Let me tell you more about this girl I know.
She is pretty, active, intelligent and was one of the more unique personalities I have known. We knew each other, I think, somewhere in the middle of the first year of junior college. We went to school together almost everyday for most of the second year and did things together rather often like attend guitar lessons or sometimes study sessions.
I liked her. But there was always this barrier in between us which I felt. I asked her out a couple of times. Caught several movies, had a couple of dinners together. So many times we hanged out, so many times I felt we couldn't really communicate. We could talk. But I wasn't comfortable. Awkward moments of silences were somewhat frequent, and that wasn't the best feeling in the world.
Somehow, I felt the distance between us was because my feelings were getting in the way. Probably was self conscious of my actions and words and couldn't overcome that. But everytime she was not around, I would secretly miss her. Many a times I wanted to tell her how I felt about her exactly, but it would be silly if I wasn't totally comfortable with her yet. For her birthdays, I would take the effort to shop for her present, hoping to surprise her at her doorstep, and budget was one of the last things on my mind. For 2 years, she forgot mine. Not even an sms. Made me wonder if I was wasting time, but somehow I still remained hopeful. Not too sure why either.
I always tried to break the barrier, tried to open up. But I realised it was beyond conversation. There had to be some form of connection but it didn't exist. Even we spent the whole night engaging in conversation, it would be useless if there wasn't anything else to link us other than the words coming out of our mouths.
But then again, I wouldn't have dared to bare my feelings for fear that our present relationship would be compromised. So I continued to try to break down at that invisible wall, hoping that someday I would be confident enough about my feelings for her.
That didn't happen. Because somewhere down the line, she became really busy after she entered university and the last time I saw her, which was a couple of months ago, was probably the last time I tried to bridge the gap. Someone told me not to waste my time, since she wasn't interested just let it go.
Who am I to think that I could break down any form of barrier especially after I've never contacted her after so long. She's probably moved on with university life, a whole new circle of friends and new activites, and here am I trying to salvage something so distant, probably something that I knew wasn't there all along but stubbornly believed so.
Oh well, I gotta sleep now. It's always great to put your thoughts down in words. Kinda puts things in perspective.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
a ranting session
I know of 2 brothers who stay at the other end of the corridor. One is older while the other younger than me. Both always seem so accomplished and there is always this sense of envy whenever I see them.
The older brother is in NTU. He was an army officer in the commandos. The younger one is in the Singapore Sports School playing table tennis. Recently my dad commented that he had started playing golf. Both look much stronger, fitter and taller than me. And they seem to lead such vigorous, active lifestyles ever since I knew them..I remember they were quite enthusiastic in cycling, rollerblading and such.
Compared to them, I always seemed to be the plump, inactive guy. It made me wonder if I'm just average. Of course, it's not right to compare to them like this..but it just seems that I might just fade into the background if I stood beside them.
I think I'm too lucky. I'm not outstanding in terms of studies and other activites yet I can drive a car. Again it is unfair to compare like this but I almost seem to be the underachieving spoilt brat of the block beside them.
Sometimes I regret not getting really good at something. Then maybe I'll have some skill to be proud of and not look so meagre next to them.
Oh well...this post probably didn't make any sense at all. Why am I judging myself like that?
The older brother is in NTU. He was an army officer in the commandos. The younger one is in the Singapore Sports School playing table tennis. Recently my dad commented that he had started playing golf. Both look much stronger, fitter and taller than me. And they seem to lead such vigorous, active lifestyles ever since I knew them..I remember they were quite enthusiastic in cycling, rollerblading and such.
Compared to them, I always seemed to be the plump, inactive guy. It made me wonder if I'm just average. Of course, it's not right to compare to them like this..but it just seems that I might just fade into the background if I stood beside them.
I think I'm too lucky. I'm not outstanding in terms of studies and other activites yet I can drive a car. Again it is unfair to compare like this but I almost seem to be the underachieving spoilt brat of the block beside them.
Sometimes I regret not getting really good at something. Then maybe I'll have some skill to be proud of and not look so meagre next to them.
Oh well...this post probably didn't make any sense at all. Why am I judging myself like that?
Sunday, September 23, 2007
6 billion souls
At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
must really stop spending on my car
My friend told me a few weeks back, " You always spend like you won the lottery. "
It's true. At times I realise that I'm really spending more than what I should. I admit I like to spend on my car. And I'm always tempted to do so. There is always something that can be done, and I would get it done.
It really makes me feel really guilty at times, especially after yesterday, when I was again given one of those pep talks by my parents. I have been spending a lot of unnecessary money, especially when the car is something I should be more than happy to have.
Instead of being content with owning something others my age seldom get the chance to own, I spend more on redundant modifications. I figured, this should stop, because spending more than you should is a sure way of depleting your savings. :(
Enough is enough. Ok, maybe I shall type more later.
It's true. At times I realise that I'm really spending more than what I should. I admit I like to spend on my car. And I'm always tempted to do so. There is always something that can be done, and I would get it done.
It really makes me feel really guilty at times, especially after yesterday, when I was again given one of those pep talks by my parents. I have been spending a lot of unnecessary money, especially when the car is something I should be more than happy to have.
Instead of being content with owning something others my age seldom get the chance to own, I spend more on redundant modifications. I figured, this should stop, because spending more than you should is a sure way of depleting your savings. :(
Enough is enough. Ok, maybe I shall type more later.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
i love my grandma
Today, my grandma cried in front of me. The last time she did so was when my grandpa died. I was mildly taken aback when tears started welling in her eyes as she talked to me.
She was telling me about how life was so tough in the past when she broke down. Told me a lot I didn't know much about before.
She told me that it was so difficult raising 6 children that she gave away the 7th, who is still one of my favourite aunts. My grandpa's paycheck, she said, was only enough for food but couldn't buy other necessities like clothes for the family let alone education for the children. So she had to go out to do laundry and housework for others for a meagre sum. She said she came home at 3am and went out to work at 5am.
Life was tough but she still managed to make enough money to send most of her children to tertiary, including my mum to university. Even though cash was tight, she worked even harder. To her, education was first. She told me it was a tough decision giving away 1 child but she had to so she could provide quality education to the other 6. It was certainly better than being unable to provide for 7.
I've been going back to see her quite often. I don't know why I didn't do so last year or when I was in junior college. Probably it's because I have much more free time this year and I'm driving. I do realise I still have a lot to learn from her and I'm probably going to do so for as long as I can.
She was telling me about how life was so tough in the past when she broke down. Told me a lot I didn't know much about before.
She told me that it was so difficult raising 6 children that she gave away the 7th, who is still one of my favourite aunts. My grandpa's paycheck, she said, was only enough for food but couldn't buy other necessities like clothes for the family let alone education for the children. So she had to go out to do laundry and housework for others for a meagre sum. She said she came home at 3am and went out to work at 5am.
Life was tough but she still managed to make enough money to send most of her children to tertiary, including my mum to university. Even though cash was tight, she worked even harder. To her, education was first. She told me it was a tough decision giving away 1 child but she had to so she could provide quality education to the other 6. It was certainly better than being unable to provide for 7.
I've been going back to see her quite often. I don't know why I didn't do so last year or when I was in junior college. Probably it's because I have much more free time this year and I'm driving. I do realise I still have a lot to learn from her and I'm probably going to do so for as long as I can.
Monday, September 10, 2007
hm ok so am actually starting to enjoy clubbing
Went to Dbl O with my car forum friends last night. Actually I was underage for that place but I managed to sneak in anyway. Going in big groups probably helps.
I remember the last time I tried to go into Dbl O was probably like 2 years ago and the door biatch stopped me for my i/c, and that was it. Apparently, I look older than my 20 years now.
Last night was my third time clubbing. Well the thing about me and clubbing is..I don't really feel excited about it. In fact, from what I've observed, I've always tried finding excuses to not go whenever someone asks me to. I'm not sure why either, probably because I never found drinking particularly enjoyable or dancing to blasting music really..natural.
But after I do decide to turn up, I actually enjoy it. The atmosphere is pretty exciting and once you get down to dancing, it's actually okay. I remember the first time I went to club my friend had to drag me to the dance floor. And at that time, I found it really really awkward to be just moving to the music. I guess I'm past that stage and am actually starting to like it.
Yesterday's music was good too. Thank goodness I like retro music. :)
Anyway, I didn't really drink for all the times I went clubbing. Probably a total of 1 shot of vodka and 3 sips in total. I don't fancy alcohol but mainly I didn't drink because I drove there. It was still enjoyable without drinking.
The company was great yesterday. I guess it was also one of the factors that made the experience enjoyable. Heh heh..actually they were all at least 5 years older than me. But still fun. No generation gap whatsoever.
I remember the last time I tried to go into Dbl O was probably like 2 years ago and the door biatch stopped me for my i/c, and that was it. Apparently, I look older than my 20 years now.
Last night was my third time clubbing. Well the thing about me and clubbing is..I don't really feel excited about it. In fact, from what I've observed, I've always tried finding excuses to not go whenever someone asks me to. I'm not sure why either, probably because I never found drinking particularly enjoyable or dancing to blasting music really..natural.
But after I do decide to turn up, I actually enjoy it. The atmosphere is pretty exciting and once you get down to dancing, it's actually okay. I remember the first time I went to club my friend had to drag me to the dance floor. And at that time, I found it really really awkward to be just moving to the music. I guess I'm past that stage and am actually starting to like it.
Yesterday's music was good too. Thank goodness I like retro music. :)
Anyway, I didn't really drink for all the times I went clubbing. Probably a total of 1 shot of vodka and 3 sips in total. I don't fancy alcohol but mainly I didn't drink because I drove there. It was still enjoyable without drinking.
The company was great yesterday. I guess it was also one of the factors that made the experience enjoyable. Heh heh..actually they were all at least 5 years older than me. But still fun. No generation gap whatsoever.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
the bad thing about owning a car
Sometimes I wonder if owning a car at a age where most of peers don't is a good thing.
Of course, the convenience of getting from A to B..the fun of buying and selling modifications..the occasional rush from spirited driving..
However, it has turned me into the driver for everyone in camp. You see..I'm fine with sending them in and out of camp. No issue because it's on the way. But really makes me wonder if I'm taking for granted for what I'm doing.
It has cast doubts on how I see people and how they see me. Are they really that friendly or is it because they feel obliged since I'm doing them favours. Will things be different if I was still taking a bus to camp? Will the newer guys talk to me that much?
Sometimes, it also irks me that some of them put it in such a way that it's only 'natural' that I fetch them out. Some always try to find out if they are doing duty with the 'cars', so that they have transport in/out of camp. And they will either go 'Yay, got car' or 'Damn, no car..sian'. Makes me feel that all they see in me as a person is actually my car, ironically, and nothing to do with what I am.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. It has just clouded my perception on the people around me. Who's real, who's just feeling obliged to be nice?
Of course, the convenience of getting from A to B..the fun of buying and selling modifications..the occasional rush from spirited driving..
However, it has turned me into the driver for everyone in camp. You see..I'm fine with sending them in and out of camp. No issue because it's on the way. But really makes me wonder if I'm taking for granted for what I'm doing.
It has cast doubts on how I see people and how they see me. Are they really that friendly or is it because they feel obliged since I'm doing them favours. Will things be different if I was still taking a bus to camp? Will the newer guys talk to me that much?
Sometimes, it also irks me that some of them put it in such a way that it's only 'natural' that I fetch them out. Some always try to find out if they are doing duty with the 'cars', so that they have transport in/out of camp. And they will either go 'Yay, got car' or 'Damn, no car..sian'. Makes me feel that all they see in me as a person is actually my car, ironically, and nothing to do with what I am.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. It has just clouded my perception on the people around me. Who's real, who's just feeling obliged to be nice?
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