I felt like I had wanted to be alone, so I left my friends and proceeded to the library.
At this point, I just feel like putting everything behind me and take off, leaving in the dust, all the expectations people have of me and the ones I have set for myself. I'm no stranger to this feeling. It is just high pressurising. I fear the thought of being average and this fear bugs me to no end. Yet, I'm not so sure if I have the capability to sustain anything at all.
I really feel like getting into the car, drive to the nearest highway and just floor the accelerator, letting the rush of andrenaline take me over. I need to be alone.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
i passed a stone on the pavement.
Gosh am sick. Started out with a rather bad dry cough and now it's a flu. This time it feels really odd. I hope I don't catch a fever or something.
It must be the late nights, early morning jogs and a lack of water. Certainly taking a toll on me. My head was throbbing at noon, so I went to sleep and am feeling slightly better presently. But am just not in the mood for work.
Speaking of which, I believe I made some good progress for my Grammaticalization paper yesterday. I meant to return to school library in the afternoon but I didn't go eventually cos I was feeling terrible. Perhaps tonight I really need to fight the temptation to stay up late.
Anyway, on the emotional front, I've been trying to forget the past and freaking move on. To no avail however. Moving on is apparently better for me they say, but I just can't. I'm sick of blogging about it and talking to people about it (am sure they are sick of listening too) so I'll probably do the same old thing and just keep it within me from now on. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore.
One day I'll somehow tumble out of the darkness.
It must be the late nights, early morning jogs and a lack of water. Certainly taking a toll on me. My head was throbbing at noon, so I went to sleep and am feeling slightly better presently. But am just not in the mood for work.
Speaking of which, I believe I made some good progress for my Grammaticalization paper yesterday. I meant to return to school library in the afternoon but I didn't go eventually cos I was feeling terrible. Perhaps tonight I really need to fight the temptation to stay up late.
Anyway, on the emotional front, I've been trying to forget the past and freaking move on. To no avail however. Moving on is apparently better for me they say, but I just can't. I'm sick of blogging about it and talking to people about it (am sure they are sick of listening too) so I'll probably do the same old thing and just keep it within me from now on. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore.
One day I'll somehow tumble out of the darkness.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
i am hip. so are you.
It is not until I went for some serious shopping to revamp my wardrobe that I realised it wasn't exactly a phenomenal task to look decently fashionable. What I had bought recently made everything else in my wardrobe seem wildly ancient, and cast some serious doubts on my fashion 'sense' that I had all this while.
No wonder people say I look 25. Probably some effort is needed here.
I need help. Someone with a sound fashion sense needs to be a 2nd opinion when I do go shopping. If not I'll end up wasting money on nonsense with my kooky view on what's hip.
No wonder people say I look 25. Probably some effort is needed here.
I need help. Someone with a sound fashion sense needs to be a 2nd opinion when I do go shopping. If not I'll end up wasting money on nonsense with my kooky view on what's hip.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
i feel like eating ice cream now. how
Just spent the whole of Friday night/early Saturday morning hanging out with friends. I am beginning to enjoy these late nights out as the company and conversation really do reach out to me in a fuzzy manner. Maybe the still of the night is the best time for gaining new insights.
Driving home along ECP at 5am was torturous though. I was very much awake, but mentally strained and losing focus. Pretty dangerous, but was still quite in control. Fortunately.
Woke up at 12pm and went back to bed at 4pm. I'm starting to suspect that is not how much you sleep, but how late you sleep that affects you. Even right now am feeling a little sleepy. Not too good for my Grammaticalisation paper. Really need to get back that mugger motivation I had just a couple of weeks ago.
Anyway, Thursday's party was a blast. Though I felt my performances weren't up to expectations, I'm glad I got some pretty positive feedback for them. I wonder when's the next performance. All these is getting pretty addictive.
I need my fix. Fast.
Driving home along ECP at 5am was torturous though. I was very much awake, but mentally strained and losing focus. Pretty dangerous, but was still quite in control. Fortunately.
Woke up at 12pm and went back to bed at 4pm. I'm starting to suspect that is not how much you sleep, but how late you sleep that affects you. Even right now am feeling a little sleepy. Not too good for my Grammaticalisation paper. Really need to get back that mugger motivation I had just a couple of weeks ago.
Anyway, Thursday's party was a blast. Though I felt my performances weren't up to expectations, I'm glad I got some pretty positive feedback for them. I wonder when's the next performance. All these is getting pretty addictive.
I need my fix. Fast.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
i can multi task so can you
The art of multi-tasking, something ingrained in all Arts students I suppose. Presently, I am blogging, chatting on MSN, studying live shows on youtube and doing my first draft for the English project. In the background, the sounds and chatter of the Channel 8 drama re-runs are muffled through my earphones.
I am pretty much psyching myself up for the performance tomorrow. It isn't as big as Emerge, but am pretty much determined to sing my best as usual. It's pretty frustrating sometimes..no matter how much effort you put in, sometimes the performance just lacks the 'oohm' and you get outshined by some other charismatic, quirky performances that somehow reach out more to the audience.
It sucks really, when expectations really fall short. I can't blame anyone though, everyone out there is probably putting in as much effort, if not more than me. I've only got myself to rely on. All I got to do is to keep doing it, loving it and make sure it is at least all I could do.
Oh well...wardrobe is now an issue too. The theme is 'masquerade', I've got a silver mask, and I've got to channel attitude, retro, rock and emo in 4 rather different performances. Can I do it in one outfit?
I am pretty much psyching myself up for the performance tomorrow. It isn't as big as Emerge, but am pretty much determined to sing my best as usual. It's pretty frustrating sometimes..no matter how much effort you put in, sometimes the performance just lacks the 'oohm' and you get outshined by some other charismatic, quirky performances that somehow reach out more to the audience.
It sucks really, when expectations really fall short. I can't blame anyone though, everyone out there is probably putting in as much effort, if not more than me. I've only got myself to rely on. All I got to do is to keep doing it, loving it and make sure it is at least all I could do.
Oh well...wardrobe is now an issue too. The theme is 'masquerade', I've got a silver mask, and I've got to channel attitude, retro, rock and emo in 4 rather different performances. Can I do it in one outfit?
Sunday, March 8, 2009
blog first do later
The only high point of the week was probably rehearsing with the band on Friday evening. There will be rehearsals tomorrow as well, which will be cool, but I hope my voice won't be too affected for my presentation on Monday.
Friday was scary because my throat started to hurt from all the singing and through a few rounds of Dani California I felt as though my voice was giving way. I couldn't recall having that happen to me before. I figured I had just barely recovered from a dry cough and all the practices didn't tickle my throat any less.
Tomorrow will definitely be fun but straining. Better get my work for Monday done by morning as I forsee the possibility of staying back till late, which I should probably get used to by now.
Friday was scary because my throat started to hurt from all the singing and through a few rounds of Dani California I felt as though my voice was giving way. I couldn't recall having that happen to me before. I figured I had just barely recovered from a dry cough and all the practices didn't tickle my throat any less.
Tomorrow will definitely be fun but straining. Better get my work for Monday done by morning as I forsee the possibility of staying back till late, which I should probably get used to by now.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Living on perceptions = self pwn
A wise man once mumbled:
"How much does a person need to change himself? Or rather, how long would it take? I thought I had broken free from my past, become stronger and liberalised from my own fears and doubts. Apparently, I had just been riding on borrowed confidence and perceived achievements which really didn't amount to anything substantial. Yet, at this point, I feel so alone with no one to turn to, no one that can truly understand and give me direction. I already lost a big part of myself last December, and no matter how hard I try to deceive myself, I realise I'm still very badly affected. Everything I tried to do to keep myself distracted only kept the doubts accumulating. This is what I am fearing...and as most of me spins off course, I frantically search for some sort of anchor to keep me grounded before I veer into a nearby tree and damage the greenery"
"How much does a person need to change himself? Or rather, how long would it take? I thought I had broken free from my past, become stronger and liberalised from my own fears and doubts. Apparently, I had just been riding on borrowed confidence and perceived achievements which really didn't amount to anything substantial. Yet, at this point, I feel so alone with no one to turn to, no one that can truly understand and give me direction. I already lost a big part of myself last December, and no matter how hard I try to deceive myself, I realise I'm still very badly affected. Everything I tried to do to keep myself distracted only kept the doubts accumulating. This is what I am fearing...and as most of me spins off course, I frantically search for some sort of anchor to keep me grounded before I veer into a nearby tree and damage the greenery"
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