screaming in a vacuum

I meant to sleep at 12am but I couldn't so I got back up to use the computer. Now it's 230am and I'm still here. Sleepy Sunday up ahead.

People want people to read their blogs. It's some sort of personal gratification and ego satisfaction to create an avenue to express their feelings. Some post big big while others do it discretely, yet yearn wildly for people to read their words. Maybe it's the desire to want people to know the side of you that they probably didn't know about. Some just need people to listen, and they hope by letting people have access, their feelings can be heard. It's like screaming out loud in a vacuum, hoping that your voice will be skimpily sufficient to get to the outside, yet you do not want to broadcast it. Oh ok what dumb analogy.

Yes. I want to be heard. How I hope people can read my blog and understand what I'm going through. It's not difficult to admit this given how I don't really give a heck to mostly everything around me. But I wonder who's reading anyway..I'm already grateful enough to pen down my words so coherently despite the wild thoughts bouncing off the walls of my brain.

I guess I really want a convertible. argh crap.

an attempt to escape

In one of my recent thoughts of extravagance again, the idea of changing car keeps popping up. I love cars. Understatement.

I've always wanted a convertible or a sports car or a combination of both. This desire haunts me to the brink of being realistic and practical. It's not right man. Owning a car is already a blessing now, what the hell am I trying to do by hankering after something so lavish? Yet, that familiar feeling of longing creeps up everytime I see some flashy car that catches my eye. Oh heck, I even sit at a cafe facing out at the road so I can catch any sports car that rumbles by.

So how do I make dreams become reality? Go buy Toto tickets religiously twice a week and hope I strike the big one? My dad actually encourages me to do that. What crap..though there is still hope when you do that. Or wait for my stocks to actually post a decent return, then at least a convertible won't be out of reach. Speaking of which, I ought to reorganize my portfolio really soon.

I'm actually a brat. Bet no one knew that. I'm that chao ah beng your parents warned you about.

stop being emo and go sleep

Get on with life, my friend. There's no use hankering over something that you know you won't get back, at least in the short run.

I'm probably fucking weak, and this loss is like someone yanking what you dear away from you so forcefully, you crumble under its loss. I've never really accepted it, though I have brought myself to understand. And trying to pick up the pieces is a tough thing to do, because you know your heart is some place, and it's difficult getting it back on track.

I don't understand why people ask me to move on like it's so fucking easy. It's not. Sanity is urging me to get my act together, while my heart refuses to budge. It just seems wrong to let everything go.

I've got myself hurt this once because I've followed my heart too much. Heck, I don't care if I get hurt again because I can only follow my heart and nothing else. It's just too much a burden if I ignore it.

I'm a wreck. I'm trying very hard to pull myself together. Really.

maybe if i sleep well my troubles will disappear

The wonders of a good night's sleep.

It is puzzling how I'm starting to consider sleeping at 12am somewhat of a luxury but then I realise it was mostly up to me anyways. No one forced me to sleep at 2am.

Should I sleep early today? Haven't done much work recently and the guilt is crawling up on me. The bed is pretty tempting though. Maybe I really should be sleeping. Lessons at 8am tomorrow and if I'm really serious about getting up to run at 630am then I should hit the sack soon.

I need an escape now. Just a brief one..away from the books and issues that haunt me incessantly. Yet, at this point, it doesn't seem that I have anyone or anywhere to turn to. Just myself facing tremendous bits of debris life is throwing my way.

Maybe I really do need some sleep.

honest reflection hor.

Where has the drive gone? It almost seemed sucked out of me, leaving a gaping vacuum within, while I rush to fill up the nothingness.

It seemed that I have lost a lot since the start of the sem, yet gained quite a bit too in terms of experience and self awareness. Now, that is fantastic. Yet, I haven't been truly happy. Behind the facade of things that seem to make up a 'fufilling' life, there is just an empty shell.

I don't think I ever progressed as a person. Maybe I'm still the stubborn, sensitive, selfish individual who refuses to learn from mistakes and let the world around control my feelings and actions. So many times I've told myself to just be myself and move on, yet the past still has a certain hold on me.

It's also particularly disturbing how I seek solace in material. You don't spend to feel happy..it's just..wrong. Yet, I never had 2nd thoughts about spending, at least most of the time and it just almost seems that I'm living only on temporary indulgence. Like some sort of drug.

Maybe I'm really a brat afterall. Spending on good meals, the car, clothes, stocks without even needing to go to work like my friends. And deep down inside, beneath everything else, there's really nothing at all. Just a lonely soul with not much substance.