It is borderline irritating sometimes that as a new chapter beckons, your past repeatedly pops out to stop you from moving ahead. What do I want exactly? The future is tempting with new possibilities, yet there's a figment of something that's growing really old clinging on.
But isn't life about constantly moving ahead and discovering, and throwing aside things that seem to hold you back? People move on for their own sake, all in their best interest and even things that were once held dear to them will be shelved for the sake of living to the fullest. Sacrifices will always have to be made in order to achieve happiness, even if it means causing pain. Now that's life right? It's all about opportunity cost. Economics, it's that simple.
I am no longer bitter as there isn't a point compromising my psychological well being anymore. I've done so for 8 full months and I don't know how many body cells I have destroyed, how many opportunites I have shut out, and how much fuel I have wasted flooring my car pedal, attempting to flush my troubles out of my head.
I also feel guilty towards my parents, who can read me like a book and instantly tell that I was troubled. I kept everything from them and refused to share, because my mom, especially will be worried. It was probably due to the inherent fear and more or less expected 'rational' advice from my mom, which was probably going to be the best advice I could hear, but also likely to be the most painful. I didn't want that, as I felt that I could continue living in hope. She probably noticed that I was quieter, and she had to ask.
I need all the affirmation I can get, to get me up and moving. I am afraid of letting go, as it's something am not sure if I will regret in future. Yet even holding on to just a bit is enough to cause pain and apprehension. I once thought I could live with it, but am no so sure now.
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