my printer is alive

I didn't remember having my power supply to the printer switched on that night. Somehow in the middle of the night I was awoken by the printer. It was doing the familiar 'clean up' which you would get everytime you flicked the switch at the power supply. Feeling sleepy and puzzled I got up and shut the damn thing down and then went back to sleep.

Crap. It's really scary. It's as if someone flicked the power on when I was in bed. Even if the switch had been on before, why would it just start 'cleaning' itself if it had been lying on standby.

i should be studying.

The only way to truly experience love is to give a 100%. Right? I probably thought so before. After what I've been through, I'm not sure if that should be the case at all. Is it always necessary to put yourself in the balance and be slightly vulnerable in order to fully experience it? Or do brains play a bigger role than one thinks?

I've probably lived by 'Love or not at all' for quite a while, and while I thought it was best to throw doubts out of the picture, what it led me to was massive, permanent hurt. It was not nice at all.

Yet, it almost seems unreal if one uses too much of judgement in life. I feel we were born to follow our hearts and the best way to live life is to do so and learn from any obstacles we might encounter from our decisions. That is life. We cannot expect everything to be done right the first time round. It is not Black/White simple.

By insisting to live by these principles I'll probably be in the crosshair of heartbreak. But is this the price needed to live life to your fullest? Over judgement does hold us back. Will we be really happy with our carefully weighted decisions in time to come? Or smile behind the heartbreak because you've done what you had truly wanted?

I'm not asking you to be brash. Certain decisions however, it's better off listening to the little voice inside your chest.

where are the good ol' days

I felt like I had wanted to be alone, so I left my friends and proceeded to the library.

At this point, I just feel like putting everything behind me and take off, leaving in the dust, all the expectations people have of me and the ones I have set for myself. I'm no stranger to this feeling. It is just high pressurising. I fear the thought of being average and this fear bugs me to no end. Yet, I'm not so sure if I have the capability to sustain anything at all.

I really feel like getting into the car, drive to the nearest highway and just floor the accelerator, letting the rush of andrenaline take me over. I need to be alone.

i passed a stone on the pavement.

Gosh am sick. Started out with a rather bad dry cough and now it's a flu. This time it feels really odd. I hope I don't catch a fever or something.

It must be the late nights, early morning jogs and a lack of water. Certainly taking a toll on me. My head was throbbing at noon, so I went to sleep and am feeling slightly better presently. But am just not in the mood for work.

Speaking of which, I believe I made some good progress for my Grammaticalization paper yesterday. I meant to return to school library in the afternoon but I didn't go eventually cos I was feeling terrible. Perhaps tonight I really need to fight the temptation to stay up late.

Anyway, on the emotional front, I've been trying to forget the past and freaking move on. To no avail however. Moving on is apparently better for me they say, but I just can't. I'm sick of blogging about it and talking to people about it (am sure they are sick of listening too) so I'll probably do the same old thing and just keep it within me from now on. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore.

One day I'll somehow tumble out of the darkness.

i am hip. so are you.

It is not until I went for some serious shopping to revamp my wardrobe that I realised it wasn't exactly a phenomenal task to look decently fashionable. What I had bought recently made everything else in my wardrobe seem wildly ancient, and cast some serious doubts on my fashion 'sense' that I had all this while.

No wonder people say I look 25. Probably some effort is needed here.

I need help. Someone with a sound fashion sense needs to be a 2nd opinion when I do go shopping. If not I'll end up wasting money on nonsense with my kooky view on what's hip.

i feel like eating ice cream now. how

Just spent the whole of Friday night/early Saturday morning hanging out with friends. I am beginning to enjoy these late nights out as the company and conversation really do reach out to me in a fuzzy manner. Maybe the still of the night is the best time for gaining new insights.

Driving home along ECP at 5am was torturous though. I was very much awake, but mentally strained and losing focus. Pretty dangerous, but was still quite in control. Fortunately.

Woke up at 12pm and went back to bed at 4pm. I'm starting to suspect that is not how much you sleep, but how late you sleep that affects you. Even right now am feeling a little sleepy. Not too good for my Grammaticalisation paper. Really need to get back that mugger motivation I had just a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, Thursday's party was a blast. Though I felt my performances weren't up to expectations, I'm glad I got some pretty positive feedback for them. I wonder when's the next performance. All these is getting pretty addictive.

I need my fix. Fast.

i can multi task so can you

The art of multi-tasking, something ingrained in all Arts students I suppose. Presently, I am blogging, chatting on MSN, studying live shows on youtube and doing my first draft for the English project. In the background, the sounds and chatter of the Channel 8 drama re-runs are muffled through my earphones.

I am pretty much psyching myself up for the performance tomorrow. It isn't as big as Emerge, but am pretty much determined to sing my best as usual. It's pretty frustrating sometimes..no matter how much effort you put in, sometimes the performance just lacks the 'oohm' and you get outshined by some other charismatic, quirky performances that somehow reach out more to the audience.

It sucks really, when expectations really fall short. I can't blame anyone though, everyone out there is probably putting in as much effort, if not more than me. I've only got myself to rely on. All I got to do is to keep doing it, loving it and make sure it is at least all I could do.

Oh well...wardrobe is now an issue too. The theme is 'masquerade', I've got a silver mask, and I've got to channel attitude, retro, rock and emo in 4 rather different performances. Can I do it in one outfit?