ic.

I am apparently not very good at concealing my feelings, at least not as well as I thought I could. Anyway I realised over this week that I wasn't that very excited about commitment, and I didn't want to proceed with doubt.

It took me a while to be free from my past shadows and freedom was sweet as a whole lot of new possibilities open up before you. I think I still need some more time, as I had picked up a few lessons from the past and needed to reflect on them before I render myself vulnerable once again.

I guess I used to yearn the prospect of company, where someone will always be there caring for you, but now I don't. Not yet..but am definitely over my past..It was a little bit of 'What were you thinking' on my part.

Ok back to study.

squareone.

So I guess it's back to square one.

Another lesson learnt I suppose..Life isn't as simple as just following your heart, but the doubts and worry are enough to keep you from going forward. Until I figure that out, I guess it would not be easy letting anyone else in again. The feeling of putting your heart out there is simply too beyond me presently, and I figure this sure needed a whole lot more of guts and reasoning.

I should be feeling more, but am kind of numb. I would choose to attribute this to the hardening from previous experiences and not the possibility of I turning absolutely mercenary and heartless.

I need to learn to follow my heart again truly, and at the moment it seems kinda daunting and I don't know how to proceed. Not having any thoughts as burden I feel freer, but at what cost...? I feel more comfortable being cynical.

Until I figure out myself, I very much prefer to be alone.

ok

Booked a new car last weekend. Will only be here in January, but I guess the process of looking foward feels good too.

Speaking of looking forward, I've decided to look forward and never looked back since. It's been a great feeling as well taking control once again and anticipating new chapters in my life.

I used to wonder how things could have turned out differently if I did not have to go through all of these. The period after December had been terrible, but I never regretted going through all of it as I learned a lot about myself.

Things are different now. I am not bitter anymore as I realise there's no result to it. Freeing your mind really makes you aware of the beauty of the things around you that you have been neglecting in all the bitterness.

=)

optimism

I'm glad I went ahead with my decision to follow my heart. Afterall, I couldn't take a chance on my happiness.

I don't know how exactly things went, and I wouldn't know what it would be like in the future. I'm just glad I did not let my fear and pessimism get to me like how it had did for the past few months. I feel liberated and I feel as though I have the courage to embrace all possibilites and new chapters that might come my way.

My friends had been right from the start. All I needed was time to finally understand them.

i understand myself a little more

I wonder if I should really follow my heart this time round. Quite afraid that I would make the same old mistakes that I have made in the past. My friend told me though that I shouldn't stop eating fish just because I had choked in the past. Pretty true..and I can say I have become too rational for my own good.

i know this feeling i think

It's just all too familiar. It almost seems possible, yet I am afraid of making the same old mistake again. The past experience had caused me to lose faith in following my instincts, and this time I wonder if I was using too much of my brain.

I wasn't the person who would let any good opportunity slip but as much as I wish to start a new chapter in my life, there seemed to be too much holding me back.

I need a sign.

in the balance

Getting hungry at times like these made me go out and get a McChicken, and now that I'm in not much mood to continue studying, I decided to blog.

I finally met her today. It had been a while and I was actually feeling jittery beforehand because I was apprehensive on what it would be like. As much as I wanted very much to see her, I was afraid it would be awkward. Well it wasn't, and I was glad it turned out fine.

I guess this time round I managed to say what I had wanted to say, and what had been bothering me all this while. I guess the best way is to face the whole issue itself, and only by laying all the cards on the table will one be able to decide the next move.

It also dawned on me that I had lost something. I had forgotten what it was like to be completely free from having your heart and emotions getting bounded to someone. Love just sucks you in, and it takes a while to lose it, even then there'll be still some left over, never going away.

I never regretted it once though. Being with her had been one of the happiest times of my life, and I would give anything to relive it.

cycle.

Ice is the name of a dog. A dog I once kept. It was never a good decision to taking ownership of it, I had made a mistake back then and was compelled to find a better owner for him, and I did. I loved the dog but I had to let it go as we started to realise how little time we had for it.

She loved the dog too, much more than me in fact. I couldn't tell how much more, but it was obvious she loved it more. She blamed me for my mistake. I didn't have a choice though. I couldn't manage. Yes, it was bad judgement on my part and I regretted. Perhaps I had underestimated the impact of the action. I didn't want to admit that an animal could contribute to what was happening now, but perhaps it did play a role.

Maybe it was retribution. That I had made a bad decision adopting a dog and then going through the trauma of dealing with demands on both sides and being labelled irresponsible. Again, people had to be hurt because of a wrong choice. Probably I had paid for it, and the same thing happened to me.

I figure people normally had to give up things once close to them to make way for certain aspects of their life, so they could live with greater freedom without burden or responsibility, but this not necessarily bringing with it happiness. It happened to Ice, and it happened to me.

Tell me that's life.

the date

Going out with someone so attractive is rather stressful, especially how all eyes seem to focus on her then drift to the guy beside her. It's just a date, but nothing else more. Not in my current situation.

I always had the impression that really pretty girls only look great with good looking guys, despite how almost everyone I know disputes it like crazy, boiling it down to my weird perspectives, suspiciously influenced by the media. Of course, we are not in primary school anymore, and looks probably play a secondary role in choosing a partner. It was only in those days when you say to an ugly girl you don't want to be her friend because she is ugly. Oh well, superficiality at its worst, but we were all too young. And kids are the most honest people in the world, no?

Anyway, she was a real stunner when she dolled up, and not just on the outside. She's a great person too. But I couldn't imagine myself dating her in a relationship. Firstly, she isn't available. Secondly, the words 'too pretty for me' kept popping up in my head. I figured out that as my confidence had steadily grown over these couple of years in other aspects in my life, I still can't figure why it takes a hit with pretty people. Maybe it's the theory of relativities when I walk next to her, or the constant pressure to look at least compatible.

Or maybe it's just the consequence of my past again, that is constantly hindering me in exploring possibilities in anyone else.

Afterall, I do know that I have what it takes, and it takes confidence to say that. And I know what I am capable of accomplishing. This shouldn't pose a problem to me, as long as I constantly believe in myself. Soon, I'll date pretty girls like her. Ha.

i need to think..

It is borderline irritating sometimes that as a new chapter beckons, your past repeatedly pops out to stop you from moving ahead. What do I want exactly? The future is tempting with new possibilities, yet there's a figment of something that's growing really old clinging on.

But isn't life about constantly moving ahead and discovering, and throwing aside things that seem to hold you back? People move on for their own sake, all in their best interest and even things that were once held dear to them will be shelved for the sake of living to the fullest. Sacrifices will always have to be made in order to achieve happiness, even if it means causing pain. Now that's life right? It's all about opportunity cost. Economics, it's that simple.

I am no longer bitter as there isn't a point compromising my psychological well being anymore. I've done so for 8 full months and I don't know how many body cells I have destroyed, how many opportunites I have shut out, and how much fuel I have wasted flooring my car pedal, attempting to flush my troubles out of my head.

I also feel guilty towards my parents, who can read me like a book and instantly tell that I was troubled. I kept everything from them and refused to share, because my mom, especially will be worried. It was probably due to the inherent fear and more or less expected 'rational' advice from my mom, which was probably going to be the best advice I could hear, but also likely to be the most painful. I didn't want that, as I felt that I could continue living in hope. She probably noticed that I was quieter, and she had to ask.

I need all the affirmation I can get, to get me up and moving. I am afraid of letting go, as it's something am not sure if I will regret in future. Yet even holding on to just a bit is enough to cause pain and apprehension. I once thought I could live with it, but am no so sure now.

-

I just felt like blogging again.

After almost a 2 month hiatus, I just felt like putting down my thoughts in words again. It feels good. However, given my busy schedule, it'll be fantastic if I actually found the time to reflect and ramble.

I guessed I have recovered enough to start putting things down in an earnest manner, and hope this time round I don't go lying to myself again. My hairdresser had told my best friend (we share the same hairdresser) that I looked like I was deeply troubled whenever she saw me. I expressed surprise, because I thought I was pretty good at concealing my feelings. But no, hairdressers talk to all sorts of people, they can tell, as put across by Howard. I'm impressed.

I think am more or less done with my situation. How long has it been? 8? 9 months? I've been on this rollercoaster of emotions for far too long, and painful as it might be, I have to suck it up and move on. I thought I had made a decision months back, but I don't know if I had been totally truthful. I greatly appreciate the company of my friends though, and I tell myself this time, if not for myself, I've got to do it for them too. They had my best interests at heart and still have. I should place bigger value on their judgement.

I guess the most painful thing is carrying false hope, and hoping it might somehow materialise again someday, even though all signs urge you to go in the other direction. And then, things happen and you blame yourself being stupid for having lofty ideas...but the next moment you build up false hope once again.

I'll probably spend the time building up faith in placing my heart out there again. Who knew it had to be this difficult..I gave myself too many chances to believe, but I think I had enough.

...

Sometimes I don't know why I do or say certain things that eventually make me regret or feel like crap, 2 things I never ever want to go through.

For goodness sake's, I don't even know what I want right now, which leads me to such crap I'm doing to get by. I need to focus on the big picture, and work toward happiness. Sometimes I feel I should just be some heartless bloke, at least things would be so much easier.

Do I actually know what I want. Heck no. And this floating in the middle of nowhere is killing me. I wish time stood still to let me halt and think. But no, life goes on and things keep changing.

it's good

Have been really busy playing nowadays. It's really great hanging out with close friends and getting to know them better.

Yesterday was especially fruitful, having piano lessons in the morning and then staying through the day, helping out on some cooking and dining together later on. It actually made me slightly more interested in cooking as it didn't seem as tough as I made it out to be. Hmm. I guess it's actually much easier if there are several chefs instead of one, which also makes it more fun when we cook together.

Caught 'The Transformers' near midnight and nearly fell asleep near the end. Having dozed off on the first one, I had to fight the urge as my eyes were already half closed..Fortunately I didn't and made it till the end.

I had never appreciated the presence of friends so much ever before as their company and conversation really did make me happier and probably gave me some new perspectives which I greatly needed. =)

i'm back

Sorry for the lack of updates...

Have been really busy recently with rehearsals and piano lessons. Had to spend the weekend picking and practising a song that I was supposed to perform tomorrow morning at some Korean Uni Exchange thing with NUS. It was kinda a last minute thingey because nothing was really confirmed until about Friday or so. And apparently I was the only one who signed up to sing so I had to do 2 songs. Later, I had found out that KO was singing too so I was left to focus on one song, which was a good thing.

I will be singing 祝我生日快乐 tomorrow. Love the melody and the lyrics and I hope I can do a good job. I'm glad the BBQ managed to 'lubricate' my vocal chords and throat.

Also on the 27th, I will be performing at Ngee Ann City for Shine 2009. Not sure of the time and exact location yet, but I will be doing a solo and a duet, namely 说好的幸福呢 and 传说. Only 2 rehearsals with the instrumentalists before the real thing, steep learning curve as always. We need to pick out our mistakes fast enough and improve quickly.

Ok I guess I will go to sleep earlier tonight. I need the rest so I will be in the best shape to sing well tomorrow. Wish me luck and I hope I really don't forget the lyrics...

what i have been doing

Haven't been updating this blog for a while because I have been spending my time doing up another one that is related to the equity investment I'm making. Nothing much actually, just an avenue to record and review some information that I have read. Beats doing newspaper cuttings or making notes.

http://myinvestorinfo.blogspot.com

okayy.

I've promised to take a step back and just carry on with life as usual. It's better for the both of us. It took me so long to realise that you are right and I guess I'll have to have that faith to rely on fate this time.

Though I'm not expressing it, deep down inside I really want to let you know I'm always there for you.

Ok. good night!

reasoning

Before retiring for bed last night, I spotted a huge moth on the mattress. Feeling too sleepy to do anything and not wanting to disturb nature, I plonked down in the foldable chair I had, with just a pillow by my side and tried to sleep.

Which resulted in a not particularly spectacular night of rest as I struggled to find a comfortable position on the stiff canvas like material.

Spent today helping about the house, clearing up after the renovation and putting things back into place. Also caught up with some rest from the night before. By the way, the moth had died the next morning. Hmm.

Recently, I've been full of reason. Reasonable enough to stop with all the silly doubts, yet my emotions keep getting the better of me. One moment I'm in control, the next I'm overcome with the flurry of emotions that get the better of me.

It's not a really good time I'm facing now. Yet, I know I'm fully capable of handling it. Probably I'm choosing not to, because I'm still wondering which is the best path to take now. There seems to be only a direction, but how do I approach it I'm not sure. I need some help here.

There is this big urge to let her know how I feel, although it probably would end up to nothing. I don't even know what she is thinking now, and I surely can't tell. She seems almost passive and that kinda worries me. I regret the fact that I didn't try hard enough to make her stay, although it probably won't work..but I feel I could have done more.

v short post

It seems that there is this huge urge to sing, make music and listen to them. It's something about music that releases me from the doubts I have and puts me in some sort of comfort zone.

I don't think I have much to say tonight. I'm very tired.

oh ok.

Have been attempting to clear my mind these few days. Getting busy, distracted, occupied, spending time alone to straighten my thoughts.

Have been spending my mornings jogging at Tanjong Rhu and driving around with no apparent destination in mind, and it all seem rather effective in ironing things out. Learning to play the piano again after so many years, and it feels really good to be making some form of music. The way it fills my ears, the house, surely livens the mind and surrounding. It's probably one of the things that links me to you as well, though I haven't really heard u play much. One day I shall play a piece for you. By then, it shouldn't sound like crap.

Tonight should be a relatively early night for me. Going to wake up tomorrow for a run before joining my folks for breakfast.

i don't feel like sleeping

I guess this break is absolutely necessary. Though I've been fighting the urge to sms or msn, I sincerely wish from the bottom of my heart that you are doing well and happy. Words can't describe the longing I have to take you out for breakfast again.

Even if I had to do it all over again, I would. I'll be there when you are ready.

clearer

With a specific direction to move towards, I guess I feel less lost and hence the mind-wrecking frustration resulting from the helplessness has reduced...

I guess no matter what happens in the end, what is important now is I set out to do what I believe in. Things are made simpler in that case, where unnecessary doubts and worries are cast aside.

yea whatever.

I guess today's singing session had been a great relief to me, though it wasn't much, it was sufficient. Singing helps me to escape from the reality of the moment, and it is only in those few minutes when I am in control of my voice. I am glad I don't do alcohol, and I can never understand why people will ever will.

The past few days had been rather bad but I didn't want to show it. How I wish I could be angry then things will be so much easier for me. How I wish those memories could just be wiped off the back of my head. If it didn't mean so much to me I probably could do so.

I guess that's too bad for me. No matter what I say or do, I am aware I can't change the situation. All I could do, as said before, was simply to live life and have some hope. It isn't easy though, and one way or another, I have this big feeling I might go crashing down in the rubble of doubts and fear along the way.

Following your heart is never easy, that's why so many people end up unhappy in the end.

words of the foolish

Flooring the accelerator at every traffic junction doesn't seem to wash your troubles away. Looks like I need to find something else.

I figure one way of dealing with this issue that is eating away at me is to simply live life. Because there is simply nothing else left to do. I'm no fan of moping, I guess I'm past that stage. What is troubling me is how things ended up and the possibility of how change can itself alter what may happen in the future.

At this moment, any change will result in distance. I fear one day, no matter how I have gone with my heart, that I might still end up powerless against these changes. Can one simply rely on fate with no prior faith to begin with? Or are they really mutually exclusive?

I have to become a better person. Maybe only then I can be worthy. I don't want to walk out of this battered and weakened by worry and hopelessness. Even if I have to get to know you all over again I have to go on with this.

Call me foolish. In the eyes of the people around me, I'm probably seen as that dumb guy who can't move on. Afterall, they all make it seem so easy. Things might change..even for me, down the road. Maybe tomorrow a ravishing blonde will catch my eye or along the way, I somehow turn gay (joking by the way), but at this present, I can't lie to myself.

It's the worst injustice I can ever do.

is this resolution

I guess this is one of those days that reality has yet again, hit a spectacular home run.

Except this time it's much more real than the other times. It is also proof that time, in some cases, doesn't heal. How much time do we need anyway? Do we need some sort of resolution before we can allow time to do the rest?

It was never over for me, even if it means sweeping everything under the carpet and trying to smoke reality with a nice smile. It will always come back and bite you. Hard. When you least expect it.

Faced with the possibility of losing something so precious is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. The worst being you can do nothing much to salvage the situation, as it is already the most ideal situation in the scenario. Leaving you with the only thing you can do, which is to have that little bit of faith burning at the back of your heart, just burning bright enough yet not too huge to consume you.

Not too much as it might lead to disappointment at the end. Yet, when it is time to take a gamble, I have to. Clearly, I can only follow my heart, even if it means earth shattering devastation at the finish line or the losses along the way. This is what I want and at least there won't be regrets later.

I have to take that chance. Yet, what makes it so difficult now is being helpless. There is nothing much left that I can do except hope. I want to be there, but I can't. The distance is threatening to widen and it's so scary because one day, it might grow so wide there may be no hope for salvation. All these while I can only watch from the sidelines.

Everyone around me is urging me to take the easy way out and simply forget for the sake of myself. I can never really forget can I, given how things turned out. I figure they are not me, they don't know you and simply because they don't see you like the way I see you.

confession

It's usually because of some event that triggers my desire to write something. Hence the outburst of posts. Writing calms me down and puts my thoughts in a nice, organized manner. So I don't really write if I have nothing behind me urging me to. Even with the lack of inspiration I'll still churn out a post just to make those shapeless thought bubbles more concrete.

Anyway..I realised my motivation to study and get good grades comes from the fact that I don't want to fall behind others. It's actually to make me feel stronger and more confident, because average people are usually the ones getting left behind by others. I had enough of that back then, and I dread falling into mediocrity.

Generally, something I've discovered about myself recently is that I've been doing things to prevent myself from falling back to my former self. I needed to stand out, because I've realised being mediocre brings you no where. People won't take notice and if they do, they don't take you seriously. I hated the people back then.

This desire has consumed me. I'm doing all I can to break free and do things that gives me satisfaction and hope, yet the motivation behind all these seems to be grossly wrong. Now everything seems to be connected to my pride and ego and is beginning to change my judgement of others and oneself. I'm afraid I have become too real. Too competitive for fear of being left in the dust like before.

I guess that explains my aloofness. It seems I rarely feel strongly about things, and it takes much to move me. How I wish I could be more in tune to the things happening around me, the people around me, and not just me.

random rant

I guess I should be happy.

Afterall, I have it better than most of my peers out there. I spoke to them, I know them, I feel so much luckier than I have so much.

Why am I not happy at all?

There is always something not right. I think I know why. I'm afraid to lose, afraid of losing. It's a very scary feeling, the thought of losing and also this particular thought itself. It's not as if I haven't told myself not to compare too much, in fact I think I know myself so well yet I haven't been very much successful in changing it. It's so scary it's borderline horrifying, the feeling of falling into a dark pit and can't do anything about it. Yet no matter how much advice you seek from the people around you, the only thing you can do in the end solely depends on yourself.

This fear sometimes clouds my direction and thoughts and prevent me from making progress. So it's pretty much a vicious cycle.

My inner soul needs counselling. There's ought to be something else out there that is satisfying, at least something that can last.

exams over..now what

The period after exams is always filled with the usual post exam fun activities like karaoke and movies. I have 3 months of holiday, so I'm still deciding how to make full use of the time other than one off fun activites like these.

For one, I'll be picking up keyboard and continue on guitar self learning. And sing more, regardless of where, what and how. It's also important to keep fit, as a sedentary lifestyle breeds laziness and makes one feel sluggish. I wonder if I can get back to teaching though, although there doesn't seem to be a current vacancy at my old school and the June break is coming anyway.

I just hope there will be changes..positive ones that will occur in this long break. No matter what, it always feels good to have a positive change now and then. And appreciate it when it comes.

got it done and over with

The exams are finally over...and Monday was mentally torturing.

It's like watching 3 episodes of LOTR in a marathon sitting. Was made worse by the fact that we had to line up about an hour before hand to take temperature. We were then ushered in with much haste into the exam hall, where last minute revision was done. Very unlike the usual system.

It was no wonder I registered a 37.8 before my last paper. And they hastily rushed me along to the 2nd station, where the nurses took a second, and deemed me 'normal'. It was slightly interesting that we had to walk past a really giant thermo scanner and as 37.8 popped up on the screen, some dude with a camera rushed up and captured several shots of me in rapid succession. I wonder if they do this to random people so they can post it in some school health board, or was it just for face recognition should something turn nasty.

It felt rather weird.

Not eating or drinking anything the entire day didn't help much either. All the time in between, or lack thereof, was spent on revision and temperature taking. Hence, the particularly heavy and spicy McDonald's dinner I had ordered out of gluttony and enthusiasm didn't go too well with the tummy last night..and this morning.

Ok, time on my hands..time to relax and enjoy. Phew.

Quick update admist the exams :/

Spent the last month getting ready for the examinations. Already cleared 2 papers and having 3 coming Monday. Just a short update here.

Glad I survived my Grammaticalisation and Microeconomics papers. For 'G', I'm proud I survived thus far as it's a Level 3000 module, though am pretty unsure about how my grades are going to turn out. The examination was fine, but I didn't bother checking out my term paper results for fear that it might distract me from the studying. Had already been dealt several minor blows in the course of the semester.

As for microecons, I'm happy I managed to finish most of the paper smoothly and surely, a stark contrast to the disaster they call the mid terms. I've done my best, and whatever it is, whether it was enough to salvage my grade, I'm happy it's done and over with, and ended on a slightly better note. Would like to specially thank Oliver who came over to study with me. It really did help a lot.

Ok, I need to get back to studying now. Just a short while more before I hit the sack. Gotta brace myself for Monday. 3 papers. Morning, afternoon, evening.

Well at least it'll be over in a jiffy.

screaming in a vacuum

I meant to sleep at 12am but I couldn't so I got back up to use the computer. Now it's 230am and I'm still here. Sleepy Sunday up ahead.

People want people to read their blogs. It's some sort of personal gratification and ego satisfaction to create an avenue to express their feelings. Some post big big while others do it discretely, yet yearn wildly for people to read their words. Maybe it's the desire to want people to know the side of you that they probably didn't know about. Some just need people to listen, and they hope by letting people have access, their feelings can be heard. It's like screaming out loud in a vacuum, hoping that your voice will be skimpily sufficient to get to the outside, yet you do not want to broadcast it. Oh ok what dumb analogy.

Yes. I want to be heard. How I hope people can read my blog and understand what I'm going through. It's not difficult to admit this given how I don't really give a heck to mostly everything around me. But I wonder who's reading anyway..I'm already grateful enough to pen down my words so coherently despite the wild thoughts bouncing off the walls of my brain.

I guess I really want a convertible. argh crap.

an attempt to escape

In one of my recent thoughts of extravagance again, the idea of changing car keeps popping up. I love cars. Understatement.

I've always wanted a convertible or a sports car or a combination of both. This desire haunts me to the brink of being realistic and practical. It's not right man. Owning a car is already a blessing now, what the hell am I trying to do by hankering after something so lavish? Yet, that familiar feeling of longing creeps up everytime I see some flashy car that catches my eye. Oh heck, I even sit at a cafe facing out at the road so I can catch any sports car that rumbles by.

So how do I make dreams become reality? Go buy Toto tickets religiously twice a week and hope I strike the big one? My dad actually encourages me to do that. What crap..though there is still hope when you do that. Or wait for my stocks to actually post a decent return, then at least a convertible won't be out of reach. Speaking of which, I ought to reorganize my portfolio really soon.

I'm actually a brat. Bet no one knew that. I'm that chao ah beng your parents warned you about.

stop being emo and go sleep

Get on with life, my friend. There's no use hankering over something that you know you won't get back, at least in the short run.

I'm probably fucking weak, and this loss is like someone yanking what you dear away from you so forcefully, you crumble under its loss. I've never really accepted it, though I have brought myself to understand. And trying to pick up the pieces is a tough thing to do, because you know your heart is some place, and it's difficult getting it back on track.

I don't understand why people ask me to move on like it's so fucking easy. It's not. Sanity is urging me to get my act together, while my heart refuses to budge. It just seems wrong to let everything go.

I've got myself hurt this once because I've followed my heart too much. Heck, I don't care if I get hurt again because I can only follow my heart and nothing else. It's just too much a burden if I ignore it.

I'm a wreck. I'm trying very hard to pull myself together. Really.

maybe if i sleep well my troubles will disappear

The wonders of a good night's sleep.

It is puzzling how I'm starting to consider sleeping at 12am somewhat of a luxury but then I realise it was mostly up to me anyways. No one forced me to sleep at 2am.

Should I sleep early today? Haven't done much work recently and the guilt is crawling up on me. The bed is pretty tempting though. Maybe I really should be sleeping. Lessons at 8am tomorrow and if I'm really serious about getting up to run at 630am then I should hit the sack soon.

I need an escape now. Just a brief one..away from the books and issues that haunt me incessantly. Yet, at this point, it doesn't seem that I have anyone or anywhere to turn to. Just myself facing tremendous bits of debris life is throwing my way.

Maybe I really do need some sleep.

honest reflection hor.

Where has the drive gone? It almost seemed sucked out of me, leaving a gaping vacuum within, while I rush to fill up the nothingness.

It seemed that I have lost a lot since the start of the sem, yet gained quite a bit too in terms of experience and self awareness. Now, that is fantastic. Yet, I haven't been truly happy. Behind the facade of things that seem to make up a 'fufilling' life, there is just an empty shell.

I don't think I ever progressed as a person. Maybe I'm still the stubborn, sensitive, selfish individual who refuses to learn from mistakes and let the world around control my feelings and actions. So many times I've told myself to just be myself and move on, yet the past still has a certain hold on me.

It's also particularly disturbing how I seek solace in material. You don't spend to feel happy..it's just..wrong. Yet, I never had 2nd thoughts about spending, at least most of the time and it just almost seems that I'm living only on temporary indulgence. Like some sort of drug.

Maybe I'm really a brat afterall. Spending on good meals, the car, clothes, stocks without even needing to go to work like my friends. And deep down inside, beneath everything else, there's really nothing at all. Just a lonely soul with not much substance.

ok so am really happy like a pig in shit

The hair salon is a scary place. Ever since many years ago I had stepped into some random salon and turned my hair into a disaster, I had developed a phobia of visiting salons. From then on, my hair was only managed by a trusty old barber located in my humble neighbourhood hawker centre.

He was safe and he made my hair decent, short and neat. Nothing spectacular, just safe. I dreaded anything new from then on, and always opted for the safe option.

That was why today I felt so nervous when I stepped into a hair salon again. It took a great deal for me to make this decision. Not with much persuasion from Howard who ensured me that everything was going to be fine. I had wanted to try something new because my hair was really growing to a crappy mess and very uncomfortable. I needed some sort of distraction...from the stress I was facing..and even if the experience turned out bad, it would be something 'refreshing'.

I also figured it had grown sufficiently long to allow an extent of creativity and a risk had to be taken if I didn't want to look like an uncle anymore.

Let's just say it turned out better than expected.

Duff Vader

So Duffy's concert was a blast, and a fantastic addition to my otherwise mundane weekend.

It wasn't even something I had planned beforehand. It was only yesterday I had the chance to lay my hands on a couple of tickets sold by my friend, who had to sell it off cheap because she couldn't attend. So I had spent the hours leading up to Sunday searching for someone to go with me. It was not until at noon that I got Cindy, who was quite enthusiastic about it, and I knew it was on. I really needed something to get my mind off the intimidating workload and crappy midterms, and this was it.

Well, there is only pretty much one word to describe the experience: Wonderful.

The arrangement was simple. Mostly live band songs, a couple of acoustic, all done in signature Duffy. She's barely 3 years older than me, but sounds way beyond her years, in a good way though. At times I felt I was 30 years back in time, but it was a fuzzy feeling, especially during the band numbers.

Listening to the album through earphones and hearing it live is totally different. Duffy sounded even better live, because you could pick up every single note and the rich, crazy vocal gymnastics were crisp through the sound system. Her voice is velvet, and it enveloped you like a warm blanket. It just made me love some of her songs even more.

The transitions in between the songs however, were somewhat non-existent, almost seemed like she was rushing through the album, to an extent that it made the concert seem pretty quick. I hope she had interacted more though. I could feel her through her songs, but more sharing could be done.

For those of you who haven't started listening, do so. You won't want to miss out on her.

am going to the loo after this

I'm having verbal diarrhoea, pardon me.

They say productivity falls the later in the night it is, and based on this, I've successfully persuaded myself to stop with the Econs, and blog some more even though it might potentiallly all be crap at this point of the night.

I've realised I have developed this habit of plugging in my earphones and not listening to anything in particular. And I'm surprisingly comfortable with them despite them not displaying any true purpose. Maybe they keep my ears warm hence I feel a sense of security. It's like I'm tuning in to those alerts on MSN, everytime someone sends you a new message or logs in.

The feeling of connectivity in online communities. Ahh.

Present status: Ticklish throat with cough recovering slowly but surely. Maybe not though since I'm popping Hershey's Kisses for not much reason at all. I don't need the endorphin release since I just got the kick from the X-japan's lives on Youtube. I think I'm just eating because my jaws were numb.

Obviously, paying $5 for a packet of Hershey's in the name of charity is not doing much for me. I don't feel loved even if it's like 10 kisses an hour. I think I bought it because the cute girl wanted to go overseas for a project which I strongly believed in. I don't know, it's probably something good.

Ok I really need to pee. bye.

hi. this day in history.

I think I'm almost done with my Grammaticalization paper, so I've called it a day and have come here to blog.

I realise how I face my life at present really depended a lot on my past. A past not so glam, not something that I dig up frequently to relish. I attribute it mainly to upbringing, and being a sheltered little kid I wasn't exactly the one that would fit in too nicely. Being slightly pudgy (ok i'm being nice to myself here), I was rather quiet and lacked that confidence. I guess somehow that was the reason why I was always 'last man standing' when all the cliques sprouted. The feeling sucked...and even up till JC, it was still this way. It was awkward.

Yeah, 'You loser.' you would mutter. Yeah I was. Maybe I still am now. But at least I don't think so. I'm just determined not to fall back to the past, and just move forward with some hope. It's all in the mind, I realise. You just need to focus on being an individual and let nature take care of the rest.

There's no point trying to hard, I've learnt. That way you'll be happier too. It's very easy to say how you want to forget everything that has happened before and just embrace the future. Not possible. So I'll just carry that bit of memory around to constantly remind myself how not to falter and just live.

Oh ok. This is not emo. Smile.

my printer is alive

I didn't remember having my power supply to the printer switched on that night. Somehow in the middle of the night I was awoken by the printer. It was doing the familiar 'clean up' which you would get everytime you flicked the switch at the power supply. Feeling sleepy and puzzled I got up and shut the damn thing down and then went back to sleep.

Crap. It's really scary. It's as if someone flicked the power on when I was in bed. Even if the switch had been on before, why would it just start 'cleaning' itself if it had been lying on standby.

i should be studying.

The only way to truly experience love is to give a 100%. Right? I probably thought so before. After what I've been through, I'm not sure if that should be the case at all. Is it always necessary to put yourself in the balance and be slightly vulnerable in order to fully experience it? Or do brains play a bigger role than one thinks?

I've probably lived by 'Love or not at all' for quite a while, and while I thought it was best to throw doubts out of the picture, what it led me to was massive, permanent hurt. It was not nice at all.

Yet, it almost seems unreal if one uses too much of judgement in life. I feel we were born to follow our hearts and the best way to live life is to do so and learn from any obstacles we might encounter from our decisions. That is life. We cannot expect everything to be done right the first time round. It is not Black/White simple.

By insisting to live by these principles I'll probably be in the crosshair of heartbreak. But is this the price needed to live life to your fullest? Over judgement does hold us back. Will we be really happy with our carefully weighted decisions in time to come? Or smile behind the heartbreak because you've done what you had truly wanted?

I'm not asking you to be brash. Certain decisions however, it's better off listening to the little voice inside your chest.

where are the good ol' days

I felt like I had wanted to be alone, so I left my friends and proceeded to the library.

At this point, I just feel like putting everything behind me and take off, leaving in the dust, all the expectations people have of me and the ones I have set for myself. I'm no stranger to this feeling. It is just high pressurising. I fear the thought of being average and this fear bugs me to no end. Yet, I'm not so sure if I have the capability to sustain anything at all.

I really feel like getting into the car, drive to the nearest highway and just floor the accelerator, letting the rush of andrenaline take me over. I need to be alone.

i passed a stone on the pavement.

Gosh am sick. Started out with a rather bad dry cough and now it's a flu. This time it feels really odd. I hope I don't catch a fever or something.

It must be the late nights, early morning jogs and a lack of water. Certainly taking a toll on me. My head was throbbing at noon, so I went to sleep and am feeling slightly better presently. But am just not in the mood for work.

Speaking of which, I believe I made some good progress for my Grammaticalization paper yesterday. I meant to return to school library in the afternoon but I didn't go eventually cos I was feeling terrible. Perhaps tonight I really need to fight the temptation to stay up late.

Anyway, on the emotional front, I've been trying to forget the past and freaking move on. To no avail however. Moving on is apparently better for me they say, but I just can't. I'm sick of blogging about it and talking to people about it (am sure they are sick of listening too) so I'll probably do the same old thing and just keep it within me from now on. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore.

One day I'll somehow tumble out of the darkness.

i am hip. so are you.

It is not until I went for some serious shopping to revamp my wardrobe that I realised it wasn't exactly a phenomenal task to look decently fashionable. What I had bought recently made everything else in my wardrobe seem wildly ancient, and cast some serious doubts on my fashion 'sense' that I had all this while.

No wonder people say I look 25. Probably some effort is needed here.

I need help. Someone with a sound fashion sense needs to be a 2nd opinion when I do go shopping. If not I'll end up wasting money on nonsense with my kooky view on what's hip.

i feel like eating ice cream now. how

Just spent the whole of Friday night/early Saturday morning hanging out with friends. I am beginning to enjoy these late nights out as the company and conversation really do reach out to me in a fuzzy manner. Maybe the still of the night is the best time for gaining new insights.

Driving home along ECP at 5am was torturous though. I was very much awake, but mentally strained and losing focus. Pretty dangerous, but was still quite in control. Fortunately.

Woke up at 12pm and went back to bed at 4pm. I'm starting to suspect that is not how much you sleep, but how late you sleep that affects you. Even right now am feeling a little sleepy. Not too good for my Grammaticalisation paper. Really need to get back that mugger motivation I had just a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, Thursday's party was a blast. Though I felt my performances weren't up to expectations, I'm glad I got some pretty positive feedback for them. I wonder when's the next performance. All these is getting pretty addictive.

I need my fix. Fast.

i can multi task so can you

The art of multi-tasking, something ingrained in all Arts students I suppose. Presently, I am blogging, chatting on MSN, studying live shows on youtube and doing my first draft for the English project. In the background, the sounds and chatter of the Channel 8 drama re-runs are muffled through my earphones.

I am pretty much psyching myself up for the performance tomorrow. It isn't as big as Emerge, but am pretty much determined to sing my best as usual. It's pretty frustrating sometimes..no matter how much effort you put in, sometimes the performance just lacks the 'oohm' and you get outshined by some other charismatic, quirky performances that somehow reach out more to the audience.

It sucks really, when expectations really fall short. I can't blame anyone though, everyone out there is probably putting in as much effort, if not more than me. I've only got myself to rely on. All I got to do is to keep doing it, loving it and make sure it is at least all I could do.

Oh well...wardrobe is now an issue too. The theme is 'masquerade', I've got a silver mask, and I've got to channel attitude, retro, rock and emo in 4 rather different performances. Can I do it in one outfit?

blog first do later

The only high point of the week was probably rehearsing with the band on Friday evening. There will be rehearsals tomorrow as well, which will be cool, but I hope my voice won't be too affected for my presentation on Monday.

Friday was scary because my throat started to hurt from all the singing and through a few rounds of Dani California I felt as though my voice was giving way. I couldn't recall having that happen to me before. I figured I had just barely recovered from a dry cough and all the practices didn't tickle my throat any less.

Tomorrow will definitely be fun but straining. Better get my work for Monday done by morning as I forsee the possibility of staying back till late, which I should probably get used to by now.

Living on perceptions = self pwn

A wise man once mumbled:

"How much does a person need to change himself? Or rather, how long would it take? I thought I had broken free from my past, become stronger and liberalised from my own fears and doubts. Apparently, I had just been riding on borrowed confidence and perceived achievements which really didn't amount to anything substantial. Yet, at this point, I feel so alone with no one to turn to, no one that can truly understand and give me direction. I already lost a big part of myself last December, and no matter how hard I try to deceive myself, I realise I'm still very badly affected. Everything I tried to do to keep myself distracted only kept the doubts accumulating. This is what I am fearing...and as most of me spins off course, I frantically search for some sort of anchor to keep me grounded before I veer into a nearby tree and damage the greenery"

snap back to reality

And so it goes, the day came as quickly as it went, and it was over in a short span of 2 hours. The andrenaline was overwhelming as you realise that whatever you had set out to achieve was finally done, and I personally felt it was the personal best I had set out for.

The journey had been a blast, and I'm glad the past 4 months had helped me to improve as I worked on my passion. It gave me some form of direction and kept me focused, and it didn't feel like a chore at any point of time even when it was those 2 songs day in day out.

As I snap out of the excitement of Emerge, tumbling back to the dull, hard reality of all books and no song, I wonder when the next opportunity will come along and transform me yet again into that temporary superhero alter ego I had on for 2 hours on Monday.

The superhero with meticulously styled hair, made mighty shiny with sparkling blue dust. The superhero with a nicely layered get-up and a dash of bling hanging around his neck, emblazoning the front of his chest. That was his on stage persona, vastly different from his usual self of oversized polo t-shirts and ancient sandals. And yet, when the inspiration hits, he will be there to save the world.

Meanwhile, while I get to savour the sweet aftermath of the concert, I also get to feel another sort of andrenaline rush that is all too familiar. The slight wave of panic as you hit the books and realise you are short of time because you've been dwelling too much in idolmania the past few weeks.

Excitement, some might call it.

what's after this

Spent the day rehearsing at Lunar.

At this point of time, when Emerge is just 2 days away, the feeling of finally getting the opportunity to take the stage overwhelms. Tickets are at $15, and that means there must be at least some sorta standard worth paying for. Hence the pressure to remain consistent persists.

This shouldn't be a problem for me now. If nothing goes haywire, my voice should be doing fine on Monday. At the point of time, it's still a little sore from all the rehearsals.

Ought to be catching up on my work soon. Mid terms coming up and the term break is just 1 week. Time is pretty much flying past and it's bewildering. I suppose if you are busy working towards some form of target everything around you turns into a blur. It has been a quick 4 months since the talk of Emerge began and Monday would be long awaited. Post-Emerge, not quite.

I really do hope I won't keep getting held back by the past and constantly move forward. I am not sure about the opportunities that have slipped by in the midst of all the brooding, but I sure hope the end of Emerge would signal a new beginning with changed perspectives.

Hopefully optimistic.

a feeble attempt at digging Vday

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!

This day, though already highly commercialised by media and businesses, still presents new, sprouting money spinning ventures year after year. Love afterall, sells.

Giving it some serious thought, this day probably makes not much of a sense, since Love, being the formless, omnipresent yet compelling force of emotions enveloping each and every heart and mind around the universe cannot possibly be framed up or packaged into a single day on the calender.

It is precisely this factor of Love that makes it all the more difficult to grasp and come up with a set of rules and categories like other social realms. It varies wildly across individuals and strikes in the most mysterious of ways, triggered off by things remotely imaginable to the mind. And that's where the heart vs brain argument always strikes me. I've almost given up trying to put the argument in definite perspectives because the possibilities are almost limitness trying to balance the 2.

It is human nature that people are born to love and yearn to receive love, or what they perceive as love and they seek it in others. My humble thoughts bug me to perceive love as an antidote for the fear of loneliness, which people by nature also fear. Inherent instinct of survival gives us that tinge of selfishness and possession, and anxiety creates the need for connection. I will not falter, as I have the pillar of Love to hold up my needs.

In this world, there is no hate. Human nature did not program us to hate. There is only positive love and negative love. Positive love develops from the subconscious discovery of inherent similarities between indviduals, while negative love results from the lack of understanding and the overpowering of survival instincts over the need for connection.

So the real purpose of Vday is being compromised to a greater need for the commercial world. Demand and supply. Vday now takes love at face value and markets the hell out of that idea. Sure, you don't need a teddy bear to show love. I would say a token of appreciation for meeting my needs.

This entry sounds really serious. However, I'm probably only skimming the surface with my warped ideas of definition. So, please do take it with a pinch of salt..it is afterall, the result of random instances of brooding put together in words.

Ok back to economics.

i exude peaceful aura.

The best type of blog ever never surfaces.

For once there is knowing and awareness that there is someone out there reading, feelings and expressions can never ever be put down in its total glory that reflects the innermost thoughts of the author. People, even those who claim write with abandon, are simply people. No one likes to be judged. This, subconsciously affects the things you share with others and the preferred style of expression.

My friend just told me about the style of writing here. As she put it, there is a certain peace and stillness about my writing that doesn't seem to reflect the vivid emotions I have attempted to 'describe' throughout my recent posts. Perhaps even passive. Maybe I'm subconsciously channeling behaviour in real life. It takes a whole lot to get me excited, and a whole lot more to make me shed a tear. Yet deep down there is this cauldron of thoughts boiling, and god knows what kind of truth it might bare should it simmer over the fire long enough.

Or maybe it's because of the white background that is generating some peaceful aura that affects my readers. Who knows? It's all psychological.

Speaking of psychology, I was thinking recently how intriguing it would be to deeply understand an individual. Afterall, throughout our lives, we've been subconsciously dealing out scores to people we have only met once or twice, basing our judgement on prejudice or experience. Oh how I yearn for deep conversation, something that would bridge gaps and more importantly, create awareness of the lives around you. A clean slate would be a nice starting point.

You might be surprised how someone can be so similar or so vastly different from you. Not everyone is leading a normal lifestyle.

Emerge dreams

Had rehearsal in school for the afternoon. Yes. It's a Sunday and there's rehearsal. Don't get me wrong, I would gladly return to school at 3am to sing. The tight schedule all the way up to Emerge required us to return on Sundays as well.

Given the chance to perform at Lunar Bar on the 23rd is really a dream come true for me. I had always wanted to perform on a larger stage, to a larger audience and hopefully touch them with my song. All these years I've enjoyed singing, and it feels great to at least do something constructive out of it, even if it's only for one time..because it's a chance for people to recognise your effort. Most importantly, it's a personal target I've set out to achieve.

It's fun practising all this while and I finally realise why people never tire when they do the things they love. Similarly, it is also why people always go out of the way to please the ones they love, never expecting anything in return. Both cases are driven by love.

I'll be singing Eason Chan's 'Aren't you glad' and 神木与瞳's ' 为你而活 '. 'Aren't you glad' is one of Eason's english songs and the lyrics make so much sense and impact that the first time I heard it, I wanted to perform it. From the auditions all the way up to the first note the live band had conjured up based on listening to the original track, I was greatly attracted to the song. In fact, the more I practised and rehearsed, the more I loved the song. It just had this unspoken impact.

For the other song, it's one powerhouse rock song. How many times I've yearned to sing a rock song on stage. Haha. Now that I've finally got the chance to scream in public, I do hope I get to bring the house that night. My only concern is my fellow duet singer. I'm taking this very seriously and I hope she can put in her best also.

23rd February. A date of significant meaning.

Every song has a message waiting to be put into life. Sure, that day when am singing, there'll probably be several in the audience who can relate to the music and lyrics. I would be just glad to put it in melody for them. Yet, the people I want most to be there will not be and it's terribly disappointing. I want you to see me do what I've always wanted to do. Living a dream is exhilarating but being there alone is just barren.

23rd February. Emerge. Lunar Fusion Bar at Clarke Quay. $15. Contact me for tickets and advice on how to sneak in if you are underaged.

a rushed post with pockets of emo which I quite dislike

Rushing to complete the usual stuff I do on the internet and decided to throw in another post before the laptop shuts off. The problem you see, is that I had left my charger in the clubroom on Friday and that meant I had 3 hours plus of battery to use until I go back on Sunday for rehearsals.

Rationing, I should say..and there is a tinge of excitement in rushing to download and print tutorials before my battery runs flat. I had little internet to use today, so I had spent some time watching television and detailing the car. Went out in the afternoon so I guess I did not feel that bored. Ah, case of being over-reliant on technology.

Had a really fun time chasing tutorials and catching up on readings. Really bugged me when I caught a glimpse of my macroeconomics lecture slides a while ago. I had missed the lecture because I was too tired from overnight rehearsal.

Big performance coming up and it's really somewhat a dream come true for me and I want to do it well. It feels happy to be doing what you love to do and see the opportunities coming in naturally with no desire for any reward whatsover. You just enjoy yourself and do your best everytime with no complain or procrastination. Is this what they call passion? Don't think I had that in a long while and it would be a huge void to fill once this big project is done.

Voids. I had to attempt to fill a big one recently. In real life, I'm the type who would bottle up all the problems and issues inside me. Until one day when it gets too full, I'll probably punch the walls until my knuckles bleed or confide in someone I feel has a good listening ear and a rational mind. While you ponder over the credibility of the previous sentence, let me assure you I prefer the latter while I'm kidding about the former. In fact, I started this blog so that I could 'talk' to it (seriously) as I would always feel better when I put things in words.

Ok, back to the 'void', let me just say it doesn't feel too good. I shall be point blank because my stupid battery can't sustain. Yes. I miss her. The best way not too sound emo (hate it) is to be blatantly honest. I miss her like how I miss the train. I miss her like how I try to hit you but I miss. Sounds dumb. I wonder how my students are going to react to this while they are reading (if they still are) when they realise they had such a 'drama' teacher for half a year. Yes, but I am only human. Cut me and I'll bleed. Push too hard and I will fall to the ground with a resounding 'thump'.

What I feel now is emptiness..and I hurriedly try to fill the gaps with all sorts of activities that would take my mind off thinking. Yet, in the cold of the night when everything is dead still, it all comes crashing down like a raging inferno, rupturing the barrier I had forcefully created to protect myself from the myraid of doubts and questions that threaten my sanity.

How long can I remain in this comfortable, 'status quo' tranquility that keeps me awake? Deep down inside, there is still the pain that just can't seem to go away. Moving on seems out of my capability. At least for right now. Not at this point when everything still hangs in the balance, or how I wish it would. I feel like screaming out loud, for crying out loud!

In other words, I still feel like crap.

my desire to write something is back

I admit for one point in time I forgot that I had actually a blog in existence and the main reason for my absence was because I was caught up with all the changes that had happened and just wasn't in the 'writing' mood.

Blogs are an extension of the ego, they say. Surely, even the word 'blog' just gives me the no holds barred, all things go type of vibe. Technically, by definition, it means 'web log', which has significantly less excitement than the word 'blog'. How irrelevant, but who cares, it's a blog.

Just a couple of updates in my life..

1st semester is done. Being clueless in the first sem didn't hurt me too much fortunately. Although the module choices had been screwed up from the start, I managed to do decently well by my standards. The last 3 months also gave me the confidence that nothing else in future could be worse than 'maths 5 hours a week, 3500 chinese essay, 1500 word political sci essay' type of combination. I could be wrong about this. I hope not.

Relationships have also become complicated. It's not 'official' anymore. Key word here is 'official' and I refuse to elaborate more because I try to avoid brooding too much. In December I probably hit the lowest point of my life. Before I start to sound emo, let me cover it up with slightly fancy vocab such as 'wall-punching' and 'hair-tearing'. Now it sounds angsty but in actual fact, I was really upset. For a couple of weeks, I blocked out all thoughts and got on with my daily life in denial. I felt like crap. It's probably more complicated than I think, even up till this point, though I hate to admit it. I can't say I have 'recovered' from the issue yet, because it's still in the balance and serious doubts have been bugging me from no end. No, am not ok, in case you decide to ask.

On a relatively lighter note, I've been working on a makeover. Yes, I mean an appearance makeover. Not that I want to, but I'm taking the stage end Feb and I can't have an 'uncle' style anymore. 'Uncle style' is a pro-comfort, color combination don't matter, dad's sandals type of style, the best way to blend into the background. It's also not really fantastic to hear that you look sleepy while attempting to channel 'emo' because of small eyes. So I've opted back to the less comfortable of optical aids - lenses. This way my 'electrifying' eyes won't be blocked by my supposedly trendy but not glasses. Sad.

Time to shop for a new wardrobe as well. I think it sounds pretty frivolous and I feel bimbotic.

Today's CNY eve and I guess my parents and I are having our reunion at Astons. It's so CNY feel I love it.