i need to think..

It is borderline irritating sometimes that as a new chapter beckons, your past repeatedly pops out to stop you from moving ahead. What do I want exactly? The future is tempting with new possibilities, yet there's a figment of something that's growing really old clinging on.

But isn't life about constantly moving ahead and discovering, and throwing aside things that seem to hold you back? People move on for their own sake, all in their best interest and even things that were once held dear to them will be shelved for the sake of living to the fullest. Sacrifices will always have to be made in order to achieve happiness, even if it means causing pain. Now that's life right? It's all about opportunity cost. Economics, it's that simple.

I am no longer bitter as there isn't a point compromising my psychological well being anymore. I've done so for 8 full months and I don't know how many body cells I have destroyed, how many opportunites I have shut out, and how much fuel I have wasted flooring my car pedal, attempting to flush my troubles out of my head.

I also feel guilty towards my parents, who can read me like a book and instantly tell that I was troubled. I kept everything from them and refused to share, because my mom, especially will be worried. It was probably due to the inherent fear and more or less expected 'rational' advice from my mom, which was probably going to be the best advice I could hear, but also likely to be the most painful. I didn't want that, as I felt that I could continue living in hope. She probably noticed that I was quieter, and she had to ask.

I need all the affirmation I can get, to get me up and moving. I am afraid of letting go, as it's something am not sure if I will regret in future. Yet even holding on to just a bit is enough to cause pain and apprehension. I once thought I could live with it, but am no so sure now.

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I just felt like blogging again.

After almost a 2 month hiatus, I just felt like putting down my thoughts in words again. It feels good. However, given my busy schedule, it'll be fantastic if I actually found the time to reflect and ramble.

I guessed I have recovered enough to start putting things down in an earnest manner, and hope this time round I don't go lying to myself again. My hairdresser had told my best friend (we share the same hairdresser) that I looked like I was deeply troubled whenever she saw me. I expressed surprise, because I thought I was pretty good at concealing my feelings. But no, hairdressers talk to all sorts of people, they can tell, as put across by Howard. I'm impressed.

I think am more or less done with my situation. How long has it been? 8? 9 months? I've been on this rollercoaster of emotions for far too long, and painful as it might be, I have to suck it up and move on. I thought I had made a decision months back, but I don't know if I had been totally truthful. I greatly appreciate the company of my friends though, and I tell myself this time, if not for myself, I've got to do it for them too. They had my best interests at heart and still have. I should place bigger value on their judgement.

I guess the most painful thing is carrying false hope, and hoping it might somehow materialise again someday, even though all signs urge you to go in the other direction. And then, things happen and you blame yourself being stupid for having lofty ideas...but the next moment you build up false hope once again.

I'll probably spend the time building up faith in placing my heart out there again. Who knew it had to be this difficult..I gave myself too many chances to believe, but I think I had enough.

...

Sometimes I don't know why I do or say certain things that eventually make me regret or feel like crap, 2 things I never ever want to go through.

For goodness sake's, I don't even know what I want right now, which leads me to such crap I'm doing to get by. I need to focus on the big picture, and work toward happiness. Sometimes I feel I should just be some heartless bloke, at least things would be so much easier.

Do I actually know what I want. Heck no. And this floating in the middle of nowhere is killing me. I wish time stood still to let me halt and think. But no, life goes on and things keep changing.

it's good

Have been really busy playing nowadays. It's really great hanging out with close friends and getting to know them better.

Yesterday was especially fruitful, having piano lessons in the morning and then staying through the day, helping out on some cooking and dining together later on. It actually made me slightly more interested in cooking as it didn't seem as tough as I made it out to be. Hmm. I guess it's actually much easier if there are several chefs instead of one, which also makes it more fun when we cook together.

Caught 'The Transformers' near midnight and nearly fell asleep near the end. Having dozed off on the first one, I had to fight the urge as my eyes were already half closed..Fortunately I didn't and made it till the end.

I had never appreciated the presence of friends so much ever before as their company and conversation really did make me happier and probably gave me some new perspectives which I greatly needed. =)

i'm back

Sorry for the lack of updates...

Have been really busy recently with rehearsals and piano lessons. Had to spend the weekend picking and practising a song that I was supposed to perform tomorrow morning at some Korean Uni Exchange thing with NUS. It was kinda a last minute thingey because nothing was really confirmed until about Friday or so. And apparently I was the only one who signed up to sing so I had to do 2 songs. Later, I had found out that KO was singing too so I was left to focus on one song, which was a good thing.

I will be singing 祝我生日快乐 tomorrow. Love the melody and the lyrics and I hope I can do a good job. I'm glad the BBQ managed to 'lubricate' my vocal chords and throat.

Also on the 27th, I will be performing at Ngee Ann City for Shine 2009. Not sure of the time and exact location yet, but I will be doing a solo and a duet, namely 说好的幸福呢 and 传说. Only 2 rehearsals with the instrumentalists before the real thing, steep learning curve as always. We need to pick out our mistakes fast enough and improve quickly.

Ok I guess I will go to sleep earlier tonight. I need the rest so I will be in the best shape to sing well tomorrow. Wish me luck and I hope I really don't forget the lyrics...

what i have been doing

Haven't been updating this blog for a while because I have been spending my time doing up another one that is related to the equity investment I'm making. Nothing much actually, just an avenue to record and review some information that I have read. Beats doing newspaper cuttings or making notes.

http://myinvestorinfo.blogspot.com

okayy.

I've promised to take a step back and just carry on with life as usual. It's better for the both of us. It took me so long to realise that you are right and I guess I'll have to have that faith to rely on fate this time.

Though I'm not expressing it, deep down inside I really want to let you know I'm always there for you.

Ok. good night!