confession

It's usually because of some event that triggers my desire to write something. Hence the outburst of posts. Writing calms me down and puts my thoughts in a nice, organized manner. So I don't really write if I have nothing behind me urging me to. Even with the lack of inspiration I'll still churn out a post just to make those shapeless thought bubbles more concrete.

Anyway..I realised my motivation to study and get good grades comes from the fact that I don't want to fall behind others. It's actually to make me feel stronger and more confident, because average people are usually the ones getting left behind by others. I had enough of that back then, and I dread falling into mediocrity.

Generally, something I've discovered about myself recently is that I've been doing things to prevent myself from falling back to my former self. I needed to stand out, because I've realised being mediocre brings you no where. People won't take notice and if they do, they don't take you seriously. I hated the people back then.

This desire has consumed me. I'm doing all I can to break free and do things that gives me satisfaction and hope, yet the motivation behind all these seems to be grossly wrong. Now everything seems to be connected to my pride and ego and is beginning to change my judgement of others and oneself. I'm afraid I have become too real. Too competitive for fear of being left in the dust like before.

I guess that explains my aloofness. It seems I rarely feel strongly about things, and it takes much to move me. How I wish I could be more in tune to the things happening around me, the people around me, and not just me.