned beforehand. It was only yesterday I had the chance to lay my hands on a couple of tickets sold by my friend, who had to sell it off cheap because she couldn't attend. So I had spent the hours leading up to Sunday searching for someone to go with me. It was not until at noon that I got Cindy, who was quite enthusiastic about it, and I knew it was on. I really needed something to get my mind off the intimidating workload and crappy midterms, and this was it.

Well, there is only pretty much one word to describe the experience: Wonderful.

The arrangement was simple. Mostly live band songs, a couple of acoustic, all done in signature Duffy. She's barely 3 years older than me, but sounds way beyond her years, in a good way though. At times I felt I was 30 years back in time, but it was a fuzzy feeling, especially during the band numbers.

Listening to the album through earphones and hearing it live is totally different. Duffy sounded even better live, because you could pick up every single note and the rich, crazy vocal gymnastics were crisp through the sound system. Her voice is velvet, and it enveloped you like a warm blanket. It just made me love some of her songs even more.

The transitions in between the songs however, were somewhat non-existent, almost seemed like she was rushing through the album, to an extent that it made the concert seem pretty quick. I hope she had interacted more though. I could feel her through her songs, but more sharing could be done.

For those of you who haven't started listening, do so. You won't want to miss out on her.

am going to the loo after this

2009-03-22T00:48:00.002+08:00

I'm having verbal diarrhoea, pardon me.

They say productivity falls the later in the night it is, and based on this, I've successfully persuaded myself to stop with the Econs, and blog some more even though it might potentiallly all be crap at this point of the night.

I've realised I have developed this habit of plugging in my earphones and not listening to anything in particular. And I'm surprisingly comfortable with them despite them not displaying any true purpose. Maybe they keep my ears warm hence I feel a sense of security. It's like I'm tuning in to those alerts on MSN, everytime someone sends you a new message or logs in.

The feeling of connectivity in online communities. Ahh.

Present status: Ticklish throat with cough recovering slowly but surely. Maybe not though since I'm popping Hershey's Kisses for not much reason at all. I don't need the endorphin release since I just got the kick from the X-japan's lives on Youtube. I think I'm just eating because my jaws were numb.

Obviously, paying $5 for a packet of Hershey's in the name of charity is not doing much for me. I don't feel loved even if it's like 10 kisses an hour. I think I bought it because the cute girl wanted to go overseas for a project which I strongly believed in. I don't know, it's probably something good.

Ok I really need to pee. bye.

hi. this day in history.

2009-03-22T00:15:00.004+08:00

I think I'm almost done with my Grammaticalization paper, so I've called it a day and have come here to blog.

I realise how I face my life at present really depended a lot on my past. A past not so glam, not something that I dig up frequently to relish. I attribute it mainly to upbringing, and being a sheltered little kid I wasn't exactly the one that would fit in too nicely. Being slightly pudgy (ok i'm being nice to myself here), I was rather quiet and lacked that confidence. I guess somehow that was the reason why I was always 'last man standing' when all the cliques sprouted. The feeling sucked...and even up till JC, it was still this way. It was awkward.

Yeah, 'You loser.' you would mutter. Yeah I was. Maybe I still am now. But at least I don't think so. I'm just determined not to fall back to the past, and just move forward with some hope. It's all in the mind, I realise. You just need to focus on being an individual and let nature take care of the rest.

There's no point trying to hard, I've learnt. That way you'll be happier too. It's very easy to say how you want to forget everything that has happened before and just embrace the future. Not possible. So I'll just carry that bit of memory around to constantly remind myself how not to falter and just live.

Oh ok. This is not emo. Smile.

my printer is alive

2009-03-22T00:03:00.002+08:00

I didn't remember having my power supply to the printer switched on that night. Somehow in the middle of the night I was awoken by the printer. It was doing the familiar 'clean up' which you would get everytime you flicked the switch at the power supply. Feeling sleepy and puzzled I got up and shut the damn thing down and then went back to sleep.

Crap. It's really scary. It's as if someone flicked the power on when I was in bed. Even if the switch had been on before, why would it just start 'cleaning' itself if it had been lying on standby.

i should be studying.

2009-03-20T15:34:00.003+08:00

The only way to truly experience love is to give a 100%. Right? I probably thought so before. After what I've been through, I'm not sure if that should be the case at all. Is it always necessary to put yourself in the balance and be slightly vulnerable in order to fully experience it? Or do brains play a bigger role than one thinks?

I've probably lived by 'Love or not at all' for quite a while, and while I thought it was best to throw doubts out of the picture, what it led me to was massive, permanent hurt. It was not nice at all.

Yet, it almost seems unreal if one uses too much of judgement in life. I feel we were born to follow our hearts and the best way to live life is to do so and learn from any obstacles we might encounter from our decisions. That is life. We cannot expect everything to be done right the first time round. It is not Black/White simple.

By insisting to live by these principles I'll probably be in the crosshair of heartbreak. But is this the price needed to live life to your fullest? Over judgement does hold us back. Will we be really happy with our carefully weighted decisions in time to come? Or smile behind the heartbreak because you've done what you had truly wanted?

I'm not asking you to be brash. Certain decisions however, it's better off listening to the little voice inside your chest.

where are the good ol' days

2009-03-19T13:58:00.004+08:00

I felt like I had wanted to be alone, so I left my friends and proceeded to the library.

At this point, I just feel like putting everything behind me and take off, leaving in the dust, all the expectations people have of me and the ones I have set for myself. I'm no stranger to this feeling. It is just high pressurising. I fear the thought of being average and this fear bugs me to no end. Yet, I'm not so sure if I have the capability to sustain anything at all.

I really feel like getting into the car, drive to the nearest highway and just floor the accelerator, letting the rush of andrenaline take me over. I need to be alone.

i passed a stone on the pavement.

2009-03-18T15:39:00.002+08:00

Gosh am sick. Started out with a rather bad dry cough and now it's a flu. This time it feels really odd. I hope I don't catch a fever or something.

It must be the late nights, early morning jogs and a lack of water. Certainly taking a toll on me. My head was throbbing at noon, so I went to sleep and am feeling slightly better presently. But am just not in the mood for work.

Speaking of which, I believe I made some good progress for my Grammaticalization paper yesterday. I meant to return to school library in the afternoon but I didn't go eventually cos I was feeling terrible. Perhaps tonight I really need to fight the temptation to stay up late.

Anyway, on the emotional front, I've been trying to forget the past and freaking move on. To no avail however. Moving on is apparently better for me they say, but I just can't. I'm sick of blogging about it and talking to people about it (am sure they are sick of listening too) so I'll probably do the same old thing and just keep it within me from now on. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore.

One day I'll somehow tumble out of the darkness.

i am hip. so are you.

2009-03-17T00:04:00.002+08:00

It is not until I went for some serious shopping to revamp my wardrobe that I realised it wasn't exactly a phenomenal task to look decently fashionable. What I had bought recently made everything else in my wardrobe seem wildly ancient, and cast some serious doubts on my fashion 'sense' that I had all this while.

No wonder people say I look 25. Probably some effort is needed here.

I need help. Someone with a sound fashion sense needs to be a 2nd opinion when I do go shopping. If not I'll end up wasting money on nonsense with my kooky view on what's hip.

i feel like eating ice cream now. how

2009-03-14T21:30:00.003+08:00

Just spent the whole of Friday night/early Saturday morning hanging out with friends. I am beginning to enjoy these late nights out as the company and conversation really do reach out to me in a fuzzy manner. Maybe the still of the night is the best time for gaining new insights.

Driving home along ECP at 5am was torturous though. I was very much awake, but mentally strained and losing focus. Pretty dangerous, but was still quite in control. Fortunately.

Woke up at 12pm and went back to bed at 4pm. I'm starting to suspect that is not how much you sleep, but how late you sleep that affects you. Even right now am feeling a little sleepy. Not too good for my Grammaticalisation paper. Really need to get back that mugger motivation I had just a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, Thursday's party was a blast. Though I felt my performances weren't up to expectations, I'm glad I got some pretty positive feedback for them. I wonder when's the next performance. All these is getting pretty addictive.

I need my fix. Fast.

i can multi task so can you

2009-03-12T00:50:00.003+08:00

The art of multi-tasking, something ingrained in all Arts students I suppose. Presently, I am blogging, chatting on MSN, studying live shows on youtube and doing my first draft for the English project. In the background, the sounds and chatter of the Channel 8 drama re-runs are muffled through my earphones.

I am pretty much psyching myself up for the performance tomorrow. It isn't as big as Emerge, but am pretty much determined to sing my best as usual. It's pretty frustrating sometimes..no matter how much effort you put in, sometimes the performance just lacks the 'oohm' and you get outshined by some other charismatic, quirky performances that somehow reach out more to the audience.

It sucks really, when expectations really fall short. I can't blame anyone though, everyone out there is probably putting in as much effort, if not more than me. I've only got myself to rely on. All I got to do is to keep doing it, loving it and make sure it is at least all I could do.

Oh well...wardrobe is now an issue too. The theme is 'masquerade', I've got a silver mask, and I've got to channel attitude, retro, rock and emo in 4 rather different performances. Can I do it in one outfit?

blog first do later

2009-03-08T01:34:00.003+08:00

The only high point of the week was probably rehearsing with the band on Friday evening. There will be rehearsals tomorrow as well, which will be cool, but I hope my voice won't be too affected for my presentation on Monday.

Friday was scary because my throat started to hurt from all the singing and through a few rounds of Dani California I felt as though my voice was giving way. I couldn't recall having that happen to me before. I figured I had just barely recovered from a dry cough and all the practices didn't tickle my throat any less.

Tomorrow will definitely be fun but straining. Better get my work for Monday done by morning as I forsee the possibility of staying back till late, which I should probably get used to by now.

Living on perceptions = self pwn

2009-03-07T10:15:00.003+08:00

A wise man once mumbled:

"How much does a person need to change himself? Or rather, how long would it take? I thought I had broken free from my past, become stronger and liberalised from my own fears and doubts. Apparently, I had just been riding on borrowed confidence and perceived achievements which really didn't amount to anything substantial. Yet, at this point, I feel so alone with no one to turn to, no one that can truly understand and give me direction. I already lost a big part of myself last December, and no matter how hard I try to deceive myself, I realise I'm still very badly affected. Everything I tried to do to keep myself distracted only kept the doubts accumulating. This is what I am fearing...and as most of me spins off course, I frantically search for some sort of anchor to keep me grounded before I veer into a nearby tree and damage the greenery"

snap back to reality

2009-02-27T00:47:00.002+08:00

And so it goes, the day came as quickly as it went, and it was over in a short span of 2 hours. The andrenaline was overwhelming as you realise that whatever you had set out to achieve was finally done, and I personally felt it was the personal best I had set out for.

The journey had been a blast, and I'm glad the past 4 months had helped me to improve as I worked on my passion. It gave me some form of direction and kept me focused, and it didn't feel like a chore at any point of time even when it was those 2 songs day in day out.

As I snap out of the excitement of Emerge, tumbling back to the dull, hard reality of all books and no song, I wonder when the next opportunity will come along and transform me yet again into that temporary superhero alter ego I had on for 2 hours on Monday.

The superhero with meticulously styled hair, made mighty shiny with sparkling blue dust. The superhero with a nicely layered get-up and a dash of bling hanging around his neck, emblazoning the front of his chest. That was his on stage persona, vastly different from his usual self of oversized polo t-shirts and ancient sandals. And yet, when the inspiration hits, he will be there to save the world.

Meanwhile, while I get to savour the sweet aftermath of the concert, I also get to feel another sort of andrenaline rush that is all too familiar. The slight wave of panic as you hit the books and realise you are short of time because you've been dwelling too much in idolmania the past few weeks.

Excitement, some might call it.

what's after this

2009-02-21T22:23:00.002+08:00

Spent the day rehearsing at Lunar.

At this point of time, when Emerge is just 2 days away, the feeling of finally getting the opportunity to take the stage overwhelms. Tickets are at $15, and that means there must be at least some sorta standard worth paying for. Hence the pressure to remain consistent persists.

This shouldn't be a problem for me now. If nothing goes haywire, my voice should be doing fine on Monday. At the point of time, it's still a little sore from all the rehearsals.

Ought to be catching up on my work soon. Mid terms coming up and the term break is just 1 week. Time is pretty much flying past and it's bewildering. I suppose if you are busy working towards some form of target everything around you turns into a blur. It has been a quick 4 months since the talk of Emerge began and Monday would be long awaited. Post-Emerge, not quite.

I really do hope I won't keep getting held back by the past and constantly move forward. I am not sure about the opportunities that have slipped by in the midst of all the brooding, but I sure hope the end of Emerge would signal a new beginning with changed perspectives.

Hopefully optimistic.

a feeble attempt at digging Vday

2009-02-14T13:22:00.003+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!

This day, though already highly commercialised by media and businesses, still presents new, sprouting money spinning ventures year after year. Love afterall, sells.

Giving it some serious thought, this day probably makes not much of a sense, since Love, being the formless, omnipresent yet compelling force of emotions enveloping each and every heart and mind around the universe cannot possibly be framed up or packaged into a single day on the calender.

It is precisely this factor of Love that makes it all the more difficult to grasp and come up with a set of rules and categories like other social realms. It varies wildly across individuals and strikes in the most mysterious of ways, triggered off by things remotely imaginable to the mind. And that's where the heart vs brain argument always strikes me. I've almost given up trying to put the argument in definite perspectives because the possibilities are almost limitness trying to balance the 2.

It is human nature that people are born to love and yearn to receive love, or what they perceive as love and they seek it in others. My humble thoughts bug me to perceive love as an antidote for the fear of loneliness, which people by nature also fear. Inherent instinct of survival gives us that tinge of selfishness and possession, and anxiety creates the need for connection. I will not falter, as I have the pillar of Love to hold up my needs.

In this world, there is no hate. Human nature did not program us to hate. There is only positive love and negative love. Positive love develops from the subconscious discovery of inherent similarities between indviduals, while negative love results from the lack of understanding and the overpowering of survival instincts over the need for connection.

So the real purpose of Vday is being compromised to a greater need for the commercial world. Demand and supply. Vday now takes love at face value and markets the hell out of that idea. Sure, you don't need a teddy bear to show love. I would say a token of appreciation for meeting my needs.

This entry sounds really serious. However, I'm probably only skimming the surface with my warped ideas of definition. So, please do take it with a pinch of salt..it is afterall, the result of random instances of brooding put together in words.

Ok back to economics.

i exude peaceful aura.

2009-02-04T21:30:00.002+08:00

The best type of blog ever never surfaces.

For once there is knowing and awareness that there is someone out there reading, feelings and expressions can never ever be put down in its total glory that reflects the innermost thoughts of the author. People, even those who claim write with abandon, are simply people. No one likes to be judged. This, subconsciously affects the things you share with others and the preferred style of expression.

My friend just told me about the style of writing here. As she put it, there is a certain peace and stillness about my writing that doesn't seem to reflect the vivid emotions I have attempted to 'describe' throughout my recent posts. Perhaps even passive. Maybe I'm subconsciously channeling behaviour in real life. It takes a whole lot to get me excited, and a whole lot more to make me shed a tear. Yet deep down there is this cauldron of thoughts boiling, and god knows what kind of truth it might bare should it simmer over the fire long enough.

Or maybe it's because of the white background that is generating some peaceful aura that affects my readers. Who knows? It's all psychological.

Speaking of psychology, I was thinking recently how intriguing it would be to deeply understand an individual. Afterall, throughout our lives, we've been subconsciously dealing out scores to people we have only met once or twice, basing our judgement on prejudice or experience. Oh how I yearn for deep conversation, something that would bridge gaps and more importantly, create awareness of the lives around you. A clean slate would be a nice starting point.

You might be surprised how someone can be so similar or so vastly different from you. Not everyone is leading a normal lifestyle.

Emerge dreams

2009-02-01T17:17:00.002+08:00

Had rehearsal in school for the afternoon. Yes. It's a Sunday and there's rehearsal. Don't get me wrong, I would gladly return to school at 3am to sing. The tight schedule all the way up to Emerge required us to return on Sundays as well.

Given the chance to perform at Lunar Bar on the 23rd is really a dream come true for me. I had always wanted to perform on a larger stage, to a larger audience and hopefully touch them with my song. All these years I've enjoyed singing, and it feels great to at least do something constructive out of it, even if it's only for one time..because it's a chance for people to recognise your effort. Most importantly, it's a personal target I've set out to achieve.

It's fun practising all this while and I finally realise why people never tire when they do the things they love. Similarly, it is also why people always go out of the way to please the ones they love, never expecting anything in return. Both cases are driven by love.

I'll be singing Eason Chan's 'Aren't you glad' and 神木与瞳's ' 为你而活 '. 'Aren't you glad' is one of Eason's english songs and the lyrics make so much sense and impact that the first time I heard it, I wanted to perform it. From the auditions all the way up to the first note the live band had conjured up based on listening to the original track, I was greatly attracted to the song. In fact, the more I practised and rehearsed, the more I loved the song. It just had this unspoken impact.

For the other song, it's one powerhouse rock song. How many times I've yearned to sing a rock song on stage. Haha. Now that I've finally got the chance to scream in public, I do hope I get to bring the house that night. My only concern is my fellow duet singer. I'm taking this very seriously and I hope she can put in her best also.

23rd February. A date of significant meaning.

Every song has a message waiting to be put into life. Sure, that day when am singing, there'll probably be several in the audience who can relate to the music and lyrics. I would be just glad to put it in melody for them. Yet, the people I want most to be there will not be and it's terribly disappointing. I want you to see me do what I've always wanted to do. Living a dream is exhilarating but being there alone is just barren.

23rd February. Emerge. Lunar Fusion Bar at Clarke Quay. $15. Contact me for tickets and advice on how to sneak in if you are underaged.

a rushed post with pockets of emo which I quite dislike

2009-01-31T21:26:00.003+08:00

Rushing to complete the usual stuff I do on the internet and decided to throw in another post before the laptop shuts off. The problem you see, is that I had left my charger in the clubroom on Friday and that meant I had 3 hours plus of battery to use until I go back on Sunday for rehearsals.

Rationing, I should say..and there is a tinge of excitement in rushing to download and print tutorials before my battery runs flat. I had little internet to use today, so I had spent some time watching television and detailing the car. Went out in the afternoon so I guess I did not feel that bored. Ah, case of being over-reliant on technology.

Had a really fun time chasing tutorials and catching up on readings. Really bugged me when I caught a glimpse of my macroeconomics lecture slides a while ago. I had missed the lecture because I was too tired from overnight rehearsal.

Big performance coming up and it's really somewhat a dream come true for me and I want to do it well. It feels happy to be doing what you love to do and see the opportunities coming in naturally with no desire for any reward whatsover. You just enjoy yourself and do your best everytime with no complain or procrastination. Is this what they call passion? Don't think I had that in a long while and it would be a huge void to fill once this big project is done.

Voids. I had to attempt to fill a big one recently. In real life, I'm the type who would bottle up all the problems and issues inside me. Until one day when it gets too full, I'll probably punch the walls until my knuckles bleed or confide in someone I feel has a good listening ear and a rational mind. While you ponder over the credibility of the previous sentence, let me assure you I prefer the latter while I'm kidding about the former. In fact, I started this blog so that I could 'talk' to it (seriously) as I would always feel better when I put things in words.

Ok, back to the 'void', let me just say it doesn't feel too good. I shall be point blank because my stupid battery can't sustain. Yes. I miss her. The best way not too sound emo (hate it) is to be blatantly honest. I miss her like how I miss the train. I miss her like how I try to hit you but I miss. Sounds dumb. I wonder how my students are going to react to this while they are reading (if they still are) when they realise they had such a 'drama' teacher for half a year. Yes, but I am only human. Cut me and I'll bleed. Push too hard and I will fall to the ground with a resounding 'thump'.

What I feel now is emptiness..and I hurriedly try to fill the gaps with all sorts of activities that would take my mind off thinking. Yet, in the cold of the night when everything is dead still, it all comes crashing down like a raging inferno, rupturing the barrier I had forcefully created to protect myself from the myraid of doubts and questions that threaten my sanity.

How long can I remain in this comfortable, 'status quo' tranquility that keeps me awake? Deep down inside, there is still the pain that just can't seem to go away. Moving on seems out of my capability. At least for right now. Not at this point when everything still hangs in the balance, or how I wish it would. I feel like screaming out loud, for crying out loud!

In other words, I still feel like crap.

my desire to write something is back

2009-01-25T10:53:00.002+08:00

I admit for one point in time I forgot that I had actually a blog in existence and the main reason for my absence was because I was caught up with all the changes that had happened and just wasn't in the 'writing' mood.

Blogs are an extension of the ego, they say. Surely, even the word 'blog' just gives me the no holds barred, all things go type of vibe. Technically, by definition, it means 'web log', which has significantly less excitement than the word 'blog'. How irrelevant, but who cares, it's a blog.

Just a couple of updates in my life..

1st semester is done. Being clueless in the first sem didn't hurt me too much fortunately. Although the module choices had been screwed up from the start, I managed to do decently well by my standards. The last 3 months also gave me the confidence that nothing else in future could be worse than 'maths 5 hours a week, 3500 chinese essay, 1500 word political sci essay' type of combination. I could be wrong about this. I hope not.

Relationships have also become complicated. It's not 'official' anymore. Key word here is 'official' and I refuse to elaborate more because I try to avoid brooding too much. In December I probably hit the lowest point of my life. Before I start to sound emo, let me cover it up with slightly fancy vocab such as 'wall-punching' and 'hair-tearing'. Now it sounds angsty but in actual fact, I was really upset. For a couple of weeks, I blocked out all thoughts and got on with my daily life in denial. I felt like crap. It's probably more complicated than I think, even up till this point, though I hate to admit it. I can't say I have 'recovered' from the issue yet, because it's still in the balance and serious doubts have been bugging me from no end. No, am not ok, in case you decide to ask.

On a relatively lighter note, I've been working on a makeover. Yes, I mean an appearance makeover. Not that I want to, but I'm taking the stage end Feb and I can't have an 'uncle' style anymore. 'Uncle style' is a pro-comfort, color combination don't matter, dad's sandals type of style, the best way to blend into the background. It's also not really fantastic to hear that you look sleepy while attempting to channel 'emo' because of small eyes. So I've opted back to the less comfortable of optical aids - lenses. This way my 'electrifying' eyes won't be blocked by my supposedly trendy but not glasses. Sad.

Time to shop for a new wardrobe as well. I think it sounds pretty frivolous and I feel bimbotic.

Today's CNY eve and I guess my parents and I are having our reunion at Astons. It's so CNY feel I love it.

eons later...

2008-10-09T21:08:00.002+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. I mean, if you are still reading this, thank you for checking back. The term has been nothing but hectic. I think I'm studying quite a lot, at least if you compare to college but I can still barely keep up.

Have been sleeping real late and waking up early. Early by my standards that is. About 7am. I am never one that wakes up late anyway. Some tuned biological alarm clock thingey. Even if I try to be a bum and force myself to sleep until 10am, I still find my eyes forcing themselves open at 8. This includes the weekends as well.

Even as am typing this I'm feeling sleepy. Tomorrow is a no-lesson day for me and probably I'll try to wake up later. However, there's always something I'll have to do and not doing it bugs the hell out of me, so probably that's what makes me spring out of bed in the mornings.

I intended to talk about something more heavy and 'serious' but I figured I wasn't in that kinda mood to do anything along those lines. So I'll probably leave it to next time, whenever that is.

Oh. Sorry 2BN I can't turn up for tomorrow's class outing. Got a mini concert coming up and there's rehearsals tomorrow, which kinda reminds me I haven't blogged about my CCA yet. Let's leave it to next time.

What I have got for my modules

2008-08-20T23:40:00.002+08:00

Contary to popular belief, I am not dead like my blog is and while you are still speculating, I'm here again to revive my blog.

The lazy bones in me are dominating my soul and I always find the excuse of the lack of inspiration to blog. Which is partly true because in this 2nd week of university life, I'm still caught up with all the settling in and module bidding that I can't recount anything barely interesting.

Well, it's not right just blogging every 2 weeks or so because I know of a handful of avid readers who seemingly find direction and solace in my ramblings (uh hum..) and it'll be sorry to disappoint them. Let's just say I shall try to blog more often ok?

Module bidding and tutorial balloting are over and the initial modules I got were Economics, English, Calculus, Chinese Studies and Theatre Studies.

You heard the last 2 correct.

Chinese Studies - History of China and Chinese Literature. First lecture was a giant boot to the sleepy face. Nothing short of traumatising, I was left frozen in panic a couple of moments through the lecture. Lecture was in mandarin (ok duh) and presentation was in traditional chinese characters. I was momentarily swarmed by ancient chinese facts regarding history and culture. It was a sudden blow to the senses because I've lost touch with the language.

Theatre Studies - Don't want to go too much into it as I was seriously disturbed by the whole atmosphere when I stepped into the LT. Well..even before that I was already feeling apprehensive. I don't know what it was. Probably the small course intake, probably the lecturer, probably the people I saw in there. It was stifling in all sorts of the word. Luckily the lecture was only an hour. Apparently there is supposed to be a 2 hr practical every week which required you to 'wear loose clothing as you are required to do movements on the floor' and I guess that really scared me away.

Yep. Guess I made the decision to appeal out of the course and tranferred to Political Science. I have decided to stick with Chinese Studies though because heard that it wasn't as scary as it seemed and today's lecture I actually could understand. About 90 percent of it. Great.

Ok, gotta go off now. It'll be good if I can blog again in a couple of days.

off cors and bidding

2008-08-08T21:10:00.003+08:00

Past week has been an emotionally stressful one as the bidding for modules progress. The system is called CORS and although it has a nice ring to it, it still fails to hide its facade as one big mind game.

Mind game it is, as behind the seemingly passive looking system, lies the necessity to predict the actions of hundreds of other minds with similar objectives. Any moment of fickle-mindedness and unexpected bids will upset the delicate balance, sending the numbers spiralling.

What adds to the complexity is the fact that no one knows what the other is bidding or where he stands, other than the highest and lowest bid and the number of vacancies left. Personally, I had spent numerous hours on bidding day camping in front of the screen, making appropriate changes while nervously hitting the refresh button every 10 minutes.

Maybe it isn't that necessary, maybe I will not be so tense in the subsequent rounds, which undoubtedly would last throughout the few years or so. However the past few days have been an emotional roller coaster. Afterall, I only got the 5 modules after the third bidding round and they weren't my initial choices.

The next thing on the agenda is the balloting of tutorials and their allocation will determine if my Fridays will be free. The possibility of a 4 day week excites me but any unexpected turn of events will wipe that out.

I seriously need some luck.

One of the best birthdays

2008-07-26T22:38:00.003+08:00

Officially 21 years of age today. 21 seems to be the age of transition, the age when society takes you more seriously and the time when cinemas open all their doors to you.

This birthday has been nothing short of special. The surprises had started pouring in on Thursday, when 3DL turned my lesson into a birthday celebration cum farewell. I'll be lying if I said I didn't suspect anything at all. Afterall, it was a lesson after recess and a sizable number of students were missing, very unlike the class. The instructions to clap were audible to me too but the moment when the cake was brought in felt really sweet.

Later in the day, D also surprised me with a box of pleasant things that meant a lot to me. It was a quaint little package done up in over an afternoon. Let's just say a part of it almost moved me to tears. I was taken aback by the ease at how tears welled up as it has never happened before, at least not in the movies. My self proclaimed emotional stability has been seriously undermined. Based on the D's gift solely, it could very well be the best birthday ever.

Friday evening was great too, as I met up with friends from the car forum for dinner and gathering at Tiong Bahru Market. They had a cake for me too and great food and company ruled the night.

Saturday morning was spent plucking wild grass from the front lawn while the later part of the day was spent with D at Kbox. The birthday package granted me a discount and a complimentary cake. Although the texture tasted really cheap and the blueberry was more like jam than anything else, D and I managed to plough through about 1/4 of it and I packed the rest home. Had some mildly filling yet satisfying pasta at Waraku for dinner.

I had another surprise as I reached home. Realised mum had walked all the way to Parkway to get a Black Forest cake for me. We waited for dad to return before celebrating. Especially meaningful it was, as I vaguely recall the last time my parents and I got together for cake cutting was like 10 years ago. It was never a habit so it felt strange at first. But in the end it still felt really meaningful. Mum claims 21 is a milestone and it is in a way, symbolic to celebrate it in the new house.

Going to have a look at Ice the Golden Retriever with my parents tomorrow. Hopefully will be able to get it. It'll truly be a nice addition to the family.

a cheem-by-my-standards post about 'change'

2008-07-20T00:18:00.004+08:00

The secondary 3s had to write a one word essay about 'Change' during their June holidays. Probably the setter of the question wanted them to speak about their views of the ever changing world, or maybe recall the last transformation in their lives that has impacted them significantly whatsoever. It could also be highly likely he was looking for reflection over the past 6 months or his entire life.

Ploughing throught 30 plus essays on 'change' was more boring than expected. Most were mundane, some were brinking on the edge of the unbelievable, while others lacked logic in parts. Surprises came in the form of 'change' being something you receive from the shopkeeper after using the big note. Not a pleasant surprise I must say, because as realisation of the irrelevant plot sank in, my heart did the same.

On a personal basis, life has also been on the edge of significant change especially this couple of weeks. The rollercoaster of emotions has been taking me for a ride during this period, when the days leading to varsity entry looms up on me inevitably. My feelings are hardly justifiable, especially since a year back, I was more than geared up for it. Now, it just seems that I am dreading the day I step in that is matriculation, and my confidence seems to be wearing away.

7 months outside and gradually slipping into the comfort zone I suppose. Yet, I can do nothing to stop myself from feeling apprehensive despite being fully aware. Feeling much better now though, as I'm convinced this is just anxiety and the impending fear of the big unknown playing the devil.

I'll probably get into the flow of things in less than a week. Hopefully.

Another big change will probably be the fact that I'm moving house. In fact, at the point of writing, I can say that I'm moving this afternoon, officially. The new house is a big one, something to look forward to everyday. Possibilities are endless. Yet the current one harbours the memories of the past 2 decades, and probably slightly more for my parents. It's been a difficult decision but we all hope the new environment brings with it a whole new world of living and creating fresh memories.

Now as I'm sitting in my spartan room typing this post, I notice the echo resounding off the hollow walls and floor everytime I ponder aloud. Cupboards and shelves are presently empty. Once the untidy abode has become a hollow shell for the next occupants to fill in. I sound emo but I'm not. I'm just expressing myself.

I told my students once it's always meaningful to be able to write about a real personal recount in an essay, but avoid if it may turn out boring for exam purposes. If anyone took this part of what is happening to my life now and turn it into an essay, it would probably need a hell lot of good vocab and vivid reflections to transform it into a winning one. Anything less even I will fail it.

It is always good to note that behind every seemingly normal and mundane transition will carry with it a inevitable tangle of emotions that lives with your subconscious.

Leaving certain things behind

2008-07-12T00:07:00.002+08:00

Haven't blogged in ages. And it somehow looks like that sentence has been thrown around quite a bit in this blog.

Quite a bit has happened since the last entry. It has been back to school for me, kind of because the previous teacher couldn't stay for long so it was decided that getting me back would be a convenient choice. Well, until the trained teacher arrives.

Already been teaching for a week and at this point of time, I guess I have about 1 more week to go before actually ending my stint as a teacher. This job has been an interesting and refreshing experience, one that has made me feel beyond my years many a time. I've learnt a lot I must say and it's about time to move on.

Speaking of moving on, my family has decided to move to the new house. This is after much discussion, some indecisiveness and a whole lot of serious consideration. 20 years in the present one, probably time to move on to a bigger, better place, but I'll probably miss this place dearly.

It's getting late and I'm sleepy. Late nights and early mornings have taken a huge toll on me. Stubborn and noisy students usually make things worse. Thank goodness it's already Saturday, and it's time to rest.

overdue post on 1 day relief

2008-06-26T22:54:00.001+08:00

Casual relief for today. Then it’s a couple more weeks of slack before I come back here again for a week for actual lessons. I’m in class now for the 1st period of things and so far, things seemed to have returned to what it was like for the first half of the year.

Of course, it’s pretty obvious it’s not going to stay this way as things are going to change a mighty much in August. Change..something that I’ve always thought twice before venturing into. Most times I don’t have choice and get shoved rudely into. The current apprehension about university must be really normal. It must be, yet I sometimes just wish I can remain status quo. It’s really strange, for there’s really isn’t much reason that is holding me back.

Anyway, back to the morning, it felt pretty good seeing old faces I’ve conversed, laughed, hung out and cried with, although the last part about crying is not true and just there to make the sentence flow smooth. Heh.

And there were plenty of new faces too. So many new teachers, permanent or temporary, which really says a lot about the possible manpower crisis MOE is facing..These will be the new faces that will be taking the students for the next couple of months, or more I hope, for change isn’t exactly the best thing for students taking their finals in a couple of months.

I was a new face in the school once, worked a semester and when things were just really getting started and I started settling in, I was out of it. Well, technically 5 days more in July and then I’ll be out. And who knows when I’ll be back again. It’s really cruel when I think of it sometimes. Well, at least it feels this way but circumstances obviously doesn’t allow and people always have to move on.

I always wonder to myself sometimes how many of the people I’ve known over the course of the last 6 months in this assignment will still remain contactable for say, until the mid of next year. A quick glance back at personal history shows that I’m not really adept at keeping old friends, especially those that I’ve merely bonded with in a short time. 6 months isn’t exactly short, but it didn’t really feel sufficient either. I just hope that good memories aren’t the only thing I take away from this place.

Lesson’s ending soon and it feels good to be able to churn out this moderately emo post of this word length in this slightly less than an hour timeframe. Usually it’ll take more. Anyways, this post will only be uploaded later in the night because there’s no internet here and I’m using MSword. So I’m not having lessons at night.

*Meant to be posted on Monday night but posted only now because I'm lazy.

quick post before I go HK

2008-06-11T05:48:00.003+08:00

Right now I'm at the departure gallery at Changi Airport. Free internet access. So since I'm a Singaporean and internet is free, I ought to use it right?

Ok, actually nothing really constructive to talk about. Just that I'm about to leave for HK in an hour. Reaching there just in time for lunch, which will be a chore deciding because of the variety.

I love the food in HK. A quick calculation tells me I've about 14 meals there, not including the ones before, in between and after. Let's see what percentage of HK cuisine I can cover.

Ok..free internet access is running out of time. Probably spend the last 4 minutes or so surfing aimlessly around although I've no website to visit in particular. Hey, it's free right? Gotta use as much as possible!

Bye, hope there's internet access in the hotel. But I doubt it's free.

ok some updates and changes

2008-06-01T02:01:00.002+08:00

So here I am around 2am on a Sunday morning, web logging. Somehow, I had decided to make some minor changes to my blog and figured it was also a rather appropriate time to convey my thoughts.

I always figure that it is always during the wee hours of the morning, when everything is tranquil that is the best time to jot down what I feel with no interruption. With the low humming of the air-conditioner in the background, the only other sounds that seem to accompany my reflections are the almost rythmic tappings of my fingers against the slightly dusty keyboard tiles. To me, the nights are always a pretty time to blog, which kind of explains this blog address.

I have changed the colour scheme and background of the blog, removed the music and added a tag board. This tag board thingey I've contemplated for a while, ever since I've started sharing the url with my students. I figured they probably found leaving a comment not 'casual' or convenient enough, hence only the occasional comment popping up.

I don't really have a counter for this blog because it started out as a discrete, personal diary that served mainly as an avenue to structure and rationalise my thoughts. So I really wonder sometimes how many hits I get per day or per week, making me deliberate over the possibility of the shoutbox. Well, we'll see how it goes this week.

Anyway, the trip to HK has been confirmed and I'll leave in about 10 days time. Budget is probably the only thing that limits me but I'm not intending to do crazy shopping or anything so I'll probably be comfortable enough with the expenditure. It'll simply be pleasant to be able to finally see her again after this while.

about the camp

2008-05-30T11:50:00.002+08:00

Obviously, there wasn't any internet connection at the resort and there wasn't television too. I'm not complaining for at least that put us closer to nature and less reliant on technological conveniences and comfort. It's supposed to be called Rainforest Resort, so it's a pretty good excuse to exclude television from the list of resort room features. Ha ha..well at least there were powerpoints and a proper shower head.

I slept better there. Probably much earlier than the time I would sleep back home. I guess the beds and air conditioner helped quite a bit. There wasn't MSN to keep me awake too. Really quite a refreshing change from my nightly routine. I had long forgotten how sleeping and waking up early felt. However, now that I'm back in Singapore, I probably sleep late anyways.

Let's all not forget that I was there on a secondary 2 level camp, so the focus generally was on the sec 2s and not on how I enjoyed my escape from the city. I don't feel like elaborating on the details of the events or activities, mainly because I'm lazy and I don't want to bore you repeatedly on how this activity and that is a fantastic way to improve teamwork or simply overcome your fear of heights and building confidence blah blah.

Let's just say I was always constantly reminded of my own level camps back then, which I wasn't too pleased of and didn't particularly enjoy. I wasn't exactly the most outgoing kid and lacked quite a bit of self faith and overloading on cowardice. Being slightly pudgy didn't help things one bit. It wasn't really fun being me when you were in camps like these, which required huge doses of enthusiasm and some really thick skin sometimes.

Well, I was probably brimming with 'nostalgia' when the group I was in charge of attempted to carry me through a huge tyre and I guess that was the closest I could get to reliving the good ol' days. And I wasn't too happy about that either because they said I was heavy. Bah. Yeah, I'm sour. Haha.

The highest point of the camp was probably I going down to the lake for kayaking. Yep, paddling in a long, red kayak around a large, circular lake in circles, intentionally and unintentionally. I insist I was in control most of the time and my lowly 1 star badge in kayaking at least helped me stay afloat while I fiddled around with the paddle in a noobish fashion. Other times, I was just 'using the force' and ended up crashing into the sides a couple of times. Luckily I didn't capsize which would be extremely embarrasing. I also have a fear of capsizing, having broken the capsizing record when I was taking up the course.

I guess I've had enough talking about the camp. Not exactly a full fledged description of what exactly happened but I just decided to talk about stuff that I related to more. Overall, it was a really relaxing activity for me and I hope, an enriching one for my students.

Hmm, going to the airport later to send her off. Feeling a tad empty now. I guess 3 weeks is a rather long time for me in this situation and I'll truly miss her. But I'll make a trip down in the middle of the month though. Who's coming?

off to camp i go

2008-05-21T23:59:00.002+08:00

Leaving for Kota Tinggi with the secondary 2s on their level camp tomorrow. Hence will be out of action until Sunday morning or so. I'm still wondering at this point of time whether I've left out anything in my pack list.

Had a pleasant surprise from 3DL yesterday. It was a small poster with a photo collage and some well wishes on it. Pretty nicely done. And then there were the personalised mini 'postcards' from each student placed neatly in a quaint, sweet-looking box.

I love what they had given me - something simple and creative, yet brimming with meaning and heart. That really made my day.

Today was kind of the last official day of lessons for me at least for this 5 month assignment so I gathered each secondary 3 class today to have some class photos taken. It's been a really enjoyable and meaningful time full of ups and downs but overall, saying the past months rock will be a severe understatement.

Ok, guess I've to check my items one more time before I find something missing tomorrow morning and fumble..

I'll sign off for now. If there is no internet connection over there, I hope to update on Sunday.

what have i been doing ..

2008-05-19T23:18:00.003+08:00

Looks like I've been MIA for a while. Have been returning home late lately hence wasn't in the mood to do anything that required my brain. I'm not really implying that blogging consumes brain cells, just that I just felt like just chilling out in front of the comp and do some casual surfing and chatting. As always.

Anyways, what really happened in the past 2 weeks or so was the mid year examinations. No lessons but was really busy with the marking I had to do. First came the 120 scripts of English essays which I duly completed in about a week after which literature came in.

Well, literature marking tested my limits to say the least. Only 3 teachers marking the entire level, which left each with a section of the paper. 12 classes..an average of about 35 students per class and that meant I had to plough through about 700 scripts.

All to be done in slightly less than a week. Hence, a target of 2 classes a day was set. The task was daunting, but once the answers were programmed in your head, it wasn't as difficult as it seemed. It was just mentally taxing, and I forgot the number of incidences when I stared at a script and went blank.

Now that the mid years and marking are over, it is also about time my contract ends. After this long weekend, it's only Tuesday and Wednesday of offical lessons before I join the secondary 2s on their level camp until Sunday. Contract officially ends on the 23rd May.

I've kinda grown to love the job and the people, especially all my students. It will be a cliche to say how time has flown over the past months but it's true. I believed I've told myself several times and I believe I've stated somewhere in this blog, that I'll persevere with this job no matter how tough it got. I'm glad I did. Oh well.

This assignment has also been a meaningful one. It is my first job and one big step from the confines of NS to the outside world. I have gone into the job hoping to improve my confidence and public speaking skills and I'm sure I have accomplished that. Teaching english and literature has also increased my exposure and interest towards the subjects and put me in the shoes of my mother. I have met new people and also got the chance to pass on my knowledge, no matter how limited it is/was.

Most importantly, it is through this job that I have met her. And that will make it as memorable and meaningful as it will be.

Well.. I'll be back in school for 1 week in July and it's off to uni I go. New phase, new people, yet how I wish I didn't have to leave this comfort zone.

am i just overwhelmed?

2008-05-04T18:43:00.002+08:00

Too many things going on in my life right now. So many goals, yet effort put in always seems so minute when placed in comparison with the larger picture.

I think I'm quite daunted and overwhelmed by the whole university admission thing. This whole thing really scares me now that I think of it. Until a few days ago, I've just begun to question myself on the choice of course I've made. Is business course right for me?

I don't know where all these doubts are stemming from. My fear? Or my sudden change of perspectives in life? I'm guessing the comfort zone which I've just settled in has wrapped me in a nice, warm blanket which I refuse to leave. It almost seems like I've mellowed.

Guess I need to sit down and think properly because I might just be blowing things out of proportion and clouding my sense of reasoning. Highly possible. Maybe I just love to be a teacher so much and hope to remain status quo, hence my subconscious is playing the fool.

Oh well. I'm more than halfway through the marking. Had so much 'fun' reading the stories. Guess I really made a fantastic choice in requesting to mark the narratives rather than the discursives.

marking is in

2008-04-24T19:56:00.004+08:00

It always feels nice to make people happy, especially the ones you love. Yesterday afternoon, I decided to drop by her student's tuition place to wait for her after lesson. With me was a tub of Ben & Jerry's. It was some chocolate flavour with brownies in it. She didn't know so I guess it was quite a pleasant surprise. Luckily I remembered to bring the spoons along. :P

Today was the start of the mid year exams and English was the first paper. I spent most of last night fielding questions from my students. Some needed advice while others encouragement. A couple irritated me by asking me things that I've gone through in class so many times.

Today was also my first time invigilating an exam. Many a times I have been part of the mass of students sitting in the hall feeling so nervous, as the invigilators prowled the isles. My students all seemed fine, or so I hope, as several of them finished more than half an hour before the end and were 'meditating'.

Scripts are in and already been divided. I can start on the 120 scripts anytime but I hope I can finish them before the literature scripts come in. Students don't bug me regarding your answers, I'm not marking any of the 2 classes. :)

must be a safer driver

2008-04-13T19:10:00.002+08:00

Tailgating, unnecessary braking, cutting lanes without signalling, fast corners..these are just some of the bad driving habits I have. Sometimes I really get angry with myself for being so irresponsible.

I've already made a promise to her to be a safe driver. The last thing I want is passengers getting freaked out when they sit in my car, especially the ones closer to me. It's harder than I thought because I get my fair share of nonsense on the roads too. Well, it's time to take a huge step back and start mastering Highway Code once more.

On a side note, my best friend who just got his license for barely 2 months rented a 220 bhp Integra and went up to 160kph at Tuas. Sports cars are meant to be fast. However, not in the hands of a new driver in a high powered car he just laid his hands on. I admire his courage but am quite taken aback and slightly disappointed by how rash he was.

I don't think I would ever go at that speeds on Singapore roads. The license was way hard to get.

melted gummies

2008-04-03T21:04:00.003+08:00

Gummy sweets do actually melt.

This is what I've learnt today. Left a small bag of sweets in the car this morning and went off to start the day. It was meant as a little surprise for her.

What started out as a quaint little collection of multi-coloured gummy sweets in an array of shapes and sizes was reduced to a slimy concoction under the intense, oven-like conditions in the cabin.

Let's just say that there was a good bit of humour when she received it. The whole package just ended up in the bin. 5 bucks down the drain. 5 bucks worth of gummies I've selected myself.

At this point, I'm still feeling particularly silly.

meeting expectations

2008-03-20T23:14:00.002+08:00

The past week had been a hectic and tiring one. The new timetable wasn't doing anything to help the stacks and stacks of marking I should have completed during the holidays. Thank goodness tomorrow is Good Friday.

I think I'm a rather thrashy teacher. A little clueless, a little behind time, a little blur..and sometimes the lack of experience and knowledge in the area of literature takes a big chunk out of my confidence and credibility during lessons.

Some of my students are more straightforward and they tell me not so nice things in my face. I hate to give the excuse that I'm untrained because I feel it's a responsibility to do my best. I am. However, my students see it as inefficient and I'm not meeting their expectations. Sometimes, it feels terrible because it almost seems I'm giving excuses everytime I try to explain.

Just had Meet the Parents session until 9pm. Reached home at 2pm thinking I could have a good nap but received a phone call to go down at 430pm to get ready for it. Totally slipped my mind, and I took the chance to rest before heading down again.

The session was okay. Quite an eye opener. I still remember my own Meet the Parents session way back in secondary 2. I wasn't a particular good student, and I remember it didn't feel exactly fantastic to be grilled about stuff you didn't do in front of your parents and teacher.

Spent the entire time speaking and explaining to parents regarding their kids' performance in literature. It didn't feel too good failing three quarters of a class, and I had much explanation to do. I still have to settle the issue for giving double zeros to a particular kid who didn't hand up his assignments. However, the parents seemed satisfied with what I had to say.

Oh well..suffering from a headache at this instant..I don't get these often but I guess the previous week has taken quite a toll on me.

what u get when u blog when sleepy.

2008-03-17T23:17:00.003+08:00

In our lives, we meet many people. Strangers, acquaintances, friends, good friends, best friends. Some make a significant difference, some just fleet past our minds, barely registering in our memories.

Some of the people we meet develop into 'hi bye' friends, some of them might just stay acquaintances. And there are several who would become close pals, while others we forget about a few years down the road.

Which makes me wonder how many people I am in contact with now will become at least an acquaintance or maybe a friend that will still be there 5 years down the road..

Ok.. I intended to write more. However, I'm too tired to carry on. Blahh..

just an update..

2008-03-11T22:57:00.002+08:00

The past week has been overwhelming, in bits and pieces. I mean it in a good way though. Sometimes, things just happen and the moments, though fleeting, are beautiful.

I guess this is how life is. Unpredictable. You can be reeling with excitement one moment and the next, you have the wind sucker-punched out of you by something you didn't even see coming.

For me, at least for now, life seems to be cruising along at the right pace and right direction. One thing I've learnt recently is that we should make the most out of the present. Seize every opportunity to make every moment you live worth remembering.

I say this because sometimes we tend to get too caught up in the past that it prevents us from moving forward. We dwell too much in its shadows that it deprives us of the multitude of opportunities that creep past us without our knowledge. And once a moment is gone, it's lost forever.

School holidays this week. No school, no pay. I have a whole lot of marking to complete. They just keep coming it's scary. The classes are actually hurrying me for the assignments and tests. Busy is good though. I love busy.

you might not understand this post

2008-03-05T13:15:00.004+08:00

Today I'm going to break my number 1 rule in blogging. I am going to hold back on my writing and feelings. Mainly because my students read this blog and I don't think it's appropriate to write everything down.

Students, if you are reading this, let me apologise first for being slightly irrelevant and incoherent in my lesson today. Some of you might have caught me staring into space thinking, and ignoring you. I apologise for letting my feelings and emotions get in the way of my lesson. I am sorry for undermining the professionalism and responsibility I'm required to display.

Earlier, I've said something about not writing everything down because it's inappropriate. Scratch that. I don't think I'll be able to do so even if I tried. Things are just a total mess right now. My mind's clouded with a million thoughts that I have been trying very hard to put in perspective but to no avail.

I tried to cast them at the back of my head and lose myself in the pile of literature assignments but they all start coming back to me, pleading for some form of resolution..or at least some organization.

The thoughts just don't flow smooth. So many coursing through my mind, yet all scraping the surface of comprehension.

I have already made my point clear last night. Time is on our side. Yet, I don't think I can continue with what I've set out to do in the midst of this seemingly interminable wait. It's only been that number of hours since yesterday but I can't get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.

I've already explained that it's necessary. Things can't just move on if one is held back by one thing or another. Lying to yourself is wrong. So taking a step back for a breather always helps.

I'm sorry for being a tad emo. However, I had to if not I would explode. I guess that's what emo does. I know, emo is a form of release..

It's not easy to hide your hurt behind a smile.

this is special

2008-03-02T01:10:00.002+08:00

" Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breaths away. "

You must have heard this quote somewhere before since it's kind of common. I personally, try to avoid using cliches, but sometimes cliches are cliches because they have truth and meaning behind them. They, in turn, played significant roles in one's life one time or another.

The past week had been nothing short of special. Although there had been doubts and questions, it all became clear just a while ago.

It was surreal and it still is. It would probably take a while to register everything into this part of my memory which I'll treasure for the rest of my life.

crazy.

2008-02-23T22:48:00.004+08:00

CONFUSION. QUESTIONS. DOUBTS.

My mind feels like a freaking rollercoaster. This is probably going to be the longest weekend of my life. It's going to take a hell lot more to top this. I'm almost halfway done. Sunday will be dreary.

Can't wait for Monday.

Monday seems to have all the answers.

The last couple of days have been surreal. Things slipped into a whole new dimension just like that. At least that's how I felt. It's like on the brink of scary. Don't even remember what exactly happened. Everything is a blur. And I mean, really one patch of fog when I look back. Terrible comparison. Heck.

Strangely, despite all these, there's still this tinge of nice.

Ok. Please stop speculating and concentrate on your studies.

too young?

2008-02-21T00:40:00.003+08:00

Today in class someone asked me how I felt about boy girl relationships (BGRs) at their age of 14, maybe 15.

From the perspective of someone only about 5 years older, I feel that 15 years old is way too young to be starting any form of relationships with the opposite sex. Let me take this opportunity to say that for my past years in school, I've rarely even seen a couple last through the end of the school term. But this is just me, you might have your own real life examples to refute my claim.

Which leads me to question the motivating factor behind getting into BGRs at such a tender age. The feeling to love and just be so overwhelmingly surrounded by its magic is simply put, amazing. And many teenagers can't tell the difference between truly in love with the person or just simply in love with this feeling of being in love.

The line in between is frightfully thin. And I'm not saying that only teenagers are vulnerable. Sometimes we dive blindly into this illusion and before we know it, we are caught up in the frenzy of things finally unable to tell its subtle difference.

Of course, a person at 20 will see things very differently from someone who is 5 years younger. And believe me, 5 years can do a lot to your perspectives. I remember when I was 15, I vaguely remember I was confused. Of course, I never had the slightest hint back then and some of my actions really do baffle me, especially now when I look back.

Heck, even now at this point of writing, I still don't get a clear idea on love and relationships. I was always baffled, still is and I believe I will always continue questioning, this whole complex idea behind love. I know, at the back of my head, that I can never really find a satisfactory answer. I guess it keeps me thinking. For me, getting lost in my thoughts have become some sort of an escape.

To my students, I can never give you my exact opinion on love and relationships at your age. It is because I'm constantly questioning, and the questions I have rob me of the confidence. I may have said 15 is too young but that's just in all sense of the word, politically correctness.

All I can say is, you do get a clearer idea of things when you are out of the picture and looking back in. We all tend to be myopic when we are in the midst of all the action. That's why sometimes I encourage people to stand back and take a breather.

Whatever it is, when you love, love with all your heart. Cherish and savour every possible moment in love you can gather. It is these moments that define a relationship and not its duration.

And that is all I have to say for tonight.

for love or money

2008-02-17T00:43:00.004+08:00

According to Adam Khoo's 'Secrets of Self-Made Millionaires', there is a long list of common negative associations about money that prevent people from truly becoming rich. It is these subconscious beliefs that cause them to repel money and prevent them from becoming wealthy without even realising it.

Below are several examples, just to name a few:

1) Money is the 'root of all evil'
2) To get rich, you must be lucky, dishonest or really smart
3) Money will not buy you happiness
4) If I have more money, I will have more worries and problems
5) Rich people are stingy

If one applies the same theory to love, you will realise that there are people around you that find reasons not to fall in love. Or simply refuse to show their true emotions to the ones they adore.

Sometimes people do hold back for fear of rejection. They become too judgmental of oneself and others as they form unwritten criteria that eventually shape their perceptions. They are actually finding excuses to turn away, questioning the possibility of any result.

Is love going to last? Are the circumstances right? But we seem so different, are we meant to be?

It is in the subconscious that prevents them from truly loving. And then there are those who are afraid of getting hurt, held back by their past.

In Low Kay Hwa's book 'I believe you', there is this one line that made a lot of sense. In love, either you love or you don't. You don't hold back your feelings. Because if you do, you will never get to embrace its true meaning.

something really random

2008-02-16T00:25:00.003+08:00

Here is me taking a pinch at some black pepper chicken from the plate of Yen Lin, a fellow relief at CCHSM. Nothing much. Just felt that it's been a while I've been in such a candid shot so I just decided to post it up.

Pattaya chicken from Western Delights - probably the best dish in Singapore school canteen history.

the Vday was unlike previous ones

2008-02-15T23:42:00.005+08:00

How was your Valentine's Day?

I became a 'date facilitator' for my best friend this year. So the ideas came up over an evening few nights before D-day at Dempsey where we were scouting for potential restaurants there to take his girl to.

And somehow over cake at Dome Cafe I kinda offered to be their official driver for that evening. Mainly because the location was quite inaccessible without vehicle and the tight schedule would deem other forms of public transport a tad too inconvenient.

I shall not specify details on that particular evening. Let's just say it went smoothly admist fears of losing my way and ruining a wonderful evening. I told him I'll just drop them off at the nearest MacDonald's in case I really went in the wrong direction. He didn't seem to be humored. I don't know why.

That night, I felt a tinge of bitterness creeping up on me. Before I continue, let me clarify that this has nothing to do with the couple in the backseat. It feels great to be able to make a positive difference to a lovely evening. It's just me.

Just imagine one really beautiful evening you step out into the open and see, hear and feel this atmosphere of love surrounding you and then you wonder why you feel so out of place.

That's what I felt.

so i end up talking about school yet again

2008-02-14T16:59:00.004+08:00

Today I shall attempt to blog with no prior topic in mind. At this present moment, I am only thinking of the next word I shall put down because simply, I just feel like writing.

I love writing.

Oh rather, should I say, I love typing down my thoughts. You could say that's probably called blogging. Look at the 3 word sentence making up the previous paragraph. I tell my students sometimes to use short sentences that are to the point to create an impact. I hope that did.

Speaking of students, sometimes I look at them and wonder what's running through their mind when I teach them. Why do they look so 'dead'? Why can't they just follow instructions sometimes? Perhaps it's the time of the day. I've been told the time of the day when you enter the classroom makes a significant difference to the behaviour and patience of these youngsters.

That's why sometimes I prefer my lessons to be in the early morning, where they are easier to manage, probably because two hours ago, they were still tucked in bed.

And then there are those who cast glances at me and giggle. Inaudible chatter follows. Things like these only happen for two reasons. They think you're cute or they are simply gossiping about something you probably shouldn't hear. Since it can't possibly be the former, I will hence instinctively check if my fly is undone (with much discretion of course) or pretend to scratch my upper lip to see if I had left anything unsightly behind when I was picking my nose earlier.

When I look at my students, I'll try to recall what I was like 5 or 6 years ago when I was in the exact same situation. What was going through my mind then? How have I changed for the past 6 years? I really cannot imagine any significant differences. Probably, I think more now. Much more. I guess thinking makes you grow. Sometimes, I wonder how much more mature I am compared to these young upstarts that I'm responsible for.

Oh. And isn't Valentine's Day today? How amazingly insightful the love in the air has made me..Don't you feel it already? It's one of the most commercialized days in the year. Probably I should just go out and get some flowers, just for the sake of it.

i see clearer like wearing new specs

2008-02-11T00:58:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we do get confused over the next step we should take in our lives. At this moment in time, there are so many things running through my mind. Or what my students would say in descriptive writing, running like a hungry lion chasing the poor deer.

Ok, so that was a pretty lame example. But I do get stuff like that in the course of my marking.

Anyway, I was saying that I've been thinking a lot recently. Recently as in the past week, the long holiday but significantly more in the last 20 hours. Well, it seems that there is simply so much untapped potential I could harness, so many resources I could jolly well access for the sake of a better future.

But sadly, I'm not doing anything much but sweating the small stuff all the time.

It just seems like my priorities in life have shifted quite a bit in the past month or so. Maybe it's the new year resolution syndrome kicking in or maybe it's so near Valentine's Day and there's this emo thing going on. Whatever it is, it just seems like there's this huge veil suddenly lifted from my eyes and this strange source of motivation starts kicking in from I don't know where.

But it feels good to have your vision cleared. Like peeling away dried green stuff at the corners of your eyes when you wake up in the morning (oh here we go again).

I guess this is one of those posts that only me can comprehend. The rest of you can just try to figure out what I'm babbling about.

I believe you

2008-02-10T01:46:00.000+08:00

Ok, so I've just finished 17 chapters of this book at one sitting. Who am I kidding? The chapters are pretty short. This book is titled 'I Believe You' and it's by local writer Low Kay Hwa. Thing is I read it online and the last 3 chapters are only made available in hard copy.

This is a love story about 2 youths in their junior college. It's not your regular sappy teenage i-have-a-crush-on-you type of story. Definitely more complex and thought provoking. Might be a tear jerker to some.

Here's the link:

http://www.goodybooks.com/ibelieveyou.htm

Do take some time to read it. One of the better short stories I've read in a while. It's apparently rather popular too, in its third print run. So I must be quite slow to only find out now.

Anyway, I should be expecting the book to arrive in my post within a week. Yeah, the only way to lay your hands on a hard copy is to order it online. I just had to.

that stretch of highway

2008-02-09T23:03:00.000+08:00

A real good way to enjoy music would be during a cool night, driving on a highway. With the windows down and the volume up, it would also be the time when you wish the ride had a retractable hood.

Bon jovi never sounded better when you're singing with the music, with the wind rushing in your face. For that moment, you hope that the kilometres of tarmac just wouldn't run out.

Perhaps that's a great way of getting into the song.

Today I heard a really beautiful and familiar piano piece. And it made me wonder how a melody with no words could invoke such forms of emotion and nostalgia. Maybe because this sort of music is supposed to make you feel dreamy. And when you're dreamy, you think of nice things. Oh well.

Finally got my road mix up. Compiled a list of songs I deemed fit for driving along to and burned it into a disc. On this island, we tend to run out of ground really easily. Music on the move needs to be picked wisely.

nothing gold can stay. can it?

2008-02-09T00:55:00.000+08:00

Most of my students would have come across this poem one time or another. It's in the literature text The Outsiders. This poem more or less carries the idea behind the story.

Nothing Gold Can Stay - Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

I'm still reading into the meaning of this poem. I get the gist of the underlying idea and it's amazing how something can make such sense and be so beautifully crafted.

now this sure took a while.

2008-02-07T21:26:00.000+08:00

"Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes, a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment... every part of it... will live on forever."

Many a time I'll look back at my life and wonder how things would be different if I made certain choices. And then I'll realise that half of the time I was paper chasing, going through the motions, just simply...living life as I should.

The other time in literature lesson, I was asking my students to share with me significant and memorable moments in their lives. Things that have changed their lives. I had actually wanted to hear their answers for myself. At the back of my head, I had went blank as I could not come up with any examples for myself.

Perhaps it's a good thing to realise this and probably things can be different. Perhaps moments like these really can be created and waited for. Will I be able to create these moments in the days to come? Can I make an impression?

Then just maybe the next time I stumble upon a One Tree Hill quote and decide to blog about it, I'll have at least something I can boast about or look back fondly on. And yes, it's about time I started on Season 4.

look, it's 3am.

2008-02-07T02:41:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I hope I can freeze a certain memory of an individual. The certain piece of someone that I would always want to remember him or her by. It could be the dazzling smile or the conversation shared.

It would be good if we could also retrieve these bits and pieces whenever we wished. And nothing else could tarnish those bits of perfection. Everyone will be rosy.

Beautiful moments we wish to keep are the ones that are fleeting and far in between. Do we create them or wait for them to happen?

the story so far

2008-02-06T22:47:00.000+08:00

Guess I haven't blogged in about slightly over a month. That's a long time in blog years. Have been teaching in Chung Cheng for the past month and for the 1st week of February. It's an amazing experience so far and I'm enjoying every moment of it.

I have two Secondary 3 classes and three secondary 2 classes. Some classes I always look forward to going, some classes require a bit of prior mental preparation. But in the end, all things end really well. No matter how the lesson goes, at the end of the day, there's still this tinge of satisfaction.

Sometimes, I don't really feel like a teacher. I'm only about 5 or 6 years older than them. Maybe 6 years is a long time, I don't know. But at least I don't feel very old in the classroom.

I never really expected to enjoy a teaching job so much. I've told myself once or twice in the past month or so that I'll continue with this job until my term ends no matter what kind of difficulty I face. The workload I face might be crazy sometimes but guess this is all part of the job.

There are moments in my life I hope can last as long as I want them to. This is one experience I wish I could extend.

first day of work tomorrow

2008-01-03T00:20:00.000+08:00

Busy studying for my exams lately. So didn't have time to blog. I had my Business Management exam today..and it had indeed been a long time since I felt that 'familiar' wave of panic I felt whenever I did a Physics exam.

Things that I studied didn't turn up much, while those I mere browsed through came out in different variations. But I guess I still managed to smoke through..one thing for certain, I can't get an A for this module like the rest, but I'll be glad if I just pass. The next exam to look out for is accounting and after that, I'm done with this diploma.

I was supposed to report to work today but because of the exam, I only had to report tomorrow. I'm a tad nervous about having to teach in front of a class of 14 and 15 year olds. The responsibility is rather heavy as I'm guiding them for almost half a year, not one or two days.

Well..have some time before my first lesson starts tomorrow. Didn't have much time to look through the necessary preparation recently, all my time went to studying.

Someone guide me on factual reports!

8 long years

2007-12-22T00:48:00.000+08:00

Haven't blogged in ages.

Just came back from my primary school gathering. The experience was great. It has been 8 long years since we left primary school and seeing each other again was like going back to the good old days.

Everyone was doing well. We were the cream of the batch back then, and I wasn't half surprised of how well everyone had done and how much potential each and everyone of us has at this point of time. It was a casual gathering and we were also reunited with our then form teacher. Honestly, I was pretty disappointed she forgot my name, given I used to be the head prefect. Well, afterall it has been 8 long years.

I kept feeling how surreal it was to be there with people you haven't seen in ages, and I can't help but wonder when would be the next time we would see such a gathering again. It was a good piece of memory to treasure though. =)

the outsiders

2007-12-07T23:24:00.000+08:00

Really don't have much to blog about recently. I think I forgot to state that I'll be teaching in Chung Cheng High School Main. Secondary 3 english and Secondary 2 English Literature.

The book I've been given is 'The Outsiders', some book about a bunch of youths living in 60s or 70s America trying to cope with social discrimination, family violence, fights, deaths and how they bond together in times of adversity.

The story is being told through the eyes of a 14 year old boy and how his views of life change as things around him affect him one way or another. I've read about 5 chapters of the book and it's really getting interesting although I've read the overview of the story online before I started. Probably read more before I go to sleep later.

I'm also looking for its movie version as it's a print to screen. But it's kinda an old movie so I haven't really being able to find it.

Oh ok, logging off. Hopefully when I start work I'll have more interesting things to blog about.

i quit apple

2007-11-30T23:24:00.000+08:00

Ok, so I worked in Apple for a grand total of 2 days and I quit on the morning of the 3rd. It was way too tough and the returns were terrible. Imagine starting work at 11am and you have to stand all the way from then to 930pm, repeating the same information over and over again until your jaws hurt. There was not really a lunch break. Well, if you consider sitting on cardboard boxes in the storeroom eating packed lunch a break..

There was no fixed time for lunch. I had lunch at 4.30pm on the 2nd day and worked throughout dinner time all the way to 9 plus 10..in fact, I don't think they had dinner breaks at all. After that, you still had to do area cleaning. By the time I got home it was almost 11pm.

There was also no guarantee that you would sell anything (but of course!) and I sold nothing on the 2nd day, so I probably earned the base pay of $40. <--- what?!

I had actually intended to work until the end of December, then go for my relief teaching job, but I realised it was way too ridiculous to work all the way like that for 30 plus days..it was pure torture. C'mon, if at least the pay was higher or the welfare more humane I would have considered staying on.

I know money is hard to earn..but.. :(

It was tough for me calling the boss on the 3rd morning, although I wasn't bonded to any contract whatsoever(thank goodness), but I was still feeling a little guilty I hadn't lived up to my initial enthusiasm. I don't think I'll call back and ask for my pay...it's kinda awkward.

Anyways, I've been given a book to read for I'll be teaching literature next year for a semester. It's called 'The Outsiders'.. I haven't touched a book in ages..and now I'm barely past the 2nd chapter..Oops. Gotta hurry and make notes too.

Oh well. Nothing more to rant about for now, better do some reading before i go to sleep.

a big change in situation

2007-11-22T23:50:00.000+08:00

Just 1 week ago I was slacking around the house, with nothing to do in particular, besides surfing car forums and randomly applying for different jobs, wondering why time appeared to pass soo slowly.

Tomorrow, I will be reporting to Apple at Parkway Parade as a sales staff. Well, I may end up not working there at all, considering the sudden change of plans which I only found out this afternoon.

It all started on Sunday, where I saw the recruitment ad outside the yet to be opened Apple store at Parkway. I figured, hey wouldn't it be cool to be selling ipods and imacs..The next day I called the number and was told to go down to the Apple store at Funan to fill up an application form. That very day I made a trip down to fill up the form, and was told the interview was on the day itself.

I was not really mentally prepared, and definitely not dressed for the occasion (bermudas and army sandals) but decided to go for it anyway. The interview turned out pretty fine, although I was clearly stumbled when he asked me if I had any experience in sales or any tech knowledge in computers and such.

I had never touched an apple computer in my life nor used an Ipod mp3. I wasn't exactly a gadget geek either and all I could rely on was 'how i was willing to learn'..I was quite surprised the interview went positively went he told me he could give me a basic pay of $1000 (I quoted $700 based on my lack of experience and skill) and said he wanted me to work at Funan first to gain experience before sending me to Parkway.

The next day I received a phone call saying I could report to work as early as yesterday. I initially agreed but realised I still had other stuff to settle so I requested the change to Friday. And I was told to report to the new Parkway outlet directly. All the while I actually thought I had to work in Funan for about a month or so before going over. Apparently, it was 2 days not a month.

It seemed rather exciting to be working in the place I'm so familiar with. But subsequently doubt set in. I had no knowlege at all on Apple products and I knew that I would make a terrible salesman. In fact I applied for this position as a form of 'training' on my communication skills and also to boost my confidence. These 2 days I convinced myself that I'm going in for the training and it'll be cool to work for the company which produces the world's best selling mp3s and funky looking computers. But the uncertainty and lack of knowlege of what would happen on the actual day itself sometimes made me think twice.

Well. This afternoon I received an email from the English head of CCHSM asking me to give her a call. She told me she had a vacancy for an english teacher and was keen on letting me fill the role. I agreed on the phone. It was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. Although I was thoroughly trying to convince myself on the Apple job all along, this job was way better in terms of too many aspects. In fact, relief teaching was the first thought on my mind when I was thinking of a job.

The apple job came way too fast and I realised I had rushed into it without knowing what I really wanted. True, it would be good training since I'll be plunged into a totally new environment and situation altogether, but I just couldn't convince myself that I will be totally comfortable in such a role. This teaching job came along as somewhat of a helpline.

So it's up to me tomorrow to find out more about the terms and conditions of the sales job. If they required a one month advance notice on resignation and there was no such thing as working 1 month part time, then bye bye Apple.

don't be tempted to spend

2007-11-13T21:03:00.000+08:00

I haven't blogged in ages..

And so it's like 1 week after my ord..but it seems like time is crawling by ever so slowly. I think it's partly because I haven't found a job and for the past week I've been lazing around. I suddenly feel so useless. :(

I am always so tempted to spend on my car. This is so bad. I really should be watching my spending, especially when now cash flow in my family wasn't as much as about a month ago. And I haven't got a stable salary yet.

Hence I promise myself that the last mod I'm ever going to do is the arb. After that, that's all. No more car modding. I've spent too much. I really really got to appreciate what I have. Because it's a privilege, not a necessity. I believe I have said something like this before.

Will place less emphasis on cars from now on and concentrate on getting a job then doing well in the job.

These few days I have been staying up real late. No particular reason to. I just stay up to use the internet, which means that I've been sacrificing sleep doing nothing important in particular. With my TV now at the repair centre, I probably have no reason to sleep late.

Quite the mindless surfing and go sleep. My left eye is red. :(

3 more work days

2007-10-31T12:11:00.000+08:00

Just called up several schools to register for relief teaching. I just hope that I'll be able to keep this relief teaching job at least for half a year, just before I enter NUS.

Well..I guess it's 3 working days left in the army for me. Had a long break from Friday until now, going back to camp tomorrow and on Friday. Then following Monday would be i/c collection and it'll be back to civilian life.

It sounds pretty damn good to leave army. Although my army life is much less demanding than most units you can think of, it still feels good to be freed of the regiments and schedules you must die-die follow. However, other than being under the system, everything else about my vocation was great. And I think I'll miss the days and the camp itself, the afternoon breaks at the canteen and all the talk cok sessions in the evenings. Heh.

I would say it's 3 days more before I leave the comfort zone and out into the real world, away from the shelter in the camp. Suddenly so many possibilites open up, so much time awaiting to be spent, so many things I can do and so many places I can go.

It's a rather overwhelming thought.

so i got my manual license

2007-10-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

And so I got my Class 3 manual license on the 10th October, after being confined to an auto license for almost a year.

It was probably one of the worst decisions I have made in my life so far, to get a 3A license instead of a Class 3. It resulted in months of regret and uncertainty on whether to retake a manual license.

I realised that only being able to drive cars with 2 pedals was restrictive and I did not consider it a skill at all. Well, I don't even understand why I did not consider that in the first place. Probably I thought auto was easier and more straightforward. In the end, I went for private manual driving lessons in another attempt to get that coverted driving license as I didn't want to regret any longer.

Unlike my auto license which was sponsored by my parents, this one came entirely from my bank account. So I could actually feel the pinch whenever I had to withdraw money to pay for each lesson.

Anyway, manual driving was really fun once you got the hang of clutch control and changing gears. I kinda enjoyed my driving lessons really. But when the test date neared, it got more stressful rather than fun.

I had wanted to pass badly, although I could already drive around and actually take manual driving as a 'stress free' activity. I did not want to wait a few more months as I knew how agonising the wait could be. I also wasn't ready to fork out an average of 50 bucks per lesson for several more sessions. Not wanting to go through the trauma of yet another driving test was another reason.

I also had been driving on the road almost everyday for about a year, and if I still failed despite all that road experience, then perhaps I could be considered a rather lousy gear shifter. Heh.

Well. At least I set out to rectify the error in judgement I had made a year ago. And I am pretty happy I decided to start out learning driving again before I started regretting in future when I might be too busy to retake.

At least one thing has been settled before ord. One less thing to brood over.

broody

2007-10-06T22:49:00.000+08:00

Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.

I tend to think about stuff too much. I ponder about the things I've done or said which I felt I shouldn't have or start worrying about certain things that I'm about to do because I'm afraid I wouldn't perform up to my expectations. It seems like I'm always judging myself and it feels like something's missing if I didn't worry.

That's why sometimes people see me as quiet because I'm just basically sitting there brooding. I really should be indulging in the present and making the most out of it. If not I'm going to end up regretting in the future not doing this and that and start brooding all over again.

Going to leave the army in about a month's time, don't know if it's too late to start looking for a job. It's rather strange. I've always planned to look for a job after my army but now when the opportunity is nearing, I'm starting to feel lazy again. Oh well.

i wonder how she is now

2007-09-26T01:00:00.000+08:00

Let me tell you more about this girl I know.

She is pretty, active, intelligent and was one of the more unique personalities I have known. We knew each other, I think, somewhere in the middle of the first year of junior college. We went to school together almost everyday for most of the second year and did things together rather often like attend guitar lessons or sometimes study sessions.

I liked her. But there was always this barrier in between us which I felt. I asked her out a couple of times. Caught several movies, had a couple of dinners together. So many times we hanged out, so many times I felt we couldn't really communicate. We could talk. But I wasn't comfortable. Awkward moments of silences were somewhat frequent, and that wasn't the best feeling in the world.

Somehow, I felt the distance between us was because my feelings were getting in the way. Probably was self conscious of my actions and words and couldn't overcome that. But everytime she was not around, I would secretly miss her. Many a times I wanted to tell her how I felt about her exactly, but it would be silly if I wasn't totally comfortable with her yet. For her birthdays, I would take the effort to shop for her present, hoping to surprise her at her doorstep, and budget was one of the last things on my mind. For 2 years, she forgot mine. Not even an sms. Made me wonder if I was wasting time, but somehow I still remained hopeful. Not too sure why either.

I always tried to break the barrier, tried to open up. But I realised it was beyond conversation. There had to be some form of connection but it didn't exist. Even we spent the whole night engaging in conversation, it would be useless if there wasn't anything else to link us other than the words coming out of our mouths.

But then again, I wouldn't have dared to bare my feelings for fear that our present relationship would be compromised. So I continued to try to break down at that invisible wall, hoping that someday I would be confident enough about my feelings for her.

That didn't happen. Because somewhere down the line, she became really busy after she entered university and the last time I saw her, which was a couple of months ago, was probably the last time I tried to bridge the gap. Someone told me not to waste my time, since she wasn't interested just let it go.

Who am I to think that I could break down any form of barrier especially after I've never contacted her after so long. She's probably moved on with university life, a whole new circle of friends and new activites, and here am I trying to salvage something so distant, probably something that I knew wasn't there all along but stubbornly believed so.

Oh well, I gotta sleep now. It's always great to put your thoughts down in words. Kinda puts things in perspective.

a ranting session

2007-09-24T23:12:00.000+08:00

I know of 2 brothers who stay at the other end of the corridor. One is older while the other younger than me. Both always seem so accomplished and there is always this sense of envy whenever I see them.

The older brother is in NTU. He was an army officer in the commandos. The younger one is in the Singapore Sports School playing table tennis. Recently my dad commented that he had started playing golf. Both look much stronger, fitter and taller than me. And they seem to lead such vigorous, active lifestyles ever since I knew them..I remember they were quite enthusiastic in cycling, rollerblading and such.

Compared to them, I always seemed to be the plump, inactive guy. It made me wonder if I'm just average. Of course, it's not right to compare to them like this..but it just seems that I might just fade into the background if I stood beside them.

I think I'm too lucky. I'm not outstanding in terms of studies and other activites yet I can drive a car. Again it is unfair to compare like this but I almost seem to be the underachieving spoilt brat of the block beside them.

Sometimes I regret not getting really good at something. Then maybe I'll have some skill to be proud of and not look so meagre next to them.

Oh well...this post probably didn't make any sense at all. Why am I judging myself like that?

6 billion souls

2007-09-23T00:47:00.000+08:00

At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one.