am going to the loo after this

I'm having verbal diarrhoea, pardon me.

They say productivity falls the later in the night it is, and based on this, I've successfully persuaded myself to stop with the Econs, and blog some more even though it might potentiallly all be crap at this point of the night.

I've realised I have developed this habit of plugging in my earphones and not listening to anything in particular. And I'm surprisingly comfortable with them despite them not displaying any true purpose. Maybe they keep my ears warm hence I feel a sense of security. It's like I'm tuning in to those alerts on MSN, everytime someone sends you a new message or logs in.

The feeling of connectivity in online communities. Ahh.

Present status: Ticklish throat with cough recovering slowly but surely. Maybe not though since I'm popping Hershey's Kisses for not much reason at all. I don't need the endorphin release since I just got the kick from the X-japan's lives on Youtube. I think I'm just eating because my jaws were numb.

Obviously, paying $5 for a packet of Hershey's in the name of charity is not doing much for me. I don't feel loved even if it's like 10 kisses an hour. I think I bought it because the cute girl wanted to go overseas for a project which I strongly believed in. I don't know, it's probably something good.

Ok I really need to pee. bye.

hi. this day in history.

I think I'm almost done with my Grammaticalization paper, so I've called it a day and have come here to blog.

I realise how I face my life at present really depended a lot on my past. A past not so glam, not something that I dig up frequently to relish. I attribute it mainly to upbringing, and being a sheltered little kid I wasn't exactly the one that would fit in too nicely. Being slightly pudgy (ok i'm being nice to myself here), I was rather quiet and lacked that confidence. I guess somehow that was the reason why I was always 'last man standing' when all the cliques sprouted. The feeling sucked...and even up till JC, it was still this way. It was awkward.

Yeah, 'You loser.' you would mutter. Yeah I was. Maybe I still am now. But at least I don't think so. I'm just determined not to fall back to the past, and just move forward with some hope. It's all in the mind, I realise. You just need to focus on being an individual and let nature take care of the rest.

There's no point trying to hard, I've learnt. That way you'll be happier too. It's very easy to say how you want to forget everything that has happened before and just embrace the future. Not possible. So I'll just carry that bit of memory around to constantly remind myself how not to falter and just live.

Oh ok. This is not emo. Smile.

my printer is alive

I didn't remember having my power supply to the printer switched on that night. Somehow in the middle of the night I was awoken by the printer. It was doing the familiar 'clean up' which you would get everytime you flicked the switch at the power supply. Feeling sleepy and puzzled I got up and shut the damn thing down and then went back to sleep.

Crap. It's really scary. It's as if someone flicked the power on when I was in bed. Even if the switch had been on before, why would it just start 'cleaning' itself if it had been lying on standby.

i should be studying.

The only way to truly experience love is to give a 100%. Right? I probably thought so before. After what I've been through, I'm not sure if that should be the case at all. Is it always necessary to put yourself in the balance and be slightly vulnerable in order to fully experience it? Or do brains play a bigger role than one thinks?

I've probably lived by 'Love or not at all' for quite a while, and while I thought it was best to throw doubts out of the picture, what it led me to was massive, permanent hurt. It was not nice at all.

Yet, it almost seems unreal if one uses too much of judgement in life. I feel we were born to follow our hearts and the best way to live life is to do so and learn from any obstacles we might encounter from our decisions. That is life. We cannot expect everything to be done right the first time round. It is not Black/White simple.

By insisting to live by these principles I'll probably be in the crosshair of heartbreak. But is this the price needed to live life to your fullest? Over judgement does hold us back. Will we be really happy with our carefully weighted decisions in time to come? Or smile behind the heartbreak because you've done what you had truly wanted?

I'm not asking you to be brash. Certain decisions however, it's better off listening to the little voice inside your chest.

where are the good ol' days

I felt like I had wanted to be alone, so I left my friends and proceeded to the library.

At this point, I just feel like putting everything behind me and take off, leaving in the dust, all the expectations people have of me and the ones I have set for myself. I'm no stranger to this feeling. It is just high pressurising. I fear the thought of being average and this fear bugs me to no end. Yet, I'm not so sure if I have the capability to sustain anything at all.

I really feel like getting into the car, drive to the nearest highway and just floor the accelerator, letting the rush of andrenaline take me over. I need to be alone.

i passed a stone on the pavement.

Gosh am sick. Started out with a rather bad dry cough and now it's a flu. This time it feels really odd. I hope I don't catch a fever or something.

It must be the late nights, early morning jogs and a lack of water. Certainly taking a toll on me. My head was throbbing at noon, so I went to sleep and am feeling slightly better presently. But am just not in the mood for work.

Speaking of which, I believe I made some good progress for my Grammaticalization paper yesterday. I meant to return to school library in the afternoon but I didn't go eventually cos I was feeling terrible. Perhaps tonight I really need to fight the temptation to stay up late.

Anyway, on the emotional front, I've been trying to forget the past and freaking move on. To no avail however. Moving on is apparently better for me they say, but I just can't. I'm sick of blogging about it and talking to people about it (am sure they are sick of listening too) so I'll probably do the same old thing and just keep it within me from now on. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore.

One day I'll somehow tumble out of the darkness.

i am hip. so are you.

It is not until I went for some serious shopping to revamp my wardrobe that I realised it wasn't exactly a phenomenal task to look decently fashionable. What I had bought recently made everything else in my wardrobe seem wildly ancient, and cast some serious doubts on my fashion 'sense' that I had all this while.

No wonder people say I look 25. Probably some effort is needed here.

I need help. Someone with a sound fashion sense needs to be a 2nd opinion when I do go shopping. If not I'll end up wasting money on nonsense with my kooky view on what's hip.