ic.

I am apparently not very good at concealing my feelings, at least not as well as I thought I could. Anyway I realised over this week that I wasn't that very excited about commitment, and I didn't want to proceed with doubt.

It took me a while to be free from my past shadows and freedom was sweet as a whole lot of new possibilities open up before you. I think I still need some more time, as I had picked up a few lessons from the past and needed to reflect on them before I render myself vulnerable once again.

I guess I used to yearn the prospect of company, where someone will always be there caring for you, but now I don't. Not yet..but am definitely over my past..It was a little bit of 'What were you thinking' on my part.

Ok back to study.

squareone.

So I guess it's back to square one.

Another lesson learnt I suppose..Life isn't as simple as just following your heart, but the doubts and worry are enough to keep you from going forward. Until I figure that out, I guess it would not be easy letting anyone else in again. The feeling of putting your heart out there is simply too beyond me presently, and I figure this sure needed a whole lot more of guts and reasoning.

I should be feeling more, but am kind of numb. I would choose to attribute this to the hardening from previous experiences and not the possibility of I turning absolutely mercenary and heartless.

I need to learn to follow my heart again truly, and at the moment it seems kinda daunting and I don't know how to proceed. Not having any thoughts as burden I feel freer, but at what cost...? I feel more comfortable being cynical.

Until I figure out myself, I very much prefer to be alone.

ok

Booked a new car last weekend. Will only be here in January, but I guess the process of looking foward feels good too.

Speaking of looking forward, I've decided to look forward and never looked back since. It's been a great feeling as well taking control once again and anticipating new chapters in my life.

I used to wonder how things could have turned out differently if I did not have to go through all of these. The period after December had been terrible, but I never regretted going through all of it as I learned a lot about myself.

Things are different now. I am not bitter anymore as I realise there's no result to it. Freeing your mind really makes you aware of the beauty of the things around you that you have been neglecting in all the bitterness.

=)

optimism

I'm glad I went ahead with my decision to follow my heart. Afterall, I couldn't take a chance on my happiness.

I don't know how exactly things went, and I wouldn't know what it would be like in the future. I'm just glad I did not let my fear and pessimism get to me like how it had did for the past few months. I feel liberated and I feel as though I have the courage to embrace all possibilites and new chapters that might come my way.

My friends had been right from the start. All I needed was time to finally understand them.

i understand myself a little more

I wonder if I should really follow my heart this time round. Quite afraid that I would make the same old mistakes that I have made in the past. My friend told me though that I shouldn't stop eating fish just because I had choked in the past. Pretty true..and I can say I have become too rational for my own good.

i know this feeling i think

It's just all too familiar. It almost seems possible, yet I am afraid of making the same old mistake again. The past experience had caused me to lose faith in following my instincts, and this time I wonder if I was using too much of my brain.

I wasn't the person who would let any good opportunity slip but as much as I wish to start a new chapter in my life, there seemed to be too much holding me back.

I need a sign.

in the balance

Getting hungry at times like these made me go out and get a McChicken, and now that I'm in not much mood to continue studying, I decided to blog.

I finally met her today. It had been a while and I was actually feeling jittery beforehand because I was apprehensive on what it would be like. As much as I wanted very much to see her, I was afraid it would be awkward. Well it wasn't, and I was glad it turned out fine.

I guess this time round I managed to say what I had wanted to say, and what had been bothering me all this while. I guess the best way is to face the whole issue itself, and only by laying all the cards on the table will one be able to decide the next move.

It also dawned on me that I had lost something. I had forgotten what it was like to be completely free from having your heart and emotions getting bounded to someone. Love just sucks you in, and it takes a while to lose it, even then there'll be still some left over, never going away.

I never regretted it once though. Being with her had been one of the happiest times of my life, and I would give anything to relive it.

cycle.

Ice is the name of a dog. A dog I once kept. It was never a good decision to taking ownership of it, I had made a mistake back then and was compelled to find a better owner for him, and I did. I loved the dog but I had to let it go as we started to realise how little time we had for it.

She loved the dog too, much more than me in fact. I couldn't tell how much more, but it was obvious she loved it more. She blamed me for my mistake. I didn't have a choice though. I couldn't manage. Yes, it was bad judgement on my part and I regretted. Perhaps I had underestimated the impact of the action. I didn't want to admit that an animal could contribute to what was happening now, but perhaps it did play a role.

Maybe it was retribution. That I had made a bad decision adopting a dog and then going through the trauma of dealing with demands on both sides and being labelled irresponsible. Again, people had to be hurt because of a wrong choice. Probably I had paid for it, and the same thing happened to me.

I figure people normally had to give up things once close to them to make way for certain aspects of their life, so they could live with greater freedom without burden or responsibility, but this not necessarily bringing with it happiness. It happened to Ice, and it happened to me.

Tell me that's life.

the date

Going out with someone so attractive is rather stressful, especially how all eyes seem to focus on her then drift to the guy beside her. It's just a date, but nothing else more. Not in my current situation.

I always had the impression that really pretty girls only look great with good looking guys, despite how almost everyone I know disputes it like crazy, boiling it down to my weird perspectives, suspiciously influenced by the media. Of course, we are not in primary school anymore, and looks probably play a secondary role in choosing a partner. It was only in those days when you say to an ugly girl you don't want to be her friend because she is ugly. Oh well, superficiality at its worst, but we were all too young. And kids are the most honest people in the world, no?

Anyway, she was a real stunner when she dolled up, and not just on the outside. She's a great person too. But I couldn't imagine myself dating her in a relationship. Firstly, she isn't available. Secondly, the words 'too pretty for me' kept popping up in my head. I figured out that as my confidence had steadily grown over these couple of years in other aspects in my life, I still can't figure why it takes a hit with pretty people. Maybe it's the theory of relativities when I walk next to her, or the constant pressure to look at least compatible.

Or maybe it's just the consequence of my past again, that is constantly hindering me in exploring possibilities in anyone else.

Afterall, I do know that I have what it takes, and it takes confidence to say that. And I know what I am capable of accomplishing. This shouldn't pose a problem to me, as long as I constantly believe in myself. Soon, I'll date pretty girls like her. Ha.

i need to think..

It is borderline irritating sometimes that as a new chapter beckons, your past repeatedly pops out to stop you from moving ahead. What do I want exactly? The future is tempting with new possibilities, yet there's a figment of something that's growing really old clinging on.

But isn't life about constantly moving ahead and discovering, and throwing aside things that seem to hold you back? People move on for their own sake, all in their best interest and even things that were once held dear to them will be shelved for the sake of living to the fullest. Sacrifices will always have to be made in order to achieve happiness, even if it means causing pain. Now that's life right? It's all about opportunity cost. Economics, it's that simple.

I am no longer bitter as there isn't a point compromising my psychological well being anymore. I've done so for 8 full months and I don't know how many body cells I have destroyed, how many opportunites I have shut out, and how much fuel I have wasted flooring my car pedal, attempting to flush my troubles out of my head.

I also feel guilty towards my parents, who can read me like a book and instantly tell that I was troubled. I kept everything from them and refused to share, because my mom, especially will be worried. It was probably due to the inherent fear and more or less expected 'rational' advice from my mom, which was probably going to be the best advice I could hear, but also likely to be the most painful. I didn't want that, as I felt that I could continue living in hope. She probably noticed that I was quieter, and she had to ask.

I need all the affirmation I can get, to get me up and moving. I am afraid of letting go, as it's something am not sure if I will regret in future. Yet even holding on to just a bit is enough to cause pain and apprehension. I once thought I could live with it, but am no so sure now.

-

I just felt like blogging again.

After almost a 2 month hiatus, I just felt like putting down my thoughts in words again. It feels good. However, given my busy schedule, it'll be fantastic if I actually found the time to reflect and ramble.

I guessed I have recovered enough to start putting things down in an earnest manner, and hope this time round I don't go lying to myself again. My hairdresser had told my best friend (we share the same hairdresser) that I looked like I was deeply troubled whenever she saw me. I expressed surprise, because I thought I was pretty good at concealing my feelings. But no, hairdressers talk to all sorts of people, they can tell, as put across by Howard. I'm impressed.

I think am more or less done with my situation. How long has it been? 8? 9 months? I've been on this rollercoaster of emotions for far too long, and painful as it might be, I have to suck it up and move on. I thought I had made a decision months back, but I don't know if I had been totally truthful. I greatly appreciate the company of my friends though, and I tell myself this time, if not for myself, I've got to do it for them too. They had my best interests at heart and still have. I should place bigger value on their judgement.

I guess the most painful thing is carrying false hope, and hoping it might somehow materialise again someday, even though all signs urge you to go in the other direction. And then, things happen and you blame yourself being stupid for having lofty ideas...but the next moment you build up false hope once again.

I'll probably spend the time building up faith in placing my heart out there again. Who knew it had to be this difficult..I gave myself too many chances to believe, but I think I had enough.

...

Sometimes I don't know why I do or say certain things that eventually make me regret or feel like crap, 2 things I never ever want to go through.

For goodness sake's, I don't even know what I want right now, which leads me to such crap I'm doing to get by. I need to focus on the big picture, and work toward happiness. Sometimes I feel I should just be some heartless bloke, at least things would be so much easier.

Do I actually know what I want. Heck no. And this floating in the middle of nowhere is killing me. I wish time stood still to let me halt and think. But no, life goes on and things keep changing.

it's good

Have been really busy playing nowadays. It's really great hanging out with close friends and getting to know them better.

Yesterday was especially fruitful, having piano lessons in the morning and then staying through the day, helping out on some cooking and dining together later on. It actually made me slightly more interested in cooking as it didn't seem as tough as I made it out to be. Hmm. I guess it's actually much easier if there are several chefs instead of one, which also makes it more fun when we cook together.

Caught 'The Transformers' near midnight and nearly fell asleep near the end. Having dozed off on the first one, I had to fight the urge as my eyes were already half closed..Fortunately I didn't and made it till the end.

I had never appreciated the presence of friends so much ever before as their company and conversation really did make me happier and probably gave me some new perspectives which I greatly needed. =)

i'm back

Sorry for the lack of updates...

Have been really busy recently with rehearsals and piano lessons. Had to spend the weekend picking and practising a song that I was supposed to perform tomorrow morning at some Korean Uni Exchange thing with NUS. It was kinda a last minute thingey because nothing was really confirmed until about Friday or so. And apparently I was the only one who signed up to sing so I had to do 2 songs. Later, I had found out that KO was singing too so I was left to focus on one song, which was a good thing.

I will be singing 祝我生日快乐 tomorrow. Love the melody and the lyrics and I hope I can do a good job. I'm glad the BBQ managed to 'lubricate' my vocal chords and throat.

Also on the 27th, I will be performing at Ngee Ann City for Shine 2009. Not sure of the time and exact location yet, but I will be doing a solo and a duet, namely 说好的幸福呢 and 传说. Only 2 rehearsals with the instrumentalists before the real thing, steep learning curve as always. We need to pick out our mistakes fast enough and improve quickly.

Ok I guess I will go to sleep earlier tonight. I need the rest so I will be in the best shape to sing well tomorrow. Wish me luck and I hope I really don't forget the lyrics...

what i have been doing

Haven't been updating this blog for a while because I have been spending my time doing up another one that is related to the equity investment I'm making. Nothing much actually, just an avenue to record and review some information that I have read. Beats doing newspaper cuttings or making notes.

http://myinvestorinfo.blogspot.com

okayy.

I've promised to take a step back and just carry on with life as usual. It's better for the both of us. It took me so long to realise that you are right and I guess I'll have to have that faith to rely on fate this time.

Though I'm not expressing it, deep down inside I really want to let you know I'm always there for you.

Ok. good night!

reasoning

Before retiring for bed last night, I spotted a huge moth on the mattress. Feeling too sleepy to do anything and not wanting to disturb nature, I plonked down in the foldable chair I had, with just a pillow by my side and tried to sleep.

Which resulted in a not particularly spectacular night of rest as I struggled to find a comfortable position on the stiff canvas like material.

Spent today helping about the house, clearing up after the renovation and putting things back into place. Also caught up with some rest from the night before. By the way, the moth had died the next morning. Hmm.

Recently, I've been full of reason. Reasonable enough to stop with all the silly doubts, yet my emotions keep getting the better of me. One moment I'm in control, the next I'm overcome with the flurry of emotions that get the better of me.

It's not a really good time I'm facing now. Yet, I know I'm fully capable of handling it. Probably I'm choosing not to, because I'm still wondering which is the best path to take now. There seems to be only a direction, but how do I approach it I'm not sure. I need some help here.

There is this big urge to let her know how I feel, although it probably would end up to nothing. I don't even know what she is thinking now, and I surely can't tell. She seems almost passive and that kinda worries me. I regret the fact that I didn't try hard enough to make her stay, although it probably won't work..but I feel I could have done more.

v short post

It seems that there is this huge urge to sing, make music and listen to them. It's something about music that releases me from the doubts I have and puts me in some sort of comfort zone.

I don't think I have much to say tonight. I'm very tired.

oh ok.

Have been attempting to clear my mind these few days. Getting busy, distracted, occupied, spending time alone to straighten my thoughts.

Have been spending my mornings jogging at Tanjong Rhu and driving around with no apparent destination in mind, and it all seem rather effective in ironing things out. Learning to play the piano again after so many years, and it feels really good to be making some form of music. The way it fills my ears, the house, surely livens the mind and surrounding. It's probably one of the things that links me to you as well, though I haven't really heard u play much. One day I shall play a piece for you. By then, it shouldn't sound like crap.

Tonight should be a relatively early night for me. Going to wake up tomorrow for a run before joining my folks for breakfast.

i don't feel like sleeping

I guess this break is absolutely necessary. Though I've been fighting the urge to sms or msn, I sincerely wish from the bottom of my heart that you are doing well and happy. Words can't describe the longing I have to take you out for breakfast again.

Even if I had to do it all over again, I would. I'll be there when you are ready.