i understand myself a little more

I wonder if I should really follow my heart this time round. Quite afraid that I would make the same old mistakes that I have made in the past. My friend told me though that I shouldn't stop eating fish just because I had choked in the past. Pretty true..and I can say I have become too rational for my own good.

i know this feeling i think

It's just all too familiar. It almost seems possible, yet I am afraid of making the same old mistake again. The past experience had caused me to lose faith in following my instincts, and this time I wonder if I was using too much of my brain.

I wasn't the person who would let any good opportunity slip but as much as I wish to start a new chapter in my life, there seemed to be too much holding me back.

I need a sign.

in the balance

Getting hungry at times like these made me go out and get a McChicken, and now that I'm in not much mood to continue studying, I decided to blog.

I finally met her today. It had been a while and I was actually feeling jittery beforehand because I was apprehensive on what it would be like. As much as I wanted very much to see her, I was afraid it would be awkward. Well it wasn't, and I was glad it turned out fine.

I guess this time round I managed to say what I had wanted to say, and what had been bothering me all this while. I guess the best way is to face the whole issue itself, and only by laying all the cards on the table will one be able to decide the next move.

It also dawned on me that I had lost something. I had forgotten what it was like to be completely free from having your heart and emotions getting bounded to someone. Love just sucks you in, and it takes a while to lose it, even then there'll be still some left over, never going away.

I never regretted it once though. Being with her had been one of the happiest times of my life, and I would give anything to relive it.

cycle.

Ice is the name of a dog. A dog I once kept. It was never a good decision to taking ownership of it, I had made a mistake back then and was compelled to find a better owner for him, and I did. I loved the dog but I had to let it go as we started to realise how little time we had for it.

She loved the dog too, much more than me in fact. I couldn't tell how much more, but it was obvious she loved it more. She blamed me for my mistake. I didn't have a choice though. I couldn't manage. Yes, it was bad judgement on my part and I regretted. Perhaps I had underestimated the impact of the action. I didn't want to admit that an animal could contribute to what was happening now, but perhaps it did play a role.

Maybe it was retribution. That I had made a bad decision adopting a dog and then going through the trauma of dealing with demands on both sides and being labelled irresponsible. Again, people had to be hurt because of a wrong choice. Probably I had paid for it, and the same thing happened to me.

I figure people normally had to give up things once close to them to make way for certain aspects of their life, so they could live with greater freedom without burden or responsibility, but this not necessarily bringing with it happiness. It happened to Ice, and it happened to me.

Tell me that's life.

the date

Going out with someone so attractive is rather stressful, especially how all eyes seem to focus on her then drift to the guy beside her. It's just a date, but nothing else more. Not in my current situation.

I always had the impression that really pretty girls only look great with good looking guys, despite how almost everyone I know disputes it like crazy, boiling it down to my weird perspectives, suspiciously influenced by the media. Of course, we are not in primary school anymore, and looks probably play a secondary role in choosing a partner. It was only in those days when you say to an ugly girl you don't want to be her friend because she is ugly. Oh well, superficiality at its worst, but we were all too young. And kids are the most honest people in the world, no?

Anyway, she was a real stunner when she dolled up, and not just on the outside. She's a great person too. But I couldn't imagine myself dating her in a relationship. Firstly, she isn't available. Secondly, the words 'too pretty for me' kept popping up in my head. I figured out that as my confidence had steadily grown over these couple of years in other aspects in my life, I still can't figure why it takes a hit with pretty people. Maybe it's the theory of relativities when I walk next to her, or the constant pressure to look at least compatible.

Or maybe it's just the consequence of my past again, that is constantly hindering me in exploring possibilities in anyone else.

Afterall, I do know that I have what it takes, and it takes confidence to say that. And I know what I am capable of accomplishing. This shouldn't pose a problem to me, as long as I constantly believe in myself. Soon, I'll date pretty girls like her. Ha.

i need to think..

It is borderline irritating sometimes that as a new chapter beckons, your past repeatedly pops out to stop you from moving ahead. What do I want exactly? The future is tempting with new possibilities, yet there's a figment of something that's growing really old clinging on.

But isn't life about constantly moving ahead and discovering, and throwing aside things that seem to hold you back? People move on for their own sake, all in their best interest and even things that were once held dear to them will be shelved for the sake of living to the fullest. Sacrifices will always have to be made in order to achieve happiness, even if it means causing pain. Now that's life right? It's all about opportunity cost. Economics, it's that simple.

I am no longer bitter as there isn't a point compromising my psychological well being anymore. I've done so for 8 full months and I don't know how many body cells I have destroyed, how many opportunites I have shut out, and how much fuel I have wasted flooring my car pedal, attempting to flush my troubles out of my head.

I also feel guilty towards my parents, who can read me like a book and instantly tell that I was troubled. I kept everything from them and refused to share, because my mom, especially will be worried. It was probably due to the inherent fear and more or less expected 'rational' advice from my mom, which was probably going to be the best advice I could hear, but also likely to be the most painful. I didn't want that, as I felt that I could continue living in hope. She probably noticed that I was quieter, and she had to ask.

I need all the affirmation I can get, to get me up and moving. I am afraid of letting go, as it's something am not sure if I will regret in future. Yet even holding on to just a bit is enough to cause pain and apprehension. I once thought I could live with it, but am no so sure now.

-

I just felt like blogging again.

After almost a 2 month hiatus, I just felt like putting down my thoughts in words again. It feels good. However, given my busy schedule, it'll be fantastic if I actually found the time to reflect and ramble.

I guessed I have recovered enough to start putting things down in an earnest manner, and hope this time round I don't go lying to myself again. My hairdresser had told my best friend (we share the same hairdresser) that I looked like I was deeply troubled whenever she saw me. I expressed surprise, because I thought I was pretty good at concealing my feelings. But no, hairdressers talk to all sorts of people, they can tell, as put across by Howard. I'm impressed.

I think am more or less done with my situation. How long has it been? 8? 9 months? I've been on this rollercoaster of emotions for far too long, and painful as it might be, I have to suck it up and move on. I thought I had made a decision months back, but I don't know if I had been totally truthful. I greatly appreciate the company of my friends though, and I tell myself this time, if not for myself, I've got to do it for them too. They had my best interests at heart and still have. I should place bigger value on their judgement.

I guess the most painful thing is carrying false hope, and hoping it might somehow materialise again someday, even though all signs urge you to go in the other direction. And then, things happen and you blame yourself being stupid for having lofty ideas...but the next moment you build up false hope once again.

I'll probably spend the time building up faith in placing my heart out there again. Who knew it had to be this difficult..I gave myself too many chances to believe, but I think I had enough.