i wonder how she is now

Let me tell you more about this girl I know.

She is pretty, active, intelligent and was one of the more unique personalities I have known. We knew each other, I think, somewhere in the middle of the first year of junior college. We went to school together almost everyday for most of the second year and did things together rather often like attend guitar lessons or sometimes study sessions.

I liked her. But there was always this barrier in between us which I felt. I asked her out a couple of times. Caught several movies, had a couple of dinners together. So many times we hanged out, so many times I felt we couldn't really communicate. We could talk. But I wasn't comfortable. Awkward moments of silences were somewhat frequent, and that wasn't the best feeling in the world.

Somehow, I felt the distance between us was because my feelings were getting in the way. Probably was self conscious of my actions and words and couldn't overcome that. But everytime she was not around, I would secretly miss her. Many a times I wanted to tell her how I felt about her exactly, but it would be silly if I wasn't totally comfortable with her yet. For her birthdays, I would take the effort to shop for her present, hoping to surprise her at her doorstep, and budget was one of the last things on my mind. For 2 years, she forgot mine. Not even an sms. Made me wonder if I was wasting time, but somehow I still remained hopeful. Not too sure why either.

I always tried to break the barrier, tried to open up. But I realised it was beyond conversation. There had to be some form of connection but it didn't exist. Even we spent the whole night engaging in conversation, it would be useless if there wasn't anything else to link us other than the words coming out of our mouths.

But then again, I wouldn't have dared to bare my feelings for fear that our present relationship would be compromised. So I continued to try to break down at that invisible wall, hoping that someday I would be confident enough about my feelings for her.

That didn't happen. Because somewhere down the line, she became really busy after she entered university and the last time I saw her, which was a couple of months ago, was probably the last time I tried to bridge the gap. Someone told me not to waste my time, since she wasn't interested just let it go.

Who am I to think that I could break down any form of barrier especially after I've never contacted her after so long. She's probably moved on with university life, a whole new circle of friends and new activites, and here am I trying to salvage something so distant, probably something that I knew wasn't there all along but stubbornly believed so.

Oh well, I gotta sleep now. It's always great to put your thoughts down in words. Kinda puts things in perspective.