reasoning

Before retiring for bed last night, I spotted a huge moth on the mattress. Feeling too sleepy to do anything and not wanting to disturb nature, I plonked down in the foldable chair I had, with just a pillow by my side and tried to sleep.

Which resulted in a not particularly spectacular night of rest as I struggled to find a comfortable position on the stiff canvas like material.

Spent today helping about the house, clearing up after the renovation and putting things back into place. Also caught up with some rest from the night before. By the way, the moth had died the next morning. Hmm.

Recently, I've been full of reason. Reasonable enough to stop with all the silly doubts, yet my emotions keep getting the better of me. One moment I'm in control, the next I'm overcome with the flurry of emotions that get the better of me.

It's not a really good time I'm facing now. Yet, I know I'm fully capable of handling it. Probably I'm choosing not to, because I'm still wondering which is the best path to take now. There seems to be only a direction, but how do I approach it I'm not sure. I need some help here.

There is this big urge to let her know how I feel, although it probably would end up to nothing. I don't even know what she is thinking now, and I surely can't tell. She seems almost passive and that kinda worries me. I regret the fact that I didn't try hard enough to make her stay, although it probably won't work..but I feel I could have done more.

v short post

It seems that there is this huge urge to sing, make music and listen to them. It's something about music that releases me from the doubts I have and puts me in some sort of comfort zone.

I don't think I have much to say tonight. I'm very tired.

oh ok.

Have been attempting to clear my mind these few days. Getting busy, distracted, occupied, spending time alone to straighten my thoughts.

Have been spending my mornings jogging at Tanjong Rhu and driving around with no apparent destination in mind, and it all seem rather effective in ironing things out. Learning to play the piano again after so many years, and it feels really good to be making some form of music. The way it fills my ears, the house, surely livens the mind and surrounding. It's probably one of the things that links me to you as well, though I haven't really heard u play much. One day I shall play a piece for you. By then, it shouldn't sound like crap.

Tonight should be a relatively early night for me. Going to wake up tomorrow for a run before joining my folks for breakfast.

i don't feel like sleeping

I guess this break is absolutely necessary. Though I've been fighting the urge to sms or msn, I sincerely wish from the bottom of my heart that you are doing well and happy. Words can't describe the longing I have to take you out for breakfast again.

Even if I had to do it all over again, I would. I'll be there when you are ready.

clearer

With a specific direction to move towards, I guess I feel less lost and hence the mind-wrecking frustration resulting from the helplessness has reduced...

I guess no matter what happens in the end, what is important now is I set out to do what I believe in. Things are made simpler in that case, where unnecessary doubts and worries are cast aside.

yea whatever.

I guess today's singing session had been a great relief to me, though it wasn't much, it was sufficient. Singing helps me to escape from the reality of the moment, and it is only in those few minutes when I am in control of my voice. I am glad I don't do alcohol, and I can never understand why people will ever will.

The past few days had been rather bad but I didn't want to show it. How I wish I could be angry then things will be so much easier for me. How I wish those memories could just be wiped off the back of my head. If it didn't mean so much to me I probably could do so.

I guess that's too bad for me. No matter what I say or do, I am aware I can't change the situation. All I could do, as said before, was simply to live life and have some hope. It isn't easy though, and one way or another, I have this big feeling I might go crashing down in the rubble of doubts and fear along the way.

Following your heart is never easy, that's why so many people end up unhappy in the end.

words of the foolish

Flooring the accelerator at every traffic junction doesn't seem to wash your troubles away. Looks like I need to find something else.

I figure one way of dealing with this issue that is eating away at me is to simply live life. Because there is simply nothing else left to do. I'm no fan of moping, I guess I'm past that stage. What is troubling me is how things ended up and the possibility of how change can itself alter what may happen in the future.

At this moment, any change will result in distance. I fear one day, no matter how I have gone with my heart, that I might still end up powerless against these changes. Can one simply rely on fate with no prior faith to begin with? Or are they really mutually exclusive?

I have to become a better person. Maybe only then I can be worthy. I don't want to walk out of this battered and weakened by worry and hopelessness. Even if I have to get to know you all over again I have to go on with this.

Call me foolish. In the eyes of the people around me, I'm probably seen as that dumb guy who can't move on. Afterall, they all make it seem so easy. Things might change..even for me, down the road. Maybe tomorrow a ravishing blonde will catch my eye or along the way, I somehow turn gay (joking by the way), but at this present, I can't lie to myself.

It's the worst injustice I can ever do.

is this resolution

I guess this is one of those days that reality has yet again, hit a spectacular home run.

Except this time it's much more real than the other times. It is also proof that time, in some cases, doesn't heal. How much time do we need anyway? Do we need some sort of resolution before we can allow time to do the rest?

It was never over for me, even if it means sweeping everything under the carpet and trying to smoke reality with a nice smile. It will always come back and bite you. Hard. When you least expect it.

Faced with the possibility of losing something so precious is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. The worst being you can do nothing much to salvage the situation, as it is already the most ideal situation in the scenario. Leaving you with the only thing you can do, which is to have that little bit of faith burning at the back of your heart, just burning bright enough yet not too huge to consume you.

Not too much as it might lead to disappointment at the end. Yet, when it is time to take a gamble, I have to. Clearly, I can only follow my heart, even if it means earth shattering devastation at the finish line or the losses along the way. This is what I want and at least there won't be regrets later.

I have to take that chance. Yet, what makes it so difficult now is being helpless. There is nothing much left that I can do except hope. I want to be there, but I can't. The distance is threatening to widen and it's so scary because one day, it might grow so wide there may be no hope for salvation. All these while I can only watch from the sidelines.

Everyone around me is urging me to take the easy way out and simply forget for the sake of myself. I can never really forget can I, given how things turned out. I figure they are not me, they don't know you and simply because they don't see you like the way I see you.

confession

It's usually because of some event that triggers my desire to write something. Hence the outburst of posts. Writing calms me down and puts my thoughts in a nice, organized manner. So I don't really write if I have nothing behind me urging me to. Even with the lack of inspiration I'll still churn out a post just to make those shapeless thought bubbles more concrete.

Anyway..I realised my motivation to study and get good grades comes from the fact that I don't want to fall behind others. It's actually to make me feel stronger and more confident, because average people are usually the ones getting left behind by others. I had enough of that back then, and I dread falling into mediocrity.

Generally, something I've discovered about myself recently is that I've been doing things to prevent myself from falling back to my former self. I needed to stand out, because I've realised being mediocre brings you no where. People won't take notice and if they do, they don't take you seriously. I hated the people back then.

This desire has consumed me. I'm doing all I can to break free and do things that gives me satisfaction and hope, yet the motivation behind all these seems to be grossly wrong. Now everything seems to be connected to my pride and ego and is beginning to change my judgement of others and oneself. I'm afraid I have become too real. Too competitive for fear of being left in the dust like before.

I guess that explains my aloofness. It seems I rarely feel strongly about things, and it takes much to move me. How I wish I could be more in tune to the things happening around me, the people around me, and not just me.

random rant

I guess I should be happy.

Afterall, I have it better than most of my peers out there. I spoke to them, I know them, I feel so much luckier than I have so much.

Why am I not happy at all?

There is always something not right. I think I know why. I'm afraid to lose, afraid of losing. It's a very scary feeling, the thought of losing and also this particular thought itself. It's not as if I haven't told myself not to compare too much, in fact I think I know myself so well yet I haven't been very much successful in changing it. It's so scary it's borderline horrifying, the feeling of falling into a dark pit and can't do anything about it. Yet no matter how much advice you seek from the people around you, the only thing you can do in the end solely depends on yourself.

This fear sometimes clouds my direction and thoughts and prevent me from making progress. So it's pretty much a vicious cycle.

My inner soul needs counselling. There's ought to be something else out there that is satisfying, at least something that can last.

exams over..now what

The period after exams is always filled with the usual post exam fun activities like karaoke and movies. I have 3 months of holiday, so I'm still deciding how to make full use of the time other than one off fun activites like these.

For one, I'll be picking up keyboard and continue on guitar self learning. And sing more, regardless of where, what and how. It's also important to keep fit, as a sedentary lifestyle breeds laziness and makes one feel sluggish. I wonder if I can get back to teaching though, although there doesn't seem to be a current vacancy at my old school and the June break is coming anyway.

I just hope there will be changes..positive ones that will occur in this long break. No matter what, it always feels good to have a positive change now and then. And appreciate it when it comes.

got it done and over with

The exams are finally over...and Monday was mentally torturing.

It's like watching 3 episodes of LOTR in a marathon sitting. Was made worse by the fact that we had to line up about an hour before hand to take temperature. We were then ushered in with much haste into the exam hall, where last minute revision was done. Very unlike the usual system.

It was no wonder I registered a 37.8 before my last paper. And they hastily rushed me along to the 2nd station, where the nurses took a second, and deemed me 'normal'. It was slightly interesting that we had to walk past a really giant thermo scanner and as 37.8 popped up on the screen, some dude with a camera rushed up and captured several shots of me in rapid succession. I wonder if they do this to random people so they can post it in some school health board, or was it just for face recognition should something turn nasty.

It felt rather weird.

Not eating or drinking anything the entire day didn't help much either. All the time in between, or lack thereof, was spent on revision and temperature taking. Hence, the particularly heavy and spicy McDonald's dinner I had ordered out of gluttony and enthusiasm didn't go too well with the tummy last night..and this morning.

Ok, time on my hands..time to relax and enjoy. Phew.

Quick update admist the exams :/

Spent the last month getting ready for the examinations. Already cleared 2 papers and having 3 coming Monday. Just a short update here.

Glad I survived my Grammaticalisation and Microeconomics papers. For 'G', I'm proud I survived thus far as it's a Level 3000 module, though am pretty unsure about how my grades are going to turn out. The examination was fine, but I didn't bother checking out my term paper results for fear that it might distract me from the studying. Had already been dealt several minor blows in the course of the semester.

As for microecons, I'm happy I managed to finish most of the paper smoothly and surely, a stark contrast to the disaster they call the mid terms. I've done my best, and whatever it is, whether it was enough to salvage my grade, I'm happy it's done and over with, and ended on a slightly better note. Would like to specially thank Oliver who came over to study with me. It really did help a lot.

Ok, I need to get back to studying now. Just a short while more before I hit the sack. Gotta brace myself for Monday. 3 papers. Morning, afternoon, evening.

Well at least it'll be over in a jiffy.