CONFUSION. QUESTIONS. DOUBTS.
My mind feels like a freaking rollercoaster. This is probably going to be the longest weekend of my life. It's going to take a hell lot more to top this. I'm almost halfway done. Sunday will be dreary.
Can't wait for Monday.
Monday seems to have all the answers.
The last couple of days have been surreal. Things slipped into a whole new dimension just like that. At least that's how I felt. It's like on the brink of scary. Don't even remember what exactly happened. Everything is a blur. And I mean, really one patch of fog when I look back. Terrible comparison. Heck.
Strangely, despite all these, there's still this tinge of nice.
Ok. Please stop speculating and concentrate on your studies.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
too young?
Today in class someone asked me how I felt about boy girl relationships (BGRs) at their age of 14, maybe 15.
From the perspective of someone only about 5 years older, I feel that 15 years old is way too young to be starting any form of relationships with the opposite sex. Let me take this opportunity to say that for my past years in school, I've rarely even seen a couple last through the end of the school term. But this is just me, you might have your own real life examples to refute my claim.
Which leads me to question the motivating factor behind getting into BGRs at such a tender age. The feeling to love and just be so overwhelmingly surrounded by its magic is simply put, amazing. And many teenagers can't tell the difference between truly in love with the person or just simply in love with this feeling of being in love.
The line in between is frightfully thin. And I'm not saying that only teenagers are vulnerable. Sometimes we dive blindly into this illusion and before we know it, we are caught up in the frenzy of things finally unable to tell its subtle difference.
Of course, a person at 20 will see things very differently from someone who is 5 years younger. And believe me, 5 years can do a lot to your perspectives. I remember when I was 15, I vaguely remember I was confused. Of course, I never had the slightest hint back then and some of my actions really do baffle me, especially now when I look back.
Heck, even now at this point of writing, I still don't get a clear idea on love and relationships. I was always baffled, still is and I believe I will always continue questioning, this whole complex idea behind love. I know, at the back of my head, that I can never really find a satisfactory answer. I guess it keeps me thinking. For me, getting lost in my thoughts have become some sort of an escape.
To my students, I can never give you my exact opinion on love and relationships at your age. It is because I'm constantly questioning, and the questions I have rob me of the confidence. I may have said 15 is too young but that's just in all sense of the word, politically correctness.
All I can say is, you do get a clearer idea of things when you are out of the picture and looking back in. We all tend to be myopic when we are in the midst of all the action. That's why sometimes I encourage people to stand back and take a breather.
Whatever it is, when you love, love with all your heart. Cherish and savour every possible moment in love you can gather. It is these moments that define a relationship and not its duration.
And that is all I have to say for tonight.
From the perspective of someone only about 5 years older, I feel that 15 years old is way too young to be starting any form of relationships with the opposite sex. Let me take this opportunity to say that for my past years in school, I've rarely even seen a couple last through the end of the school term. But this is just me, you might have your own real life examples to refute my claim.
Which leads me to question the motivating factor behind getting into BGRs at such a tender age. The feeling to love and just be so overwhelmingly surrounded by its magic is simply put, amazing. And many teenagers can't tell the difference between truly in love with the person or just simply in love with this feeling of being in love.
The line in between is frightfully thin. And I'm not saying that only teenagers are vulnerable. Sometimes we dive blindly into this illusion and before we know it, we are caught up in the frenzy of things finally unable to tell its subtle difference.
Of course, a person at 20 will see things very differently from someone who is 5 years younger. And believe me, 5 years can do a lot to your perspectives. I remember when I was 15, I vaguely remember I was confused. Of course, I never had the slightest hint back then and some of my actions really do baffle me, especially now when I look back.
Heck, even now at this point of writing, I still don't get a clear idea on love and relationships. I was always baffled, still is and I believe I will always continue questioning, this whole complex idea behind love. I know, at the back of my head, that I can never really find a satisfactory answer. I guess it keeps me thinking. For me, getting lost in my thoughts have become some sort of an escape.
To my students, I can never give you my exact opinion on love and relationships at your age. It is because I'm constantly questioning, and the questions I have rob me of the confidence. I may have said 15 is too young but that's just in all sense of the word, politically correctness.
All I can say is, you do get a clearer idea of things when you are out of the picture and looking back in. We all tend to be myopic when we are in the midst of all the action. That's why sometimes I encourage people to stand back and take a breather.
Whatever it is, when you love, love with all your heart. Cherish and savour every possible moment in love you can gather. It is these moments that define a relationship and not its duration.
And that is all I have to say for tonight.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
for love or money
According to Adam Khoo's 'Secrets of Self-Made Millionaires', there is a long list of common negative associations about money that prevent people from truly becoming rich. It is these subconscious beliefs that cause them to repel money and prevent them from becoming wealthy without even realising it.
Below are several examples, just to name a few:
1) Money is the 'root of all evil'
2) To get rich, you must be lucky, dishonest or really smart
3) Money will not buy you happiness
4) If I have more money, I will have more worries and problems
5) Rich people are stingy
If one applies the same theory to love, you will realise that there are people around you that find reasons not to fall in love. Or simply refuse to show their true emotions to the ones they adore.
Sometimes people do hold back for fear of rejection. They become too judgmental of oneself and others as they form unwritten criteria that eventually shape their perceptions. They are actually finding excuses to turn away, questioning the possibility of any result.
Is love going to last? Are the circumstances right? But we seem so different, are we meant to be?
It is in the subconscious that prevents them from truly loving. And then there are those who are afraid of getting hurt, held back by their past.
In Low Kay Hwa's book 'I believe you', there is this one line that made a lot of sense. In love, either you love or you don't. You don't hold back your feelings. Because if you do, you will never get to embrace its true meaning.
Below are several examples, just to name a few:
1) Money is the 'root of all evil'
2) To get rich, you must be lucky, dishonest or really smart
3) Money will not buy you happiness
4) If I have more money, I will have more worries and problems
5) Rich people are stingy
If one applies the same theory to love, you will realise that there are people around you that find reasons not to fall in love. Or simply refuse to show their true emotions to the ones they adore.
Sometimes people do hold back for fear of rejection. They become too judgmental of oneself and others as they form unwritten criteria that eventually shape their perceptions. They are actually finding excuses to turn away, questioning the possibility of any result.
Is love going to last? Are the circumstances right? But we seem so different, are we meant to be?
It is in the subconscious that prevents them from truly loving. And then there are those who are afraid of getting hurt, held back by their past.
In Low Kay Hwa's book 'I believe you', there is this one line that made a lot of sense. In love, either you love or you don't. You don't hold back your feelings. Because if you do, you will never get to embrace its true meaning.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
something really random
Here is me taking a pinch at some black pepper chicken from the plate of Yen Lin, a fellow relief at CCHSM. Nothing much. Just felt that it's been a while I've been in such a candid shot so I just decided to post it up.
Pattaya chicken from Western Delights - probably the best dish in Singapore school canteen history.
Friday, February 15, 2008
the Vday was unlike previous ones
How was your Valentine's Day?
I became a 'date facilitator' for my best friend this year. So the ideas came up over an evening few nights before D-day at Dempsey where we were scouting for potential restaurants there to take his girl to.
And somehow over cake at Dome Cafe I kinda offered to be their official driver for that evening. Mainly because the location was quite inaccessible without vehicle and the tight schedule would deem other forms of public transport a tad too inconvenient.
I shall not specify details on that particular evening. Let's just say it went smoothly admist fears of losing my way and ruining a wonderful evening. I told him I'll just drop them off at the nearest MacDonald's in case I really went in the wrong direction. He didn't seem to be humored. I don't know why.
That night, I felt a tinge of bitterness creeping up on me. Before I continue, let me clarify that this has nothing to do with the couple in the backseat. It feels great to be able to make a positive difference to a lovely evening. It's just me.
Just imagine one really beautiful evening you step out into the open and see, hear and feel this atmosphere of love surrounding you and then you wonder why you feel so out of place.
That's what I felt.
I became a 'date facilitator' for my best friend this year. So the ideas came up over an evening few nights before D-day at Dempsey where we were scouting for potential restaurants there to take his girl to.
And somehow over cake at Dome Cafe I kinda offered to be their official driver for that evening. Mainly because the location was quite inaccessible without vehicle and the tight schedule would deem other forms of public transport a tad too inconvenient.
I shall not specify details on that particular evening. Let's just say it went smoothly admist fears of losing my way and ruining a wonderful evening. I told him I'll just drop them off at the nearest MacDonald's in case I really went in the wrong direction. He didn't seem to be humored. I don't know why.
That night, I felt a tinge of bitterness creeping up on me. Before I continue, let me clarify that this has nothing to do with the couple in the backseat. It feels great to be able to make a positive difference to a lovely evening. It's just me.
Just imagine one really beautiful evening you step out into the open and see, hear and feel this atmosphere of love surrounding you and then you wonder why you feel so out of place.
That's what I felt.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
so i end up talking about school yet again
Today I shall attempt to blog with no prior topic in mind. At this present moment, I am only thinking of the next word I shall put down because simply, I just feel like writing.
I love writing.
Oh rather, should I say, I love typing down my thoughts. You could say that's probably called blogging. Look at the 3 word sentence making up the previous paragraph. I tell my students sometimes to use short sentences that are to the point to create an impact. I hope that did.
Speaking of students, sometimes I look at them and wonder what's running through their mind when I teach them. Why do they look so 'dead'? Why can't they just follow instructions sometimes? Perhaps it's the time of the day. I've been told the time of the day when you enter the classroom makes a significant difference to the behaviour and patience of these youngsters.
That's why sometimes I prefer my lessons to be in the early morning, where they are easier to manage, probably because two hours ago, they were still tucked in bed.
And then there are those who cast glances at me and giggle. Inaudible chatter follows. Things like these only happen for two reasons. They think you're cute or they are simply gossiping about something you probably shouldn't hear. Since it can't possibly be the former, I will hence instinctively check if my fly is undone (with much discretion of course) or pretend to scratch my upper lip to see if I had left anything unsightly behind when I was picking my nose earlier.
When I look at my students, I'll try to recall what I was like 5 or 6 years ago when I was in the exact same situation. What was going through my mind then? How have I changed for the past 6 years? I really cannot imagine any significant differences. Probably, I think more now. Much more. I guess thinking makes you grow. Sometimes, I wonder how much more mature I am compared to these young upstarts that I'm responsible for.
Oh. And isn't Valentine's Day today? How amazingly insightful the love in the air has made me..Don't you feel it already? It's one of the most commercialized days in the year. Probably I should just go out and get some flowers, just for the sake of it.
I love writing.
Oh rather, should I say, I love typing down my thoughts. You could say that's probably called blogging. Look at the 3 word sentence making up the previous paragraph. I tell my students sometimes to use short sentences that are to the point to create an impact. I hope that did.
Speaking of students, sometimes I look at them and wonder what's running through their mind when I teach them. Why do they look so 'dead'? Why can't they just follow instructions sometimes? Perhaps it's the time of the day. I've been told the time of the day when you enter the classroom makes a significant difference to the behaviour and patience of these youngsters.
That's why sometimes I prefer my lessons to be in the early morning, where they are easier to manage, probably because two hours ago, they were still tucked in bed.
And then there are those who cast glances at me and giggle. Inaudible chatter follows. Things like these only happen for two reasons. They think you're cute or they are simply gossiping about something you probably shouldn't hear. Since it can't possibly be the former, I will hence instinctively check if my fly is undone (with much discretion of course) or pretend to scratch my upper lip to see if I had left anything unsightly behind when I was picking my nose earlier.
When I look at my students, I'll try to recall what I was like 5 or 6 years ago when I was in the exact same situation. What was going through my mind then? How have I changed for the past 6 years? I really cannot imagine any significant differences. Probably, I think more now. Much more. I guess thinking makes you grow. Sometimes, I wonder how much more mature I am compared to these young upstarts that I'm responsible for.
Oh. And isn't Valentine's Day today? How amazingly insightful the love in the air has made me..Don't you feel it already? It's one of the most commercialized days in the year. Probably I should just go out and get some flowers, just for the sake of it.
Monday, February 11, 2008
i see clearer like wearing new specs
Sometimes we do get confused over the next step we should take in our lives. At this moment in time, there are so many things running through my mind. Or what my students would say in descriptive writing, running like a hungry lion chasing the poor deer.
Ok, so that was a pretty lame example. But I do get stuff like that in the course of my marking.
Anyway, I was saying that I've been thinking a lot recently. Recently as in the past week, the long holiday but significantly more in the last 20 hours. Well, it seems that there is simply so much untapped potential I could harness, so many resources I could jolly well access for the sake of a better future.
But sadly, I'm not doing anything much but sweating the small stuff all the time.
It just seems like my priorities in life have shifted quite a bit in the past month or so. Maybe it's the new year resolution syndrome kicking in or maybe it's so near Valentine's Day and there's this emo thing going on. Whatever it is, it just seems like there's this huge veil suddenly lifted from my eyes and this strange source of motivation starts kicking in from I don't know where.
But it feels good to have your vision cleared. Like peeling away dried green stuff at the corners of your eyes when you wake up in the morning (oh here we go again).
I guess this is one of those posts that only me can comprehend. The rest of you can just try to figure out what I'm babbling about.
Ok, so that was a pretty lame example. But I do get stuff like that in the course of my marking.
Anyway, I was saying that I've been thinking a lot recently. Recently as in the past week, the long holiday but significantly more in the last 20 hours. Well, it seems that there is simply so much untapped potential I could harness, so many resources I could jolly well access for the sake of a better future.
But sadly, I'm not doing anything much but sweating the small stuff all the time.
It just seems like my priorities in life have shifted quite a bit in the past month or so. Maybe it's the new year resolution syndrome kicking in or maybe it's so near Valentine's Day and there's this emo thing going on. Whatever it is, it just seems like there's this huge veil suddenly lifted from my eyes and this strange source of motivation starts kicking in from I don't know where.
But it feels good to have your vision cleared. Like peeling away dried green stuff at the corners of your eyes when you wake up in the morning (oh here we go again).
I guess this is one of those posts that only me can comprehend. The rest of you can just try to figure out what I'm babbling about.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I believe you
Ok, so I've just finished 17 chapters of this book at one sitting. Who am I kidding? The chapters are pretty short. This book is titled 'I Believe You' and it's by local writer Low Kay Hwa. Thing is I read it online and the last 3 chapters are only made available in hard copy.
This is a love story about 2 youths in their junior college. It's not your regular sappy teenage i-have-a-crush-on-you type of story. Definitely more complex and thought provoking. Might be a tear jerker to some.
Here's the link:
http://www.goodybooks.com/ibelieveyou.htm
This is a love story about 2 youths in their junior college. It's not your regular sappy teenage i-have-a-crush-on-you type of story. Definitely more complex and thought provoking. Might be a tear jerker to some.
Here's the link:
http://www.goodybooks.com/ibelieveyou.htm
Do take some time to read it. One of the better short stories I've read in a while. It's apparently rather popular too, in its third print run. So I must be quite slow to only find out now.
Anyway, I should be expecting the book to arrive in my post within a week. Yeah, the only way to lay your hands on a hard copy is to order it online. I just had to.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
that stretch of highway
A real good way to enjoy music would be during a cool night, driving on a highway. With the windows down and the volume up, it would also be the time when you wish the ride had a retractable hood.
Bon jovi never sounded better when you're singing with the music, with the wind rushing in your face. For that moment, you hope that the kilometres of tarmac just wouldn't run out.
Perhaps that's a great way of getting into the song.
Today I heard a really beautiful and familiar piano piece. And it made me wonder how a melody with no words could invoke such forms of emotion and nostalgia. Maybe because this sort of music is supposed to make you feel dreamy. And when you're dreamy, you think of nice things. Oh well.
Finally got my road mix up. Compiled a list of songs I deemed fit for driving along to and burned it into a disc. On this island, we tend to run out of ground really easily. Music on the move needs to be picked wisely.
Bon jovi never sounded better when you're singing with the music, with the wind rushing in your face. For that moment, you hope that the kilometres of tarmac just wouldn't run out.
Perhaps that's a great way of getting into the song.
Today I heard a really beautiful and familiar piano piece. And it made me wonder how a melody with no words could invoke such forms of emotion and nostalgia. Maybe because this sort of music is supposed to make you feel dreamy. And when you're dreamy, you think of nice things. Oh well.
Finally got my road mix up. Compiled a list of songs I deemed fit for driving along to and burned it into a disc. On this island, we tend to run out of ground really easily. Music on the move needs to be picked wisely.
nothing gold can stay. can it?
Most of my students would have come across this poem one time or another. It's in the literature text The Outsiders. This poem more or less carries the idea behind the story.
Nothing Gold Can Stay - Robert Frost
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
I'm still reading into the meaning of this poem. I get the gist of the underlying idea and it's amazing how something can make such sense and be so beautifully crafted.
Nothing Gold Can Stay - Robert Frost
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
I'm still reading into the meaning of this poem. I get the gist of the underlying idea and it's amazing how something can make such sense and be so beautifully crafted.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
now this sure took a while.
"Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes, a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment... every part of it... will live on forever."
Many a time I'll look back at my life and wonder how things would be different if I made certain choices. And then I'll realise that half of the time I was paper chasing, going through the motions, just simply...living life as I should.
The other time in literature lesson, I was asking my students to share with me significant and memorable moments in their lives. Things that have changed their lives. I had actually wanted to hear their answers for myself. At the back of my head, I had went blank as I could not come up with any examples for myself.
Perhaps it's a good thing to realise this and probably things can be different. Perhaps moments like these really can be created and waited for. Will I be able to create these moments in the days to come? Can I make an impression?
Then just maybe the next time I stumble upon a One Tree Hill quote and decide to blog about it, I'll have at least something I can boast about or look back fondly on. And yes, it's about time I started on Season 4.
Many a time I'll look back at my life and wonder how things would be different if I made certain choices. And then I'll realise that half of the time I was paper chasing, going through the motions, just simply...living life as I should.
The other time in literature lesson, I was asking my students to share with me significant and memorable moments in their lives. Things that have changed their lives. I had actually wanted to hear their answers for myself. At the back of my head, I had went blank as I could not come up with any examples for myself.
Perhaps it's a good thing to realise this and probably things can be different. Perhaps moments like these really can be created and waited for. Will I be able to create these moments in the days to come? Can I make an impression?
Then just maybe the next time I stumble upon a One Tree Hill quote and decide to blog about it, I'll have at least something I can boast about or look back fondly on. And yes, it's about time I started on Season 4.
look, it's 3am.
Sometimes, I hope I can freeze a certain memory of an individual. The certain piece of someone that I would always want to remember him or her by. It could be the dazzling smile or the conversation shared.
It would be good if we could also retrieve these bits and pieces whenever we wished. And nothing else could tarnish those bits of perfection. Everyone will be rosy.
Beautiful moments we wish to keep are the ones that are fleeting and far in between. Do we create them or wait for them to happen?
It would be good if we could also retrieve these bits and pieces whenever we wished. And nothing else could tarnish those bits of perfection. Everyone will be rosy.
Beautiful moments we wish to keep are the ones that are fleeting and far in between. Do we create them or wait for them to happen?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
the story so far
Guess I haven't blogged in about slightly over a month. That's a long time in blog years. Have been teaching in Chung Cheng for the past month and for the 1st week of February. It's an amazing experience so far and I'm enjoying every moment of it.
I have two Secondary 3 classes and three secondary 2 classes. Some classes I always look forward to going, some classes require a bit of prior mental preparation. But in the end, all things end really well. No matter how the lesson goes, at the end of the day, there's still this tinge of satisfaction.
Sometimes, I don't really feel like a teacher. I'm only about 5 or 6 years older than them. Maybe 6 years is a long time, I don't know. But at least I don't feel very old in the classroom.
I never really expected to enjoy a teaching job so much. I've told myself once or twice in the past month or so that I'll continue with this job until my term ends no matter what kind of difficulty I face. The workload I face might be crazy sometimes but guess this is all part of the job.
There are moments in my life I hope can last as long as I want them to. This is one experience I wish I could extend.
I have two Secondary 3 classes and three secondary 2 classes. Some classes I always look forward to going, some classes require a bit of prior mental preparation. But in the end, all things end really well. No matter how the lesson goes, at the end of the day, there's still this tinge of satisfaction.
Sometimes, I don't really feel like a teacher. I'm only about 5 or 6 years older than them. Maybe 6 years is a long time, I don't know. But at least I don't feel very old in the classroom.
I never really expected to enjoy a teaching job so much. I've told myself once or twice in the past month or so that I'll continue with this job until my term ends no matter what kind of difficulty I face. The workload I face might be crazy sometimes but guess this is all part of the job.
There are moments in my life I hope can last as long as I want them to. This is one experience I wish I could extend.
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