a rushed post with pockets of emo which I quite dislike

Rushing to complete the usual stuff I do on the internet and decided to throw in another post before the laptop shuts off. The problem you see, is that I had left my charger in the clubroom on Friday and that meant I had 3 hours plus of battery to use until I go back on Sunday for rehearsals.

Rationing, I should say..and there is a tinge of excitement in rushing to download and print tutorials before my battery runs flat. I had little internet to use today, so I had spent some time watching television and detailing the car. Went out in the afternoon so I guess I did not feel that bored. Ah, case of being over-reliant on technology.

Had a really fun time chasing tutorials and catching up on readings. Really bugged me when I caught a glimpse of my macroeconomics lecture slides a while ago. I had missed the lecture because I was too tired from overnight rehearsal.

Big performance coming up and it's really somewhat a dream come true for me and I want to do it well. It feels happy to be doing what you love to do and see the opportunities coming in naturally with no desire for any reward whatsover. You just enjoy yourself and do your best everytime with no complain or procrastination. Is this what they call passion? Don't think I had that in a long while and it would be a huge void to fill once this big project is done.

Voids. I had to attempt to fill a big one recently. In real life, I'm the type who would bottle up all the problems and issues inside me. Until one day when it gets too full, I'll probably punch the walls until my knuckles bleed or confide in someone I feel has a good listening ear and a rational mind. While you ponder over the credibility of the previous sentence, let me assure you I prefer the latter while I'm kidding about the former. In fact, I started this blog so that I could 'talk' to it (seriously) as I would always feel better when I put things in words.

Ok, back to the 'void', let me just say it doesn't feel too good. I shall be point blank because my stupid battery can't sustain. Yes. I miss her. The best way not too sound emo (hate it) is to be blatantly honest. I miss her like how I miss the train. I miss her like how I try to hit you but I miss. Sounds dumb. I wonder how my students are going to react to this while they are reading (if they still are) when they realise they had such a 'drama' teacher for half a year. Yes, but I am only human. Cut me and I'll bleed. Push too hard and I will fall to the ground with a resounding 'thump'.

What I feel now is emptiness..and I hurriedly try to fill the gaps with all sorts of activities that would take my mind off thinking. Yet, in the cold of the night when everything is dead still, it all comes crashing down like a raging inferno, rupturing the barrier I had forcefully created to protect myself from the myraid of doubts and questions that threaten my sanity.

How long can I remain in this comfortable, 'status quo' tranquility that keeps me awake? Deep down inside, there is still the pain that just can't seem to go away. Moving on seems out of my capability. At least for right now. Not at this point when everything still hangs in the balance, or how I wish it would. I feel like screaming out loud, for crying out loud!

In other words, I still feel like crap.