a rushed post with pockets of emo which I quite dislike

Rushing to complete the usual stuff I do on the internet and decided to throw in another post before the laptop shuts off. The problem you see, is that I had left my charger in the clubroom on Friday and that meant I had 3 hours plus of battery to use until I go back on Sunday for rehearsals.

Rationing, I should say..and there is a tinge of excitement in rushing to download and print tutorials before my battery runs flat. I had little internet to use today, so I had spent some time watching television and detailing the car. Went out in the afternoon so I guess I did not feel that bored. Ah, case of being over-reliant on technology.

Had a really fun time chasing tutorials and catching up on readings. Really bugged me when I caught a glimpse of my macroeconomics lecture slides a while ago. I had missed the lecture because I was too tired from overnight rehearsal.

Big performance coming up and it's really somewhat a dream come true for me and I want to do it well. It feels happy to be doing what you love to do and see the opportunities coming in naturally with no desire for any reward whatsover. You just enjoy yourself and do your best everytime with no complain or procrastination. Is this what they call passion? Don't think I had that in a long while and it would be a huge void to fill once this big project is done.

Voids. I had to attempt to fill a big one recently. In real life, I'm the type who would bottle up all the problems and issues inside me. Until one day when it gets too full, I'll probably punch the walls until my knuckles bleed or confide in someone I feel has a good listening ear and a rational mind. While you ponder over the credibility of the previous sentence, let me assure you I prefer the latter while I'm kidding about the former. In fact, I started this blog so that I could 'talk' to it (seriously) as I would always feel better when I put things in words.

Ok, back to the 'void', let me just say it doesn't feel too good. I shall be point blank because my stupid battery can't sustain. Yes. I miss her. The best way not too sound emo (hate it) is to be blatantly honest. I miss her like how I miss the train. I miss her like how I try to hit you but I miss. Sounds dumb. I wonder how my students are going to react to this while they are reading (if they still are) when they realise they had such a 'drama' teacher for half a year. Yes, but I am only human. Cut me and I'll bleed. Push too hard and I will fall to the ground with a resounding 'thump'.

What I feel now is emptiness..and I hurriedly try to fill the gaps with all sorts of activities that would take my mind off thinking. Yet, in the cold of the night when everything is dead still, it all comes crashing down like a raging inferno, rupturing the barrier I had forcefully created to protect myself from the myraid of doubts and questions that threaten my sanity.

How long can I remain in this comfortable, 'status quo' tranquility that keeps me awake? Deep down inside, there is still the pain that just can't seem to go away. Moving on seems out of my capability. At least for right now. Not at this point when everything still hangs in the balance, or how I wish it would. I feel like screaming out loud, for crying out loud!

In other words, I still feel like crap.

my desire to write something is back

I admit for one point in time I forgot that I had actually a blog in existence and the main reason for my absence was because I was caught up with all the changes that had happened and just wasn't in the 'writing' mood.

Blogs are an extension of the ego, they say. Surely, even the word 'blog' just gives me the no holds barred, all things go type of vibe. Technically, by definition, it means 'web log', which has significantly less excitement than the word 'blog'. How irrelevant, but who cares, it's a blog.

Just a couple of updates in my life..

1st semester is done. Being clueless in the first sem didn't hurt me too much fortunately. Although the module choices had been screwed up from the start, I managed to do decently well by my standards. The last 3 months also gave me the confidence that nothing else in future could be worse than 'maths 5 hours a week, 3500 chinese essay, 1500 word political sci essay' type of combination. I could be wrong about this. I hope not.

Relationships have also become complicated. It's not 'official' anymore. Key word here is 'official' and I refuse to elaborate more because I try to avoid brooding too much. In December I probably hit the lowest point of my life. Before I start to sound emo, let me cover it up with slightly fancy vocab such as 'wall-punching' and 'hair-tearing'. Now it sounds angsty but in actual fact, I was really upset. For a couple of weeks, I blocked out all thoughts and got on with my daily life in denial. I felt like crap. It's probably more complicated than I think, even up till this point, though I hate to admit it. I can't say I have 'recovered' from the issue yet, because it's still in the balance and serious doubts have been bugging me from no end. No, am not ok, in case you decide to ask.

On a relatively lighter note, I've been working on a makeover. Yes, I mean an appearance makeover. Not that I want to, but I'm taking the stage end Feb and I can't have an 'uncle' style anymore. 'Uncle style' is a pro-comfort, color combination don't matter, dad's sandals type of style, the best way to blend into the background. It's also not really fantastic to hear that you look sleepy while attempting to channel 'emo' because of small eyes. So I've opted back to the less comfortable of optical aids - lenses. This way my 'electrifying' eyes won't be blocked by my supposedly trendy but not glasses. Sad.

Time to shop for a new wardrobe as well. I think it sounds pretty frivolous and I feel bimbotic.

Today's CNY eve and I guess my parents and I are having our reunion at Astons. It's so CNY feel I love it.