ic.

I am apparently not very good at concealing my feelings, at least not as well as I thought I could. Anyway I realised over this week that I wasn't that very excited about commitment, and I didn't want to proceed with doubt.

It took me a while to be free from my past shadows and freedom was sweet as a whole lot of new possibilities open up before you. I think I still need some more time, as I had picked up a few lessons from the past and needed to reflect on them before I render myself vulnerable once again.

I guess I used to yearn the prospect of company, where someone will always be there caring for you, but now I don't. Not yet..but am definitely over my past..It was a little bit of 'What were you thinking' on my part.

Ok back to study.

squareone.

So I guess it's back to square one.

Another lesson learnt I suppose..Life isn't as simple as just following your heart, but the doubts and worry are enough to keep you from going forward. Until I figure that out, I guess it would not be easy letting anyone else in again. The feeling of putting your heart out there is simply too beyond me presently, and I figure this sure needed a whole lot more of guts and reasoning.

I should be feeling more, but am kind of numb. I would choose to attribute this to the hardening from previous experiences and not the possibility of I turning absolutely mercenary and heartless.

I need to learn to follow my heart again truly, and at the moment it seems kinda daunting and I don't know how to proceed. Not having any thoughts as burden I feel freer, but at what cost...? I feel more comfortable being cynical.

Until I figure out myself, I very much prefer to be alone.