ic.

I am apparently not very good at concealing my feelings, at least not as well as I thought I could. Anyway I realised over this week that I wasn't that very excited about commitment, and I didn't want to proceed with doubt.

It took me a while to be free from my past shadows and freedom was sweet as a whole lot of new possibilities open up before you. I think I still need some more time, as I had picked up a few lessons from the past and needed to reflect on them before I render myself vulnerable once again.

I guess I used to yearn the prospect of company, where someone will always be there caring for you, but now I don't. Not yet..but am definitely over my past..It was a little bit of 'What were you thinking' on my part.

Ok back to study.

squareone.

So I guess it's back to square one.

Another lesson learnt I suppose..Life isn't as simple as just following your heart, but the doubts and worry are enough to keep you from going forward. Until I figure that out, I guess it would not be easy letting anyone else in again. The feeling of putting your heart out there is simply too beyond me presently, and I figure this sure needed a whole lot more of guts and reasoning.

I should be feeling more, but am kind of numb. I would choose to attribute this to the hardening from previous experiences and not the possibility of I turning absolutely mercenary and heartless.

I need to learn to follow my heart again truly, and at the moment it seems kinda daunting and I don't know how to proceed. Not having any thoughts as burden I feel freer, but at what cost...? I feel more comfortable being cynical.

Until I figure out myself, I very much prefer to be alone.

ok

Booked a new car last weekend. Will only be here in January, but I guess the process of looking foward feels good too.

Speaking of looking forward, I've decided to look forward and never looked back since. It's been a great feeling as well taking control once again and anticipating new chapters in my life.

I used to wonder how things could have turned out differently if I did not have to go through all of these. The period after December had been terrible, but I never regretted going through all of it as I learned a lot about myself.

Things are different now. I am not bitter anymore as I realise there's no result to it. Freeing your mind really makes you aware of the beauty of the things around you that you have been neglecting in all the bitterness.

=)

optimism

I'm glad I went ahead with my decision to follow my heart. Afterall, I couldn't take a chance on my happiness.

I don't know how exactly things went, and I wouldn't know what it would be like in the future. I'm just glad I did not let my fear and pessimism get to me like how it had did for the past few months. I feel liberated and I feel as though I have the courage to embrace all possibilites and new chapters that might come my way.

My friends had been right from the start. All I needed was time to finally understand them.

i understand myself a little more

I wonder if I should really follow my heart this time round. Quite afraid that I would make the same old mistakes that I have made in the past. My friend told me though that I shouldn't stop eating fish just because I had choked in the past. Pretty true..and I can say I have become too rational for my own good.

i know this feeling i think

It's just all too familiar. It almost seems possible, yet I am afraid of making the same old mistake again. The past experience had caused me to lose faith in following my instincts, and this time I wonder if I was using too much of my brain.

I wasn't the person who would let any good opportunity slip but as much as I wish to start a new chapter in my life, there seemed to be too much holding me back.

I need a sign.

in the balance

Getting hungry at times like these made me go out and get a McChicken, and now that I'm in not much mood to continue studying, I decided to blog.

I finally met her today. It had been a while and I was actually feeling jittery beforehand because I was apprehensive on what it would be like. As much as I wanted very much to see her, I was afraid it would be awkward. Well it wasn't, and I was glad it turned out fine.

I guess this time round I managed to say what I had wanted to say, and what had been bothering me all this while. I guess the best way is to face the whole issue itself, and only by laying all the cards on the table will one be able to decide the next move.

It also dawned on me that I had lost something. I had forgotten what it was like to be completely free from having your heart and emotions getting bounded to someone. Love just sucks you in, and it takes a while to lose it, even then there'll be still some left over, never going away.

I never regretted it once though. Being with her had been one of the happiest times of my life, and I would give anything to relive it.