The best type of blog ever never surfaces.
For once there is knowing and awareness that there is someone out there reading, feelings and expressions can never ever be put down in its total glory that reflects the innermost thoughts of the author. People, even those who claim write with abandon, are simply people. No one likes to be judged. This, subconsciously affects the things you share with others and the preferred style of expression.
My friend just told me about the style of writing here. As she put it, there is a certain peace and stillness about my writing that doesn't seem to reflect the vivid emotions I have attempted to 'describe' throughout my recent posts. Perhaps even passive. Maybe I'm subconsciously channeling behaviour in real life. It takes a whole lot to get me excited, and a whole lot more to make me shed a tear. Yet deep down there is this cauldron of thoughts boiling, and god knows what kind of truth it might bare should it simmer over the fire long enough.
Or maybe it's because of the white background that is generating some peaceful aura that affects my readers. Who knows? It's all psychological.
Speaking of psychology, I was thinking recently how intriguing it would be to deeply understand an individual. Afterall, throughout our lives, we've been subconsciously dealing out scores to people we have only met once or twice, basing our judgement on prejudice or experience. Oh how I yearn for deep conversation, something that would bridge gaps and more importantly, create awareness of the lives around you. A clean slate would be a nice starting point.
You might be surprised how someone can be so similar or so vastly different from you. Not everyone is leading a normal lifestyle.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Emerge dreams
Had rehearsal in school for the afternoon. Yes. It's a Sunday and there's rehearsal. Don't get me wrong, I would gladly return to school at 3am to sing. The tight schedule all the way up to Emerge required us to return on Sundays as well.
Given the chance to perform at Lunar Bar on the 23rd is really a dream come true for me. I had always wanted to perform on a larger stage, to a larger audience and hopefully touch them with my song. All these years I've enjoyed singing, and it feels great to at least do something constructive out of it, even if it's only for one time..because it's a chance for people to recognise your effort. Most importantly, it's a personal target I've set out to achieve.
It's fun practising all this while and I finally realise why people never tire when they do the things they love. Similarly, it is also why people always go out of the way to please the ones they love, never expecting anything in return. Both cases are driven by love.
I'll be singing Eason Chan's 'Aren't you glad' and 神木与瞳's ' 为你而活 '. 'Aren't you glad' is one of Eason's english songs and the lyrics make so much sense and impact that the first time I heard it, I wanted to perform it. From the auditions all the way up to the first note the live band had conjured up based on listening to the original track, I was greatly attracted to the song. In fact, the more I practised and rehearsed, the more I loved the song. It just had this unspoken impact.
For the other song, it's one powerhouse rock song. How many times I've yearned to sing a rock song on stage. Haha. Now that I've finally got the chance to scream in public, I do hope I get to bring the house that night. My only concern is my fellow duet singer. I'm taking this very seriously and I hope she can put in her best also.
23rd February. A date of significant meaning.
Every song has a message waiting to be put into life. Sure, that day when am singing, there'll probably be several in the audience who can relate to the music and lyrics. I would be just glad to put it in melody for them. Yet, the people I want most to be there will not be and it's terribly disappointing. I want you to see me do what I've always wanted to do. Living a dream is exhilarating but being there alone is just barren.
23rd February. Emerge. Lunar Fusion Bar at Clarke Quay. $15. Contact me for tickets and advice on how to sneak in if you are underaged.
Given the chance to perform at Lunar Bar on the 23rd is really a dream come true for me. I had always wanted to perform on a larger stage, to a larger audience and hopefully touch them with my song. All these years I've enjoyed singing, and it feels great to at least do something constructive out of it, even if it's only for one time..because it's a chance for people to recognise your effort. Most importantly, it's a personal target I've set out to achieve.
It's fun practising all this while and I finally realise why people never tire when they do the things they love. Similarly, it is also why people always go out of the way to please the ones they love, never expecting anything in return. Both cases are driven by love.
I'll be singing Eason Chan's 'Aren't you glad' and 神木与瞳's ' 为你而活 '. 'Aren't you glad' is one of Eason's english songs and the lyrics make so much sense and impact that the first time I heard it, I wanted to perform it. From the auditions all the way up to the first note the live band had conjured up based on listening to the original track, I was greatly attracted to the song. In fact, the more I practised and rehearsed, the more I loved the song. It just had this unspoken impact.
For the other song, it's one powerhouse rock song. How many times I've yearned to sing a rock song on stage. Haha. Now that I've finally got the chance to scream in public, I do hope I get to bring the house that night. My only concern is my fellow duet singer. I'm taking this very seriously and I hope she can put in her best also.
23rd February. A date of significant meaning.
Every song has a message waiting to be put into life. Sure, that day when am singing, there'll probably be several in the audience who can relate to the music and lyrics. I would be just glad to put it in melody for them. Yet, the people I want most to be there will not be and it's terribly disappointing. I want you to see me do what I've always wanted to do. Living a dream is exhilarating but being there alone is just barren.
23rd February. Emerge. Lunar Fusion Bar at Clarke Quay. $15. Contact me for tickets and advice on how to sneak in if you are underaged.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
a rushed post with pockets of emo which I quite dislike
Rushing to complete the usual stuff I do on the internet and decided to throw in another post before the laptop shuts off. The problem you see, is that I had left my charger in the clubroom on Friday and that meant I had 3 hours plus of battery to use until I go back on Sunday for rehearsals.
Rationing, I should say..and there is a tinge of excitement in rushing to download and print tutorials before my battery runs flat. I had little internet to use today, so I had spent some time watching television and detailing the car. Went out in the afternoon so I guess I did not feel that bored. Ah, case of being over-reliant on technology.
Had a really fun time chasing tutorials and catching up on readings. Really bugged me when I caught a glimpse of my macroeconomics lecture slides a while ago. I had missed the lecture because I was too tired from overnight rehearsal.
Big performance coming up and it's really somewhat a dream come true for me and I want to do it well. It feels happy to be doing what you love to do and see the opportunities coming in naturally with no desire for any reward whatsover. You just enjoy yourself and do your best everytime with no complain or procrastination. Is this what they call passion? Don't think I had that in a long while and it would be a huge void to fill once this big project is done.
Voids. I had to attempt to fill a big one recently. In real life, I'm the type who would bottle up all the problems and issues inside me. Until one day when it gets too full, I'll probably punch the walls until my knuckles bleed or confide in someone I feel has a good listening ear and a rational mind. While you ponder over the credibility of the previous sentence, let me assure you I prefer the latter while I'm kidding about the former. In fact, I started this blog so that I could 'talk' to it (seriously) as I would always feel better when I put things in words.
Ok, back to the 'void', let me just say it doesn't feel too good. I shall be point blank because my stupid battery can't sustain. Yes. I miss her. The best way not too sound emo (hate it) is to be blatantly honest. I miss her like how I miss the train. I miss her like how I try to hit you but I miss. Sounds dumb. I wonder how my students are going to react to this while they are reading (if they still are) when they realise they had such a 'drama' teacher for half a year. Yes, but I am only human. Cut me and I'll bleed. Push too hard and I will fall to the ground with a resounding 'thump'.
What I feel now is emptiness..and I hurriedly try to fill the gaps with all sorts of activities that would take my mind off thinking. Yet, in the cold of the night when everything is dead still, it all comes crashing down like a raging inferno, rupturing the barrier I had forcefully created to protect myself from the myraid of doubts and questions that threaten my sanity.
How long can I remain in this comfortable, 'status quo' tranquility that keeps me awake? Deep down inside, there is still the pain that just can't seem to go away. Moving on seems out of my capability. At least for right now. Not at this point when everything still hangs in the balance, or how I wish it would. I feel like screaming out loud, for crying out loud!
In other words, I still feel like crap.
Rationing, I should say..and there is a tinge of excitement in rushing to download and print tutorials before my battery runs flat. I had little internet to use today, so I had spent some time watching television and detailing the car. Went out in the afternoon so I guess I did not feel that bored. Ah, case of being over-reliant on technology.
Had a really fun time chasing tutorials and catching up on readings. Really bugged me when I caught a glimpse of my macroeconomics lecture slides a while ago. I had missed the lecture because I was too tired from overnight rehearsal.
Big performance coming up and it's really somewhat a dream come true for me and I want to do it well. It feels happy to be doing what you love to do and see the opportunities coming in naturally with no desire for any reward whatsover. You just enjoy yourself and do your best everytime with no complain or procrastination. Is this what they call passion? Don't think I had that in a long while and it would be a huge void to fill once this big project is done.
Voids. I had to attempt to fill a big one recently. In real life, I'm the type who would bottle up all the problems and issues inside me. Until one day when it gets too full, I'll probably punch the walls until my knuckles bleed or confide in someone I feel has a good listening ear and a rational mind. While you ponder over the credibility of the previous sentence, let me assure you I prefer the latter while I'm kidding about the former. In fact, I started this blog so that I could 'talk' to it (seriously) as I would always feel better when I put things in words.
Ok, back to the 'void', let me just say it doesn't feel too good. I shall be point blank because my stupid battery can't sustain. Yes. I miss her. The best way not too sound emo (hate it) is to be blatantly honest. I miss her like how I miss the train. I miss her like how I try to hit you but I miss. Sounds dumb. I wonder how my students are going to react to this while they are reading (if they still are) when they realise they had such a 'drama' teacher for half a year. Yes, but I am only human. Cut me and I'll bleed. Push too hard and I will fall to the ground with a resounding 'thump'.
What I feel now is emptiness..and I hurriedly try to fill the gaps with all sorts of activities that would take my mind off thinking. Yet, in the cold of the night when everything is dead still, it all comes crashing down like a raging inferno, rupturing the barrier I had forcefully created to protect myself from the myraid of doubts and questions that threaten my sanity.
How long can I remain in this comfortable, 'status quo' tranquility that keeps me awake? Deep down inside, there is still the pain that just can't seem to go away. Moving on seems out of my capability. At least for right now. Not at this point when everything still hangs in the balance, or how I wish it would. I feel like screaming out loud, for crying out loud!
In other words, I still feel like crap.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
my desire to write something is back
I admit for one point in time I forgot that I had actually a blog in existence and the main reason for my absence was because I was caught up with all the changes that had happened and just wasn't in the 'writing' mood.
Blogs are an extension of the ego, they say. Surely, even the word 'blog' just gives me the no holds barred, all things go type of vibe. Technically, by definition, it means 'web log', which has significantly less excitement than the word 'blog'. How irrelevant, but who cares, it's a blog.
Just a couple of updates in my life..
1st semester is done. Being clueless in the first sem didn't hurt me too much fortunately. Although the module choices had been screwed up from the start, I managed to do decently well by my standards. The last 3 months also gave me the confidence that nothing else in future could be worse than 'maths 5 hours a week, 3500 chinese essay, 1500 word political sci essay' type of combination. I could be wrong about this. I hope not.
Relationships have also become complicated. It's not 'official' anymore. Key word here is 'official' and I refuse to elaborate more because I try to avoid brooding too much. In December I probably hit the lowest point of my life. Before I start to sound emo, let me cover it up with slightly fancy vocab such as 'wall-punching' and 'hair-tearing'. Now it sounds angsty but in actual fact, I was really upset. For a couple of weeks, I blocked out all thoughts and got on with my daily life in denial. I felt like crap. It's probably more complicated than I think, even up till this point, though I hate to admit it. I can't say I have 'recovered' from the issue yet, because it's still in the balance and serious doubts have been bugging me from no end. No, am not ok, in case you decide to ask.
On a relatively lighter note, I've been working on a makeover. Yes, I mean an appearance makeover. Not that I want to, but I'm taking the stage end Feb and I can't have an 'uncle' style anymore. 'Uncle style' is a pro-comfort, color combination don't matter, dad's sandals type of style, the best way to blend into the background. It's also not really fantastic to hear that you look sleepy while attempting to channel 'emo' because of small eyes. So I've opted back to the less comfortable of optical aids - lenses. This way my 'electrifying' eyes won't be blocked by my supposedly trendy but not glasses. Sad.
Time to shop for a new wardrobe as well. I think it sounds pretty frivolous and I feel bimbotic.
Today's CNY eve and I guess my parents and I are having our reunion at Astons. It's so CNY feel I love it.
Blogs are an extension of the ego, they say. Surely, even the word 'blog' just gives me the no holds barred, all things go type of vibe. Technically, by definition, it means 'web log', which has significantly less excitement than the word 'blog'. How irrelevant, but who cares, it's a blog.
Just a couple of updates in my life..
1st semester is done. Being clueless in the first sem didn't hurt me too much fortunately. Although the module choices had been screwed up from the start, I managed to do decently well by my standards. The last 3 months also gave me the confidence that nothing else in future could be worse than 'maths 5 hours a week, 3500 chinese essay, 1500 word political sci essay' type of combination. I could be wrong about this. I hope not.
Relationships have also become complicated. It's not 'official' anymore. Key word here is 'official' and I refuse to elaborate more because I try to avoid brooding too much. In December I probably hit the lowest point of my life. Before I start to sound emo, let me cover it up with slightly fancy vocab such as 'wall-punching' and 'hair-tearing'. Now it sounds angsty but in actual fact, I was really upset. For a couple of weeks, I blocked out all thoughts and got on with my daily life in denial. I felt like crap. It's probably more complicated than I think, even up till this point, though I hate to admit it. I can't say I have 'recovered' from the issue yet, because it's still in the balance and serious doubts have been bugging me from no end. No, am not ok, in case you decide to ask.
On a relatively lighter note, I've been working on a makeover. Yes, I mean an appearance makeover. Not that I want to, but I'm taking the stage end Feb and I can't have an 'uncle' style anymore. 'Uncle style' is a pro-comfort, color combination don't matter, dad's sandals type of style, the best way to blend into the background. It's also not really fantastic to hear that you look sleepy while attempting to channel 'emo' because of small eyes. So I've opted back to the less comfortable of optical aids - lenses. This way my 'electrifying' eyes won't be blocked by my supposedly trendy but not glasses. Sad.
Time to shop for a new wardrobe as well. I think it sounds pretty frivolous and I feel bimbotic.
Today's CNY eve and I guess my parents and I are having our reunion at Astons. It's so CNY feel I love it.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
eons later...
Sorry for the lack of updates. I mean, if you are still reading this, thank you for checking back. The term has been nothing but hectic. I think I'm studying quite a lot, at least if you compare to college but I can still barely keep up.
Have been sleeping real late and waking up early. Early by my standards that is. About 7am. I am never one that wakes up late anyway. Some tuned biological alarm clock thingey. Even if I try to be a bum and force myself to sleep until 10am, I still find my eyes forcing themselves open at 8. This includes the weekends as well.
Even as am typing this I'm feeling sleepy. Tomorrow is a no-lesson day for me and probably I'll try to wake up later. However, there's always something I'll have to do and not doing it bugs the hell out of me, so probably that's what makes me spring out of bed in the mornings.
I intended to talk about something more heavy and 'serious' but I figured I wasn't in that kinda mood to do anything along those lines. So I'll probably leave it to next time, whenever that is.
Oh. Sorry 2BN I can't turn up for tomorrow's class outing. Got a mini concert coming up and there's rehearsals tomorrow, which kinda reminds me I haven't blogged about my CCA yet. Let's leave it to next time.
Have been sleeping real late and waking up early. Early by my standards that is. About 7am. I am never one that wakes up late anyway. Some tuned biological alarm clock thingey. Even if I try to be a bum and force myself to sleep until 10am, I still find my eyes forcing themselves open at 8. This includes the weekends as well.
Even as am typing this I'm feeling sleepy. Tomorrow is a no-lesson day for me and probably I'll try to wake up later. However, there's always something I'll have to do and not doing it bugs the hell out of me, so probably that's what makes me spring out of bed in the mornings.
I intended to talk about something more heavy and 'serious' but I figured I wasn't in that kinda mood to do anything along those lines. So I'll probably leave it to next time, whenever that is.
Oh. Sorry 2BN I can't turn up for tomorrow's class outing. Got a mini concert coming up and there's rehearsals tomorrow, which kinda reminds me I haven't blogged about my CCA yet. Let's leave it to next time.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
What I have got for my modules
Contary to popular belief, I am not dead like my blog is and while you are still speculating, I'm here again to revive my blog.
The lazy bones in me are dominating my soul and I always find the excuse of the lack of inspiration to blog. Which is partly true because in this 2nd week of university life, I'm still caught up with all the settling in and module bidding that I can't recount anything barely interesting.
Well, it's not right just blogging every 2 weeks or so because I know of a handful of avid readers who seemingly find direction and solace in my ramblings (uh hum..) and it'll be sorry to disappoint them. Let's just say I shall try to blog more often ok?
Module bidding and tutorial balloting are over and the initial modules I got were Economics, English, Calculus, Chinese Studies and Theatre Studies.
You heard the last 2 correct.
Chinese Studies - History of China and Chinese Literature. First lecture was a giant boot to the sleepy face. Nothing short of traumatising, I was left frozen in panic a couple of moments through the lecture. Lecture was in mandarin (ok duh) and presentation was in traditional chinese characters. I was momentarily swarmed by ancient chinese facts regarding history and culture. It was a sudden blow to the senses because I've lost touch with the language.
Theatre Studies - Don't want to go too much into it as I was seriously disturbed by the whole atmosphere when I stepped into the LT. Well..even before that I was already feeling apprehensive. I don't know what it was. Probably the small course intake, probably the lecturer, probably the people I saw in there. It was stifling in all sorts of the word. Luckily the lecture was only an hour. Apparently there is supposed to be a 2 hr practical every week which required you to 'wear loose clothing as you are required to do movements on the floor' and I guess that really scared me away.
Yep. Guess I made the decision to appeal out of the course and tranferred to Political Science. I have decided to stick with Chinese Studies though because heard that it wasn't as scary as it seemed and today's lecture I actually could understand. About 90 percent of it. Great.
Ok, gotta go off now. It'll be good if I can blog again in a couple of days.
The lazy bones in me are dominating my soul and I always find the excuse of the lack of inspiration to blog. Which is partly true because in this 2nd week of university life, I'm still caught up with all the settling in and module bidding that I can't recount anything barely interesting.
Well, it's not right just blogging every 2 weeks or so because I know of a handful of avid readers who seemingly find direction and solace in my ramblings (uh hum..) and it'll be sorry to disappoint them. Let's just say I shall try to blog more often ok?
Module bidding and tutorial balloting are over and the initial modules I got were Economics, English, Calculus, Chinese Studies and Theatre Studies.
You heard the last 2 correct.
Chinese Studies - History of China and Chinese Literature. First lecture was a giant boot to the sleepy face. Nothing short of traumatising, I was left frozen in panic a couple of moments through the lecture. Lecture was in mandarin (ok duh) and presentation was in traditional chinese characters. I was momentarily swarmed by ancient chinese facts regarding history and culture. It was a sudden blow to the senses because I've lost touch with the language.
Theatre Studies - Don't want to go too much into it as I was seriously disturbed by the whole atmosphere when I stepped into the LT. Well..even before that I was already feeling apprehensive. I don't know what it was. Probably the small course intake, probably the lecturer, probably the people I saw in there. It was stifling in all sorts of the word. Luckily the lecture was only an hour. Apparently there is supposed to be a 2 hr practical every week which required you to 'wear loose clothing as you are required to do movements on the floor' and I guess that really scared me away.
Yep. Guess I made the decision to appeal out of the course and tranferred to Political Science. I have decided to stick with Chinese Studies though because heard that it wasn't as scary as it seemed and today's lecture I actually could understand. About 90 percent of it. Great.
Ok, gotta go off now. It'll be good if I can blog again in a couple of days.
Friday, August 8, 2008
off cors and bidding
Past week has been an emotionally stressful one as the bidding for modules progress. The system is called CORS and although it has a nice ring to it, it still fails to hide its facade as one big mind game.
Mind game it is, as behind the seemingly passive looking system, lies the necessity to predict the actions of hundreds of other minds with similar objectives. Any moment of fickle-mindedness and unexpected bids will upset the delicate balance, sending the numbers spiralling.
What adds to the complexity is the fact that no one knows what the other is bidding or where he stands, other than the highest and lowest bid and the number of vacancies left. Personally, I had spent numerous hours on bidding day camping in front of the screen, making appropriate changes while nervously hitting the refresh button every 10 minutes.
Maybe it isn't that necessary, maybe I will not be so tense in the subsequent rounds, which undoubtedly would last throughout the few years or so. However the past few days have been an emotional roller coaster. Afterall, I only got the 5 modules after the third bidding round and they weren't my initial choices.
The next thing on the agenda is the balloting of tutorials and their allocation will determine if my Fridays will be free. The possibility of a 4 day week excites me but any unexpected turn of events will wipe that out.
I seriously need some luck.
Mind game it is, as behind the seemingly passive looking system, lies the necessity to predict the actions of hundreds of other minds with similar objectives. Any moment of fickle-mindedness and unexpected bids will upset the delicate balance, sending the numbers spiralling.
What adds to the complexity is the fact that no one knows what the other is bidding or where he stands, other than the highest and lowest bid and the number of vacancies left. Personally, I had spent numerous hours on bidding day camping in front of the screen, making appropriate changes while nervously hitting the refresh button every 10 minutes.
Maybe it isn't that necessary, maybe I will not be so tense in the subsequent rounds, which undoubtedly would last throughout the few years or so. However the past few days have been an emotional roller coaster. Afterall, I only got the 5 modules after the third bidding round and they weren't my initial choices.
The next thing on the agenda is the balloting of tutorials and their allocation will determine if my Fridays will be free. The possibility of a 4 day week excites me but any unexpected turn of events will wipe that out.
I seriously need some luck.
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