random rant

I guess I should be happy.

Afterall, I have it better than most of my peers out there. I spoke to them, I know them, I feel so much luckier than I have so much.

Why am I not happy at all?

There is always something not right. I think I know why. I'm afraid to lose, afraid of losing. It's a very scary feeling, the thought of losing and also this particular thought itself. It's not as if I haven't told myself not to compare too much, in fact I think I know myself so well yet I haven't been very much successful in changing it. It's so scary it's borderline horrifying, the feeling of falling into a dark pit and can't do anything about it. Yet no matter how much advice you seek from the people around you, the only thing you can do in the end solely depends on yourself.

This fear sometimes clouds my direction and thoughts and prevent me from making progress. So it's pretty much a vicious cycle.

My inner soul needs counselling. There's ought to be something else out there that is satisfying, at least something that can last.